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A Look Into The SEC Crystal Ball

crystal ball
crystal ball

It's that time again. I've been working overtime looking into my crystal ball, ready to make my annual SEC forecast. Last year I was hit and miss with my predictions, but considering most of America picked Florida to be national champions, I was in good company. So with much ado (about nothing) here are my fearless predictions for the 2010 college football season:

  • Cam Newton becomes the hottest young quarterback in America and leads Auburn to a 10 win season. The Tigers get revenge on Georgia and LSU, breaking its losing streak against both teams. The ole crystal ball says it's too early to call the Iron Bowl.
  • Auburn's trio of Fannin, McCalebb and Dyer lead the SEC in rushing.
  • Wide receiver Darvin Adams leads the SEC in receiving, earning first team All-SEC honors. Trovon Reed has 13 catches for 210 yards in Auburn's win over LSU. After the game, he puts his foot square in the ass of Les Miles, earning a one game suspension. Wide receiver coach Trooper Taylor proceeds to chest bump 500 fans on the way out of Jordan-Hare Stadium.
  • Josh Bynes leads a surprisingly strong linebacker group that gets defensive coordinator Ted Rood off the semi-hot seat and solidifies his job.
  • Despite making several preseason All-America teams, left tackle Lee Ziemba jumps off-side at the most inopportune time, stopping a critical Auburn drive against a big SEC foe. I'm just sayin'.
  • In a September team meeting, half of Auburn's players admit to Gene Chizik that they have no clue what he's talking about when he tells them to, "keep chopping wood."
  • Florida's Urban Meyer suffers two heart attacks by the end of September, promptly resigns and still manages not to miss a day of practice all season.
  • Alabama suffers two regular season losses and places blame squarely on ESPN for strapping a helmet cam on quarterback Greg McElroy during the taping of Alabama All-Access. The camera is removed prior to kickoff of the San Jose State game, causing McElroy's head to slant slightly to the left. As a result, he throws 14 interceptions during the month of September. Nick Saban orders the camera reattached to McElroy's head for the October 2nd showdown with Florida.
  • In early November, Saban pledges to place the SEC Championship Trophy at the Dollar General store closest to Mal Moore's home. K-Mart files a lawsuit against the school.
  • LSU loses four games, including the Florida, Auburn, Alabama and Arkansas contests. Les Miles shocks the college football world by resigning at season's end to become coach of the Detroit Lions. Years from now, many will say he entered the witness protection program.
  • Georgia Coach Mark Richt shocks the college football world by winning the SEC East. Unfortunately, the night before the conference championship game in Atlanta, he's caught driving around town with Queen Latifah. When police approach his car, he's seen wearing her red panties around his head. Richt tells police that Damon Evans dared him to do it.
  • Three Tennessee starters are suspended after they publicly question how a coach with a law degree can sound so stupid when he talks. Ed Orgeron quickly comes to the defense of Derek Dooley. Phillip Fulmer says that's what they get for firing him.
  • Auburn officials agree to accept the Football Writers Association National Championship Trophy for 2004. Alabama fans scream no fair and promptly lay claim to the 1905 Aunt Jemima Syrup National Title. The Million Dollar Band quickly incorporates Aunt Jemima into its fight song. Alabama fans never notice because admittedly, they never knew the words in the first place.
  • Five Texas Tech fans die after falling from the upper deck during the second half of the Red Raiders 6-3 season opening win over SMU. Lubbock police say all five had fallen asleep prior to the accident. Officials believe it had to do with new coach Tommy Tuberville running the ball 80 times while throwing only once. After the game, Tuberville pledges to open things up next week and throw twice as much against New Mexico. At next day's practice, wide receiver Adam James voluntarily locks himself in an electrical closet for the rest of the season.