You've been here. We all have. It is a fairly low key day at the office. Probably in August.
1 NEW UNREAD MESSAGE
Subject: Barn ain't just burning anymore, it is spontaneously combusting into Satan hellfire
From: Sid Ewalkbam *
* biggest Bama fan you know that is actually a graduate of Birmingham Sweetbriar Womens Technical College For Men
Body of email:
Hi friend, just saw this article on Reuben Foster being interviewed by the NCAA. Doesn't sound very good at all for you all. I told you so :) tick tock.
You then login to Twitter.
BREAKING: NCAA INVESTIGATES REUBEN FOSTER - DOOM IMMINENT retweeted by 178,000,000 people
You smirk and grimace, smirmace, but you aren't concerned because you've mastered the AUBURN CONSPIRACY LOGIC TEST which I am about to teach you.
Let's take in some practical concepts for practice...
SITUATION A: Auburn paid a JuCo Quarterback $200,000 cash to lure him away from Mississippi State.
A ANSWER: Does not compute. Not logical, in fact quite laughable if you really think about it. This scenario is a resounding falsity.
SITUATION B: Auburn paid a High School counselor 350 miles away to change Jovon Robinson's grades so that he would be eligible to play this fall.
B ANSWER: This would be beyond stupid and illustrate the type of clueless risk promoting behavior that would undoubtedly result in found violations while under any NCAA investigation. As such, this is potently dumb.
SITUATION C: There is no way Auburn could take the #2 player away from Bama without cheating!!!!!
C ANSWER: If you are going to steal one of the country's highest profile players from your biggest rival, you better be damn buttoned up. I suspect we are.
SITUATION D: You are crazy for thinking Auburn is innocent in any of this. The Internet KNOWS Auburn cheats.
D ANSWER: We aren't on probation and we will continue to not be based on the evidence above as everything accused continues to FAIL my logic test. If you deliver to me an accusation that passes my logic test, then I will openly admit concern. I am waiting patiently.
So why does every NCAA tidbit on Auburn seem to make massive breaking news rounds? Knowing that NCAA speaks to 100s and 100s of recruits per year, can anybody really name many public NCAA checkups outside of Auburn's Cam Newton, Greg Robinson (accused of getting an iPod!), Trovon Reed (accused of being from Louisiana and signing with Auburn!), Jovon Robinson, and Reuben Foster?
I honestly can't.
So either an inordinate amount of Auburn NCAA news is leaked to the media somehow OR Auburn is really the only school the NCAA bothers checking in on to see if it is staying in line.
One of scenarios those shouldn't pass anyone's logic test.