Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages! Welcome to another week of Auburn football. We apologize for you having to watch this atrocity.
This is the worst Auburn football team I have ever seen.
Here come the Homers: We are 3-1! We lost to a top 15 team, and beat another ranked team! Come on! We're not that bad! We're just young and inexperienced! Come on now!
I got news for ya, skippy. We're worse. After this weekend's masterful performance against a traditional national powerhouse known as Florida Atlantic, we managed to increase our amazing defensive ranking to 110th in the nation. Whoooooo!! Never mind that Florida Atlantic is statistically the WORST offensive team in the country while also being 91st in defense, 19 spots ahead of us. That's right, party people. We are giving up 477 yards a durn game.
There are lots of people that will be dancing in the streets that Clemson won this week, because it makes us look better. Really? I don't give a crap. We still gave them 624 yards. I'm not frigging Bob Stoops. I don't politic for frigging poll position (remember 2004?). I just expect us to win and look good. Every game this year our defense has looked like complete and utter crap.
We just gave up 300+ yards to FLORIDA ATLANTIC people. We gave them more yards in one game then they have had in every other game this year combined. The broke their game yardage average early in the second quarter. We still suck on 3rd down. Florida Atlantic famously had ONE FIRST DOWN. this year before they played us. We gave them 20. FRIGGING TWENTY. TWENTY!!!!!!!!!!!!! They had scored 3 points in 2 games this year. We gave them 14. There is simply no excuse for this. Ever. In any universe.
My faith is gone in the defense. I've lost it in our defensive coaching staff. Yes, that includes Chizik. He is a defensive coach. He has a lot of say in what goes on, mainly in schemeing. There is a lot of dissension in the ranks as well. Most recall the shouting match on the sidelines between Chizik and Roof during the game Saturday, ending with Roof walking away angrily with his head hung. The coaches know their defense is bad. They KNOW their scheme isn't working. Yet they CONTINUE to give 20 yard cushions and play soft, all in the name of being afraid to get someone hurt, as well as having no faith in the lack of experience of the team.
Guys, I've got news for you. We are going to get our butts kicked this year. We can't compete in the SEC. Hell, according to what Utah State did to us, we can barely compete in the WAC. We have the month from hell coming up. Road games at USC, Arky, and LSU, with one homestand against a resurgent Florida. With the exception of Florida, we kicked all their butts last year, and they remember it. They want a piece of us. It's like the bully from last year suddenly got wimpy, and it's payback time. I am NOT looking forward to October.
So what's the problem, you ask? All the homers whine about lack of experience, being young, blah blah blah. Guys, please wake the heck up. We have one problem and one problem only: COACHING. I'll say it again: COACHING. We have had top 5 recruiting classes the last two years. We will probably have another one this year. You can't blame it on lack of talent. The talent is there. Heck, our most talented players are the freshmen and sophomores. There's problem 1: the coaches are too stubborn and/or stupid to play the most talented players.
Just 1 example: Why in the heck is Christian Westerman not starting on the OL? I don't care who he is behind on the depth chart, FRIGGING MOVE HIM THEN. He is just BETTER.
Don't get me started on Kiehl Frazier. He ran the zone read 3 times Saturday, and averaged 10 yards a carry. The coaches won't let him throw the ball, either. COME ON GUYS!! Pull your durn panties up, get you some durn courage and GROW A FRIGGING PAIR!!!
I have never, in all my life, seen a coaching staff coach so scared. It disgusts and sickens me beyond all words. I literally want to throw up every time I see one of the coordinators, as well as Chizik. I am so ashamed of our staff right now. Literally, I am more ashamed of them then I am of Obama. And that is bad.
The list goes on and on: constant 15 yard cushions in the secondary. Little to no blitzing. Playing players that are less talented than players behind them on the depth chart simply because they are freshman and 'don't have experience.' Horrible playcalling. Horrible scheming. Lack of contact in practice leading to complete ineptitude at tackling. (Yes, that was still there Saturday). Linebackers missing assignments. CB's and Safeties not playing the ball. Poor DL play. Poor OL play. I have to stop now before I punch the computer.
The offense is still producing, despite the poor play calling that has reared it's ugly head from Gus this year. It's not producing like last year, but that was expected. Cam is gone, along with the OL. I got the feeling Gus was trying a few things Saturday, seeing how they work, and didn't want to show too much to USC. I can tell myself that for now. I actually do believe it. If he calls a poor game Saturday, at that point I'll be on his back. But right now, I'm not ready to go there. The game felt kind of like a scrimmage. But Gus, let me give you a couple of super awesome hints:
GIVE DYER THE DURN BALL. He is the best football player you have. Get him the ball. I know you didn't much Saturday because you are trying to save him. Fine. The offensive performance Saturday wasn't bad enough for me to scream about that. But I'd better see a lot of him at USC or prepare for a cursing that you can tell your grandkids about.
STOP THROWING 5000 SCREENS EVERY DURN GAME. 3rd and 2, Screen. 3rd and 10, Screen. 3rd and a million, Screen. Not to mention the 8000 screens that you throw on the other downs. (Hand on side of mouth is super secret whisper mode) I think they're catchin' on Gus! Try actually throwing for first down yardage. If it's 3rd and 2, give the durn ball to your best football player (Dyer) and tell him, "Go get me 4 more downs." Every 3rd down this year it's been 1 of two things: Screen pass or play action to home run ball. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, JUST GET THE FRIGGING FIRST DOWN!!!!!!!!
TIME TO MOVE ON FROM TROTTER. I'm sorry. Trotter knows the offense better, sure. But Frazier is so much more talented then either him or Mosely it's just not even close. On top of that, Frazier is a genuine run threat, and brings an entire new dimension to the offense. Play the most talented player. Period. Stop coaching frigging scared. Urban Meyer is an butt, but at least he is smart enough to play the best player. He won a national championship playing a true freshman. Take a lesson, boys.
As far as the defense goes, I stand by what I said earlier. The entire philosophy has to be changed. I don't know if it's more Chizik or Roof that is responsible for this whipped, Brady Bunch, limp form of a defensive philosophy, but it seriously needs a revamping back to the physicality of the Tuberville days. I don't blame the players one durn bit. They are doing what they are told. It is 100% absolutely the fault of the coaching staff, right up to the top. Coaches are historically the most stubborn creatures on the planet. We are seeing that now with Chizik and Roof. I am afraid that they are so frigging stubborn that they will continue to play this piece of crap defense all durn year and lose every game rather than admit they are wrong and change the way they play. I have no respect for this defense right now. Chiz, you might as well not even put them on the durn field if you are so scared of getting people hurt. Just concede 7 points to the other team every time you give them the ball. That is pretty much what you are doing now, anyway. Come on, Gene. You led an undefeated defense here at Auburn. One of the best ever. What the heck happened to you? When did your testicles get surgically removed and put in a jar? Stop being a wimp.
Now is the time to be thinking about the future. This is the year from hell schedule wise. We aren't going to win another durn game playing like this. I'm not even sure we can beat Samford and Ole Miss. Revamp the depth chart completely and play the best player. Teach these kids to be physical and tough. I don't care if we lose doing that, because at least then I can respect you. I can respect the effort, and see the future looking forward. Right now, the coaches are not helping us down the road. They are teaching the team to be sissies. Don't get hurt and maybe we'll get lucky and they'll drop a pass. I seriously want to puke. Not at the kids. The coaches with all their weak manhood. I am disgusted and ashamed right now.
Come on Gene. Stop being so frigging stubborn. At least give us something we can be proud of. Right now, there is nothing. Fix your wagon, or find another job. That goes for EVERY defensive coach. EVERY DURN ONE. Right up to the top. I'm not going to be nice. This job is unacceptable. I can live with losing. I can't live with being the biggest wimps in the conference. This has to change.
Fix it, Gene. You are on notice from me. Last year is over
NOTE TO MODS: Feel free to edit this and put (bleep) every time I cuss. Might take you a while though.