It’s that time: Iron Bowl week! The deep south’s most bitter rivalry, perhaps even the nation’s most bitter rivalry, is upon us once again. I honestly believe that Ohio St./Michigan, Ole Miss/Miss State, and whatever other rivalry that you want to try to lump into that category has absolutely nothing on the in-state war known as the Iron Bowl. From your first day of life in Alabama, you pick a side: Bama or Auburn. That choice remains with you forever. During that one week a year, the entire state of Alabama is polarized. On that Saturday, businesses shut down. Families divide. Everyone is on one side or another. There is simply no way to describe it, you just have to experience it.
Of course, everyone on this site knows my affiliation. I am an Auburn man, pretty much to a fault. I am terribly unforgiving of anything in the program I see as failure, but it only comes out of love. I consider myself a decent, Christian human being. However, when it comes to Auburn football, and the Bama/Auburn rivalry, I tend to display the ugliest side of my personality and fall short of my values all the time. What can I say? I love Jesus, but I friggin hate Bammers.
Born of this hate is my desire to belittle them and make fun of them as much as humanly possible. Trust me, Bammers are easy to make fun of. Just go to RBR and read the commentary on pretty much any thread to get a good laugh. Now, I must preface what is about to be put down here with a disclaimer. Not all Bama fans are ‘Bammers’, or ‘Turds’ as we not-so-lovingly refer to them. There are many civil, intelligent, and normal Alabama fans out there. I run into them every day. A nice, civil, jab at me from a Bama fan that sees me wearing my Auburn lanyard at work is perfectly acceptable, and the verbal sparring that commences with them afterwards is usually witty and fun. It’s the inbred, uneducated, trailer trash, tobacco spitting, sister-screwing, overall wearing, Updyke-esque Bammers that I despise. Last year I put down on an Oregon Duck website the definition and behavior of a Bammer. This year, for the benefit of anybody that might be visiting TET out of curiosity about this bitter rivalry, I shall attempt to put into words why Bammers are so universally hated not just by us, but by most of college football in general.
1. THEY ARE THE MOST DELUSIONAL FANBASE IN THE HISTORY OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL.
Yes, that’s right. They are worse than ANYBODY. Notre Dame fans, Ohio State fans, USC fans, none of the hold a candle to Bammers. There are several subsets to this reason to hate Bammers, but we will just focus on the main one: the whole ‘we have 13 national championships;’ thing. Make no mistake about it, Alabama has won some national championships. But not 13. Not even close. For those of you that are unaware, the whole ’13’ thing started in the mid 80’s when Alabama hired an SID named Wade Atchinson. This guy decided to go back about 50 years, and any time some now-defunct hillbilly hick publication decided to declare Bama a national champion, he put it down on the list. Before he was hired, the number was much lower, but at least it was honest. The typical Bammer will argue this until blue in the face, saying things like “well there wasn’t a true national championship back then,” or “it was decided differently then”, blah blah blah. It’s laughable. By their standards, Auburn has 9 national championships. Fortunately for us, we live in the real world, and we only claim truly recognized national championships. For example, Bammer claims a national championship one year back in the 1940’s or so where the DIDN’T EVEN WIN THE SEC. It’s just really sad.
2. THEY’VE NEVER ACTUALLY LOST A FOOTBALL GAME TO A SUPERIOR TEAM. THEY JUST ‘SHIT THE BED’.
If you listen to Bammers, they have NEVER lost a football game. It’s never their fault. It’s always bad coaching, bad calls from the refs, or the team not showing up. Take the LSU game last week. They lost that game due to a bad call on an interception, and bad playcalling from McIlwain. They refuse to acknowledge the fact that LSU whipped their asses. “We had better stats!” “We got screwed on that interception call!” Blah blah blah blah. YOU GOT BEAT. The fact that you managed 6 points, AT HOME, against LSU is not relevant? LSU made mistakes, too, you just won’t acknowledge it. Don’t even get me started on the Iron Bowl last year. According to them, they ‘shit the bed,' which is one of their many usual excuses they spew out of their faceholes when they lose. Here's what really happened: Auburn made adjustments in the second half. They had no answer for Cam Newton. They had no answer for Ted Roof's halftime adjustments. They didn't move the ball and managed a paltry 3 points. They lined up and got their Crimson asses whipped by a superior team that went on to be National Champions. Trust me, it burns them up, and a Bammer will argue you till you are blue in the face. But that is the indisputable truth of what happened. Now trying to get a Bammer to admit that is like trying to convince an Islamic terrorist to sing Kumbaya with a Jew.
3. HARVEY UPDYKE
This one is a slam dunk. Need I go on? Harvey Updyke is the typical example of a Bammer. Uneducated trailer trash, tobacco chewing, sister-screwing, fatass, worthless waste of humanity that cheers for Bama because he's too stupid to aspire to anything else in life. Look up his kids’ names on the internet and laugh out loud. Need I go on?
4. THE DAMN ELEPHANT
How in the hell do you connect an Elephant mascot to ‘the Crimson Tide’? The only way I can think of is if you fed said elephant a large amount of red velvet cake with Ex-Lax frosting and they were talking about the resulting defication. I don’t know, it’s just stupid.
5. NICK SABAN.
If there was ever a money-grubbing scumbag, it’s him. The Bammers worship the ground he walks on, despite the fact that the man has the morals of a Nazi interrogator. Take a look at his past record, his stint in Miami. It’s just a matter of time before he leaves them high and dry. I wonder if he’ll take his statue?
6. THE FACT THAT THEY CAN’T ACCEPT THAT BEAR BRYANT IS GONE, AND WAS JUST AS HUMAN AS ANYBODY.
Anyone who knows anything about the history of college football knows that Bear Bryant is pretty much totally responsible for the scholarship limit rule. Sorry folks, but he wasn’t the perfect icon of angelic innocence that you portray him to be. Sure, he didn’t break the rules, but only because they didn’t exist at the time. The rules were written because of him. They call it brilliance. I call it questionable morality.
7. THEY ARE THE BIGGEST HYPOCRITES EVER
I still remember their reactions to the completely unfounded and unproven accusations thrown at Cam Newton. The months and months of ‘enjoy your championship until it’s vacated.’ Well, guess what kiddies, IT WASN’T. No wrongdoing was found. Still waiting for acknowledgement and apologies on that. Sorry, but you are still the ONLY program in the state of Alabama on probation. Hope Mark Ingram enjoyed that brand new Escalade and Julio Jones’ family enjoyed that beach house.
The list could go on forever, but there is only so much you can write and still keep interest. I’m also too lazy to research the numbers and look everything up at this time. However, I hope that has shed some light on why Bammers are so universally hated not just by us, but by most of college football in general. Watching them lose is really fun, beating them is even more fun. I don’t harbor any grand delusions that we are going to win the Iron Bowl this weekend. Quite simply, they are better than us this year. We are too young and not nearly as talented on the defensive side of the ball. See? That is the difference between a Bammer and us. We are not morons, and we can admit when someone is better than us, even them. However, it is the Iron Bowl. Rivalry games have that special air about them. You never know. I would however, like to make some observations:
Nothing would be better then pissing in Bammer’s cornflakes this Saturday and ruining any chance of them getting another shot at LSU. Realistically, the chances are minimal, Bammer is a hell of a team this year.
But you never know.