I remember buying tickets to Cask+Drum in Birmingham this summer. Headliner? Drive-By Truckers, my favorite band. Seriously, I've seen them LITERALLY enough times to not care about misusing the word "literally," and I'm an English major, so you know it's serious. Also playing: Lee Bains III & the Glory Fires. They're in my top 20, and they're getting bigger, so check 'em out if you haven't (MAGIC CITY, HEART OF DIXIE, DIRTY SOUTH, USA!). See? They make living in Birmingham even better!
I remember, before even clicking the "purchase" button, checking Auburn's schedule for the day of the festival. Lo and behold, we're playing Dan Mullen on Saturday, October 11th! No biggie, right? No way that game is gonna be a big deal, right? Surely I can indulge in my musical vices and see my favorite bands play, right?
WRONG. AND IT'S BEEN EATING AT MY SOUL ALL WEEK. Maybe, I thought, I could skip out on The Glory Fires, watch the game, then make it just in time for Drive-By. But then, what's the point of even buying the ticket if I'm only seeing one band? The one band I've seen one MILLION times? Or, I thought, I could just tough it out and try to Barn while watching the games at the festival...you know, because they're showing the games in a separate area during the day. Or I could...
NO! NO! NO NO NO NO NO!!!
Y'all, it's not just "any ol' game with Dan Mullen"--IT'S THE GAME OF THE CENTURY AGAINST DAN MULLEN. Seriously, though, how many of these "games of the century" have actually lived up to the hype?
"Well, Bobby, if you Barn so hard, why isn't Kick Six on that list?"
Uh, really? Were we calling it "Kick Six" on the evening of Thanksgiving Day, in the middle of our second turkey sandwich? Yeah, I didn't think so.
So regardless of what I decide for Saturday--whether I stay at home and watch the game or go to Cask+Drum and take my chances--I'm going to be upset. Such is my life.
But you know, all this talk about music and expectations and Dan Mullen and everything...it got me thinking. I began to wonder how I would quantify ($1 @grantbland, $1 @WarBlogle) this "Game of the (Mississippi State Football Program's) Century" that we're about to face...and then it hit me. I'm going to Hard-Barn ($1 @CollegeandMag, $1 @LRWDE) like I've never Hard-Barned before.
BILLBOARD TOP 100 #3 HITS. MY LOVE SONG TO DANIEL MULLEN. HERE WE GO. (Don't ask questions, just go with it.)
2005: "Do you enjoy being hurt? I know you smelled the perfume, the make-up on his shirt" ("Let Me Love You" - Mario)
- Dan, you enjoy being hurt, don't you? Look, we get it, okay? Cam Newton held a cowbell once. That happened. But you didn't get him, and neither did Urban Meyer. All you got was a wafting of the sweet perfume of 14-0 back in 2010, and Cam does have that clothing line, now, so the shirt works, too. So sorry, Danny.
- That's right, Dan! We don't see a ring on your hand! Very good!
- "Man, wouldn't it be sweet if we could just beat Auburn? Then that'd be the biggest victory of my LIFE." Sorry, Dan. Dabo already claimed Auburn in that category in 2011. I can't really remember the last time Auburn beat a team in any conference and labeled it the "biggest in school history." (And I can't WAIT for the non-CaM commenters to enlighten me below! You know, because I'm probably wrong! Thanks guys!)
- Whatever happened to her anyway?
- Dan and Dak. Put them together and whaddya got? Erm...Dank?
- Man, remember when she wasn't weird? Wait...
- Your defense is allegedly pretty stout, yet it gave up nineteen garbage points in the fourth quarter to an awful LSU team that Auburn held to one touchdown for an entire game. Oh, and speaking of muscles, Dillon Day sure used his calves to "make contact" with Devon Godchaux's large intestine, but it's okay, because while you might be lower than Dabo on the list of coaches that have no soul/that I hate, you're about level with Mark Richt when it comes to being a great dad to so many, er, muscular specimens. Good hustle!
- It still blows my mind that people take you seriously. YOU ARE COUSIN EDDIE. YOU ARE ACTUALLY RANDY QUAID.
- Gosh, FINALLY. Somebody I used to like...and she sure likes Auburn...
- Dan, remember what it was like before you became the new LSU of the West? When you were a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again? You couldn't even beat Auburn in 2011! Even Dabo pulled that little trick off!
- "As far as my relationship with Coach Mullen, our relationship is a long one and goes far beyond just football," said Cam Newton in 2010. Oh, Dan. Danny Danny Danny. This is exactly the kind of "end-of-the-world-because-I-didn't-get-lucky-at-the-bar," twenty-something angst that fun. embodies! It's hard to imagine that song lost to some dude named Gotye ($1 SkyBar for playing that song every time I walked into a Friday night cram-fest...so, like enough dollars to pay my rent that year). What a terrible year.
- People gave money to a band called IMAGINE DRAGONS. Ponder this.
- The new age? The RadioDAKtive age? (Gah, I'm so sorry.) Hate to break it to ya, Danny, but it's gonna be a short one. This "Game of the Century"? Yeah, you know, if your team really is the best team in the West--and by proxy, the number one team in the nation--it probably is as close to the actual Apocalypse as we're gonna get. A guy who prides himself on his love/hate for Tim Tebow and Cam Newton (wait, did I get that right?), his Cousin Eddie alter-ego, and his propensity to hyperbolize, like, every SEC West game EVER, might beat a #2 Auburn team coached by Gus Malzahn and led by Nick Marshall? I suppose it's possible. I mean, anything's possible--we did let Macklemore think he was cool. We let Robin Thicke and those other guys think they were original. We let Amanda Bynes get back on Twitter:
They continue to write lies about me and it really hurts my feelings because they are calling me insane and I'm actually really smart.— amanda bynes (@amandabynes) October 9, 2014
Dan, buddy...pal..it's not happening. It might be close, but not for long. You'll get to do your CLANGA thing for the first few series, and you'll probably score 14 points. The first TD will probably be a nice pass-and-catch from the 19, and the second will be a Dak run. Gary and Verne will reach euphoric levels of shouting and speaking in tongues, but that'll be about it. Nick Marshall will have the game of his life on Saturday, even if he puts up mediocre numbers. He and the Auburn offense will make the plays against your defense that your defense couldn't manage to stop against LSU on September 20th, except they'll be against your starters, and they will HURT. Your players are going to learn what A&M learned: you don't crown a SEC West champion in September.
Oh, also, they're going to face Montravius Adams. Good luck sleeping tonight. Or Saturday night. Or ever.
The Tigers have played a tougher schedule, they know how to win on the road, and hey, its fan base strongly dislikes you. Also, this:
UAB QB Jeremiah Briscoe had 231 yards & 2 TDs against MSU. UAB QB Cody Clements had 167 yards & a TD against MSU. IN THE SAME GAME.— Blake Ells (@blakeells) October 9, 2014
Truth be told? I haven't Barned very hard this season. May this lovely ballad mash-up make up for that, Dan Mullen. Mea culpa, Barn. Mea culpa.
Advantage: Auburn (Are you kidding? Did you see how many times Gwen Stefani was on those lists? Exactly.)
Opposing Team/Coach/Fans Hate Index: 10/10
Score Prediction: Auburn 45 - Mississippi State 14
Because where there's smokin' hot tunes, there's fire, and I'll fire these hot takes until the cows come home. DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BARN! WAR DAMN EAGLE!
p.s. Auburn fans, leave the cowbells at home.