"See that guy? That's the guy I'm going to murder with my offense." - USA TODAY Sports
Don't go to the concession stand during next season's Auburn-Arkansas State game. You may miss four or five possessions.
Gus Malzahn is known far and wide for his hurry-up, no-huddle offense (the HUNH, for those of you using leet speak on the Twitters), but one of Malzahn's former assistants at Arkansas State says Auburn won't have the fastest gun in college football (HT: coachingsearch.com):
"I love Coach Malzahn. I love everything about that man. I love him as a person, but he's not the only coach that goes fast. He doesn't have the corner on the market. He does not have the patent. They went pretty fast in '11 (under Freeze); we went fast in '12 (under Malzahn); we're going to go faster '13."
OHHHHH SNAP! SHOTS FIRED! U MAD, GUS??
That was Red Wolves co-offensive coordinator/running backs coach Eliah Drinkwitz who provided the quote, speaking on 95.3 The Ticket in Jonesboro, Ark. We'll certainly be able to see which school employs the breakneckiest of breakneck paces when they square off at Jordan-Hare Stadium on Sept. 7. If Malzahn has any stones at all, he'll likely forego play-calling and tell his team to "run up there, snap the ball and do whatever. I don't care. Just make it fast. FAST, I SAID."
Last season under Malzahn, Arkansas State ran an average of 73.2 plays per game, which is total weaksauce compared to Malzahn's desired goal of 80. Does Drinkwitz troll Malzahn on Twitter with that number? Let's just go ahead and assume he does.
While this is probably just some lighthearted offseason banter, somewhere, Ellis Johnson is sitting in a dark room, smoking a cigarette and sweating profusely. Like the Secretary of Defense at a world superpower, Johnson can't help but worry over a small, rogue nation advancing the arms race.
"Drinkwitz, you fool, let your ego go. Don't you know you're going to kill us all?"