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TET and the SBNation BlogPoll - Week 10

More stuff, after the jump:

Tired of the status quo, and wishing you could help effect some real, meaningful change?

Frustrated by the perceived inadequacies of a system that leaves you without a voice?

Are you a member of the 99%?

If so, maybe it's time to....OCCUPY JORDAN-HARE

Here's how it might look:

SCENE:  Outside of Jordan-Hare Stadium, handcuffed to the external gates near the turnstiles, are numerous -- perhaps a hundred -- blue-and-orange clad faithful. Many have their faces painted, a truly fanatical few are clutching pompomsshakers, and most are texting away on their phones, using their free hand.  All look more bored than outraged.

A news reporter from one of the Columbus area network affiliates approaches the scene, stops about fifty feet short, and turns to face the cameraman that's accompanied her.

REPORTER:   You're looking at Jordan-Hare stadium, home of the defending national champions, the Auburn Tigers. While one might expect Auburn fans to be enjoying their team's unexpected success in the month of October, they're not. Instead, many have risen up <gesturing to protesters behind her> in what they are calling a grassroots effort to bring about success to the Auburn Tigers' football program.

Reporter moves toward nearest protester, who is entirely absorbed in whatever it is she's doing on her phone.

REPORTER:  Excuse me, miss?

Girl continues to text away, still oblivious to reporter.


Still oblivious. This is obviously something of great importance to her. At least more important than her reason for handcuffing herself to the gates of Jordan-Hare stadium.

REPORTER:  <exasperated, raises voice> EXCUSE ME!

Girl looks up, perturbed. Rolls eyes and sighs.

GIRL:  That was rather rude, don't you think?

Reporter looks up, perturbed. Rolls eyes and sighs.

REPORTER:  <turning to face camera> I'm here with...<prompts girl to provide name>

Girl realizes she's on camera, considers the effect on her potential sorority bids, immediately perks up.


Reporter gives camera thousand-yard stare for just an instant, then turns to Emily, microphone extended.

REPORTER: So, Emily. What is this <gestures to rest of protesters> all about?

Girl wrinkles brow, as she might if she were preparing a line of bullshit for her professor after missing the mid-term.

GIRL:  THIS IS <realizes she's shouting, as reporter winces, lowers voice...a bit> This is what we call "Occupy Jordan-Hare." We were going to call it "Occupy Auburn," but some other people stole that name.

REPORTER:  So, what is "Occupy Jordan-Hare" all about, Emily?

Girl furrows brow again, as she might after losing a third round of beer pong.

GIRL:  Well, I was staggering home from the stadium on Saturday, and one of my friends, Melanie, got some text about one of her friends who knows someone who is totally leaving early for Fall Break so they can go sit in on that protest thing in New York. OH...what's it called...?

REPORTER:  <clenching jaw slightly> "Occupy Wall Street."

GIRL:  <jubilant> YEAH! So like, we were heading over toward Skybar, and I know it's totally lame, but there's this cute bartender there so we go anyway, and, uh...

REPORTER:  <clenching fist slightly> You got the idea for "Occupy Jordan-Hare" somehow?

GIRL:  TOTALLY.  So, anyway, we were talking, that's Melanie and me, we were talking, not me and the bartender--

Reporter glares. Girl takes the hint.

GIRL:  So, we thought about how many people there were all over the place that night, like between the tailgates, and the bars, and Toomer's Corner, and um, uh, the game, like in the stadium, too. And she's like, "That's a lot of people." And I'm like "Uh, YEAH. Duh." <makes condescending face>

REPORTER: <ready to quit job, but realizing she needs the money> And you and your friend were unhappy with the game? Even though Auburn won?

GIRL:  TOTALLY. Even though we won and stuff, the offense didn't look good. <thinks, or as close as she can get to thinking> And the defense has looked totally AWFUL all season.

REPORTER:  And what about special teams?

GIRL:  <looking annoyed> That's not a very nice thing to call them. They try REALLY hard, even if they ARE just kickers and punters and stuff.

Reporter thinks of Christine Chubbuck, sighs, continues

REPORTER:  So, why come to Jordan-Hare and do...<gesturing to handcuffs> this?

GIRL:  <quizzical look> Because this is "Occupy Jordan-Hare"...uh, hell-LOOO!

REPORTER:  Yes, I GET that, But WHY are you "occupying" Jordan-Hare?

GIRL:  Because like I said, our team has kind of sucked in a lot of ways this year. Even though we're like winning, our record isn't THAT good, and we just don't look good out there.

REPORTER:  Like at the LSU game?

GIRL:  <shocked> Who goes to ROAD games? Seriously! Anyway, we realized that with all the fans and people there and stuff, that we're like nearly everyone...and the coaches and stuff, there aren't that many of them.

Reporter nods, cuing girl to continue.

GIRL:  <gathering speed> So, all of us,'re the 99%. And that's TOTALLY like that thing with Melanie's friend. The coaches make a lot of money, so they're like the rich people. The...<trails off, does math in head, slowly>...ONE percent! <looks proud of self...shouldn't>

REPORTER:  <praying for a relatively swift end> And you're upset at the coaches -- the "one percent" -- why?

GIRL:  <triumphantly> Because we want the team to be BETTER. We know they can--

REPORTER:  And you think the coaches don't want that?

GIRL:  <condescending to reporter> NO. Like take our quarterback, <struggling> Mo-zelly...

REPORTER:  Moseley.

GIRL:  <annoyed> Yeah. Him. Like if he was SO good, then why didn't the coaches just have him in there the whole time? I mean, HELLO, did you see how bad Trotter sucked?

REPORTER:  Go on...

GIRL:  So, there's that. And our defense has looked really bad, and we were totally embarrassed by those hicks up in Arkansas. <pauses> So, anyway, us "99 percent" think that the 1 percent coaches totally need to listen to what the fans have to say.

REPORTER:  <smelling blood>  And why's that?

GIRL:  <sighs, shakes head> BEE-CAUSE like look at Cam Newton. We totally knew how good he was, and we won a national championship with him.

Girl tries to look serious and smart, fails, continues anyway.

GIRL:  So, that's why we're here. We're the 99 percent, and we want the team to be good.

REPORTER:  <trying to wrap up, thinking of possible changes to resume> And what do you think is the best way for that to happen?

GIRL:  <raises voice, doesn't know why> We need to...PLAY. BETTER. DEFENSE.

Stoned-looking boy several feet away looks as if he's been shaken out of a nap. Clearly, the only "grassroots" he's familiar with were the result of an ill-advised purchase on West Glenn.

STONED-LOOKING BOY:  <looking around, with purpose> Yeah! We need to...PLAY. BETTER. OFFENSE. <rubs remaining two brain cells together, sparks something> GUS totally needs to get back on the BUS and shit.

Reporter sighs, facepalms. Girl stomps foot angrily.

GIRL:  <indignantly> NO! That's not what this is about! You're ruining this!

STONED-LOOKING BOY:  <shrugs shoulders> Whatever. I'm just here so I can skip my Stats class.

REPORTER:  <facing camera, for the last time, perhaps ever> So there you have it. "Occupy--

GIRL:  <shrieking, interrupting, wasting valuable oxygen> OCCUPY JORDAN-HARE!!! WE ARE THE 99 PERCENT! WAR EAGLE!