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The Smoking Barn - Week 5: Louisiana State University Tigers

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DEFENSE (clap clap) BEAT LES (clap clap) EAT GRASS (clap clap) I HATE L-S-U.

"Did he just?--yep. He called me Gene, annnddd we're walking away now..."
"Did he just?--yep. He called me Gene, annnddd we're walking away now..."
Chris Graythen

I hate LSU.

Sometimes I forget how much I hate LSU. Freshman year might be where it all really started for me. 2007 was the first time I cursed like a sailor again and again and AGAIN AND AGAIN (AND DAMMIT I'M THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN) in front of my friends from high school as we watched Matt Flynn toss a last-second doozie to Demetrius Byrd to beat us in Baton Rouge. Auburn fans stared from their seats in disbelief. My friends stared at me and looked around asking, "Who invited him, again?" with their eyes. I never hung out with them again.

Wait a minute, why is that a bad thing? Why was I hanging out with them in the first place? What true Auburn fan in their right mind doesn't go blue in the mouth with expletives when Les Miles pulls that kind of crap on us? I mean, COME ON. And it was worse because the guy that caught the ball was the ONE guy on the LSU roster who did the Michael Jackson "look at me wave my hand in front of my face...like I'm Michael Jackson"...thing. I think? So...NYEAH. I hate LSU.

2008? I was dating this girl at the time. She was all right. I forgot my student ID that day, and I'm not sure she even had a ticket, so I withdrew the last $60 in my checking account from an ATM and SOMEHOW convinced a scalper that we were both poor and that this game meant the world to us. I also convinced him that the $60 in cash was all I had in my pocket. He sold us the tickets. I was also in a fraternity, which meant block seating, so again, SOMEHOW, we managed to be sneaky, and we walked behind a family crossing the gate inside the stadium to get into the student section....er, something like that. I dunno, it was a weird day.

Oh, and we lost to LSU. By 5. Jarrett Lee won that game. I just sat there staring at the field from my seat. Bae was all like, "Okay, let's get out of here so we can go back to my place and make a pizza and watch Grey's Anatomy," and I was all like, "Girl, I need to just sit here and wallow like a man. Like a damn Auburn man." Tuberville's last season, and we lose to LSU by 5. The lady and I break up in a church parking lot the following spring. I hate LSU.

2009. Chizik's first year. I just remember being happy that we a) had a new coach, and b) we had beaten West Virginia in what will forever be in my top 5 of greatest Auburn games I've ever witnessed. Ever. Period. Arkansas this year? Not "The Rain Game." A rain game, but not the rain game. Not sorry. I hate LSU.

2010. CAM NEWTON HEISMAN MOMENT and Onterio McCalebb's sweeping run. Experts say that sugar plums dance in the heads of young children on Christmas Eve. Nope. Not me. It's those two plays. And spoiler alert: every day is Christmas Eve when that happens. I hate LSU, and I love Cam Newton.

2011-2012. Nope. I hate LSU.

2013. Am I the only Barner who actually watched that entire game and thought there was still a chance we might tie this thing and go into overtime? Am I the only football fan who, from that day forth, cursed and denounced the idea that Death Valley was "the most intimidating place to play football at night"? Am I the only one who wants to have fun tonight? ($1 Dierks) That game still leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I HATE LSU.

It's #LSUHateWeek, and I made a commitment to use that hashtag in just about every possible tweet I could this week. Let me show you:

Okay, seriously. Those middle two? I genuinely thought Harvey Updyke was in front of my house. The guy had an uncanny resemblance. And that car? Yeah, I'm the crazy one. That fourth tweet? It's a dead gum music tweet. A MUSIC TWEET DURING LSU HATE WEEK. What, am I writing this from Bottletree or something?

I'll go ahead and tell you: this is not one of my better Smoking Barns. My barn ain't just smoking--it's suffering an ever-loving gas fire the likes of which only Mount Vesuvius even comes close to in a heated (ha) competition on a world stage. But let me make myself clear. Sure, in past seasons, even in the ones I mentioned above, I've never really had a good reason to "hate" LSU the way I hate Alabama and Georgia and Florida. The Bayou Bengals just never quite reached that level of hatred from me as an Auburn fan.

Until last season. When Les Miles did the unthinkable--when he said to Arthur Gustav Malzahn, "Nice job, Gene."

"NICE JOB, GENE"??? SHUT YOUR GRASS-EATIN', SWAMP-WASH POTTY MOUTH, LESLIE.

Look. He called him Gene. I know it, you know it, Les knew it. He even did that "Oh, shoot, lemme save face real quick and pat him on the back and say some gibberish to make it seem like that was planned," reaction immediately afterwards that matches the awkwardness felt when the girl at the drive-thru window says, "Good luck at your job interview!" and you reply, "Yeah, you too!"

I've set the stage, so I'll keep this simple. Auburn wins this game Saturday night in front of a ROCKIN' Jordan-Hare Stadium. Yung Joc is gonna be super busy. The entire student section will cut class the following Monday. Folks in Montgomery will swear that these are end times and the earth is finally ready to swallow us up as it shakes and moves in time with Jordan-Hare in SEISMIC proportions. Empty-nester couples in the stands will find themselves transfigured into the raw, primordial warrior poets that, in a former life, watched all those interceptions in 1994--jean shorts and giant orange trucker hats and Tiny Terry Bowden and everything. I mean, my word, it was like Oprah--and YOU get an interception, and YOU get an interception, and YOU ALL GET INTERCEPTIONS AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Both teams will trade blows, but Auburn's defense will make you believe in something for once in your life--this game will have more sacks than general seating for the Oakland Raiders. Auburn will do 3rd-quarter Auburn things in the 3rd quarter, but Auburn will kick a field goal in the 4th quarter to make it 27-24. LSU will mount a long, boring, offensive drive to set up the game-winning touchdown. Yung Joc will boom over the JH speakers, Jordan-Hare will get as loud as it's been since Kick-Six, but it won't matter, because LSU's quarterback will heave a pass into the end zone that'll remind us of 2007 all over again. The receiver will make the grab. LSU will score. Cursing and throwing of drinks will ensue.

But wait.

The refs will blow their whistles. "Holding, on the offense. Ten yard penalty. Replay 3rd down."

LSU will line it up again. Jordan-Hare will get loud, but that "hmm, we should've just lost the game, but let's try this again" kind of loud. One of our front four will hit the quarterback as he throws--right into the hands of our secondary, who will run it back 50+ yards for the game-clinching score. I don't even care who it is. Ballgame.

After Les Miles shakes GUSTAV'S (not Gene's) hand, he'll watch Gus bee-bop on over to Waffle House. Les will have an Urban Meyer-like nervous breakdown. The walls will close in around him. He'll walk over to Mike the Tiger and ask something incoherent like, "Did you know Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy?" After an unsuccessful attempt to get into the War Eagle Supper Club ("But you don't understand--I know the Velcro Pygmies personally, Mr. Bouncer"), he will exile himself into the cold North, where he'll acquire a taste for rubber tire bits and gluten-free Bermuda. After a few weeks, Les will wake up in the new athletic director's office in Ann Arbor, and this inexplicable coincidence alone will be good enough to grant him the keys to the blue and yellow rental car that is currently Michigan Football. Les Miles will win the B1G every year for the next century--LSU will never beat Auburn again. It will be a time of great revelry and glorious singing and the imbibing of many fine craft beers. The American economy will fully recover. Kim Jong-un will scream "SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!!!" right before his Play-Doh head explodes. ISIS will have that thing happen to all of them that happened in Independence Day when all of the ships' shields went down after the nuke-virus went off, only, ah, ah, uh, much, ah, less Jeff Goldblum. Gus will be made President. A century of peace and prosperity in America.

I've lost my ever-loving, Barnin' mind. I hate LSU.

Advantage: Auburn

Opposing Team/Coach/Fans Hate Index: 9.99999999999999/10

Score Prediction: Auburn 34 - Louisiana State University 24

Because where there's smoke fuming out of my Barnin' ears, there's fire, and I'll fire these hot takes until the cows come home. DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BARN! WAR DAMN EAGLE!