The following is a letter to Mel Karmazin, CEO of Sirius/XM Satellite Radio:
Dear Mr. Karmazin:
I'm writing you on behalf of all the decent people in the state of Alabama. I write you not as an Auburn fan, but a concerned citizen of this state. While I wear orange-and-blue, I know I'm joined by many who sport crimson-and-white.
We beg you to please pull The Paul Finebaum Show from your programming lineup. For a state that's tried hard to overcome George Wallace and Taylor Hicks, the daily musings of Alabama's most ignorant on national radio is too much for a state to endure.
Last week the program hit an all-time low; and with it, the good people of Alabama suffered another body blow to public perception. I promise you not all Alabamians have the IQ of an extra-point.
We no more bought into the antics of Harvey Updyke and his attention seeking lawyer than the rest of your listeners who happened across the Finebaum program at the wrong time.
This made-for-radio event may have been the biggest embarrassment to the state since Bobby Lowder was nominated to another term on the Auburn Board of Trustees. I know it's only been a week, but things move fast around here.
The vast majority of fans in this state view the Auburn-Alabama rivalry for what it is: a nice diversion from the struggles of everybody life in the Deep South. While fans from both schools generally dislike the other on football Saturday's, we do take a sense of pride in producing the last two national champions.
Don't get me wrong, both sides would be way more satisfied with only one title winner from the state; but since it happened, we'll take it and be proud of it. Note to Governor Bentley: Don't ever bring this up at a national championship celebration. I know you are part of the Updyke Nation, but don't be stupid.
But I digress.
Mr. Karmazin, we don't tag our children with names like Bear, Shug, Bo or Allie Bammy; although I have seen more than a few dogs with these names. I believe I speak for most of the state when I say we cringed when Updyke showed up on the Finebaum show to explain his "assault" at a busy gas station in Opelika.
Never mind that no one witnessed the attack at the orange-and-blue attired station or that Updyke's lawyer, Glennon Threatt, immediately called Finebaum's program to clue Paul in on the happenings of this melodrama. Finebaum knows good theater. Let's not let a few inconsistencies get in the way of a good story. Right?
I assure you not all 62 year-old men in this state first think of their high school coach after committing a felony and then feel the need to apologize publicly to him, before making amends with those who they truly harmed. Then again, most former state troopers think before committing a crime and the repercussions they will face on the inside. Squeal like a pig boy!
Listening to Finebaum, it's easy to understand why many of you in New York view the South the way you do. I promise it's not like this in all parts of Alabama. Just stay away from Bryant-Denny Stadium in the fall and the all-you-can-eat buffet at Golden Corral on Saturday night and you'll be fine.
I hope you'll consider my request. The state has suffered enough. With double-digit unemployment and Bear Bryant starting to fade from the memories of even the oldest Alabama fans, the good people of this state need a break.
We helped everyone out by getting Bill Curry off your television and back into football coaching. Now it's your turn.
In the immortal words of Pat Dye, can you do for the state what Auburn did to Alabama 22 years ago, and throw us a bone?
Embarrassed in Alabama