clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

TET Blogpoll Ballot, Week 7 - Know Your Enemy

New, 21 comments

 

SB Nation BlogPoll Top 25 College Football Rankings

Rank Team Delta
1 LSU Tigers --
2 Oklahoma Sooners --
3 Alabama Crimson Tide --
4 Boise St. Broncos --
5 Oklahoma St. Cowboys --
6 Stanford Cardinal --
7 Wisconsin Badgers --
8 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets --
9 Oregon Ducks --
10 Michigan Wolverines --
11 Arkansas Razorbacks Arrow_up 2
12 Clemson Tigers --
13 Arizona St. Sun Devils Arrow_down -2
14 Michigan St. Spartans --
15 Kansas St. Wildcats Arrow_up 1
16 Illinois Fighting Illini Arrow_down -1
17 Houston Cougars Arrow_up 2
18 Nebraska Cornhuskers Arrow_up 4
19 Virginia Tech Hokies Arrow_up 4
20 Cincinnati Bearcats Arrow_up 4
21 Washington Huskies Arrow_up 4
22 West Virginia Mountaineers --
23 South Carolina Gamecocks --
24 SMU Mustangs --
25 Rutgers Scarlet Knights --
Dropouts: Texas Tech Red Raiders, Florida Gators, Texas A&M Aggies, Texas Longhorns


This week's iteration featured a few dropouts, no change to the top ten (and only three in the top fifteen, two of which were teams switching places), and some bad teams dropping out (or other teams usurping the lower spots, depending upon your perspective).

That's not very fun, is it? Nope.

So what to write about?

Well, I could bore you with a quotation you're all familiar with, and discuss its particular relevance to our inexperienced young team that's still learning its strengths and weaknesses (it's never a good thing when your biggest surprises and strengths are your punter and kicker).

But I won't. Instead, I'll just remind you that you must know your enemy. Given that Auburn is striving to be ranked, and win games, every one of these teams should be considered a foe. To help with that, I'll be making some handy-dandy comparisons to cinematic villains (consider this your first and only spoiler warning) for some -- not all, don't worry -- of the teams on my ballot.

It was either that, or you were going to be reading something serious about SMU and Rutgers. You wouldn't really want that, would you?

(Didn't think so)

Plus, given the sad state we've all been in when discussing Trotter, the defense, or anything that could possibly spark a debate, I figured you people could use a laugh.


I tried to keep them as mainstream as possible, for the most part, to keep this thing accessible. Also, clips are SFW unless otherwise indicated. We're link-heavy, but that's kind of my thing; still, the written bits work on their own, if you know the character. Most are pics, but there are video snippets here and there.

So, without further adieu, here goes:

LSU  =  Curly Bill  (Tombstone)
Wild....impulsive....dangerous... You'd be forgiven for thinking that I'm making a direct comparison to Les Miles, but he's a benevolent agent of chaos. Rather, I'm thinking of the reckless abandon and cruel spirit of their defense, as well as the natures of a few of their more colorful members/players. Occasionally an innocent gets in the way and gets blasted to holy hell. But, by and large, they're in the thick of things and they aren't afraid of a big showdown when the time comes. And if they do go down (1:05 mark), it'll be in a blaze of glory.

Alabama  =  T1000  (Terminator 2: Judgement Day)
They're a soulless, heartless machine, driven by a cold mandate to destroy all humanity. Even if you hate humanity and root for chaos, you can't bring yourself to cheer for them. It's like cheering for an earthquake or a hurricane....or an insurance company, for crying out loud. You feel bad for whomever happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. They're never quite as dead as you'd like them to be, and they're inevitable...and it's awful to think of a world in which they prevail.

Oklahoma  =  Harry  (In Bruges)   CLIPS FOR THIS ONE NSFW (language)
Okay, allow me ONE slightly esoteric pick. On the surface, they seem like a calculating, methodical dealer of death. But, just like the psychopath that Ken and Ray work for, Oklahoma occasionally gets lit up by something (or someone), and you don't want to see them when that happens. It's not pretty. Ultimately, their demise isn't quite what you expected), and comes from something you'd never see coming (and you're left with a feeling of satisfaction when it's all unfolded).

Boise State  =  John Doe  (Se7en)
Not a whole lot of screen time for this one, and as a result, they end up being underestimated -- with tragic results. They're coached by a brilliant guy who may be the best at what he does, and who always seems to have the upper hand. While some would like to argue that there are greater villains out there -- and they may be right -- you just can't pull yourself away from the horror of what's unfolding.

Stanford  =  Alan Stanwyk 
(Fletch)
Again, not a whole lot of face time for this bad guy. Aristocratic, superior, and self-assured, it's hard to muster up any great amount of hate for this bad guy, but you're still sure you don't want them to prevail against the likable sort that they're manipulating. Their emergence is quite unpredictable.

Oregon  =  Aliens  (Independence Day)
They're powerful, they're legion, and they will destroy with brute force. While one may get most of the attention, the individuals are nearly interchangeable, with similar results. Fascinating to watch, but ultimately done in by a scheme that left many sighing in disgust and rolling their eyes.

Michigan  =  Judge Smails  (Caddyshack)
This is the traditional, highbrow, stuck-up, no-fun, pain in the ass that you know is the enemy all along. Still, you like watching them get cut down to size occasionally by the little guy. In the bigger picture, there are worse villains out there, and this one is really just a minor annoyance compared to some of the greater evils out there. If they had their druthers, nothing would change, and the upstart rabble would know their place -- and stay there.

Arkansas  =  Jack Torrance  (The Shining)
Starts off as a normal guy that really isn't all that hateable. Bizzarre events transpire, an unspeakable evil is unleashed, and suddenly you find yourself sitting in awe of the terrible things that they're doing. Is there anything worse than seeing good gone bad? And much like Jack, Arkansas meets an ending that's a little anti-climactic, given the direction that things have taken.

Clemson  =  Anakin Skywalker  (Star Wars, Prequel Trilogy)
Originates as something not overly annoying, but evolves into something thoroughly irritating, repulsive, and bad for the entire viewing experience. The only solace comes in knowing the pre-determined fate that ultimately awaits them.

Kansas State  =  The Witch  (The Blair Witch Project)
Derided by many as deplorable and worthy only of the largest heaping of scorn, there's no denying that they've had an impact. Much like the witch, you don't get to see Kansas State's effects -- rather, they're manifested in a general sense of uneasiness, and the feeling that something's just not right. Getting offed by them is a rather grim and fascinating affair, culminating in events that are best left off the screen. Both are less endearing the more often they show up.

Illinois  =  Elliot Carver  (Tomorrow Never Dies)
No. Just no. This isn't right. While the entire viewing experience may not always play out the way that you want it to, you at least need to have a villain that makes sense. While Illinois technically meets the criteria required to be a villain, this just doesn't feel right. Is this really the best that we could do? Yeah, they're not going to prevail, but the entire time, it feels as though you've been ripped off.

West Virginia  =  Biff Tannen 
(Back to the Future Trilogy)
Immediately, this is an unlikeable wretch of an individual (NSFW, language) whose crude, boorish (NSFW) ways will always remind you just how much you really want to see this jerk get his. And when they do, it's richly-deserved and thoroughly enjoyable. There's always satisfaction in seeing him try, only to get smacked down each and every time.

So, fill in the blanks for me, with the teams I left out, if you'd like. Argue, disagree, make a convincing case for me.