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The Smoking Barn - Week 9: Texas A&M Aggies

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Kyle Allen spit some mad game with Camera Girl a few weeks ago. Could he do the same with these major female celebrities?

"Ay, girl. Let's hold hands."
"Ay, girl. Let's hold hands."
Ray Carlin-USA TODAY Sports

"I think the Internet would break if Taylor Swift started dating Kyle Allen."

It kinda broke when we all thought Kyle Allen was gonna start dating that cutie on the sideline holding that camera:

I bet his pickup line was him singing, "Do you want to see me throw, ma'am?" Frozen? PFFT. This guy is on fire.

Okay, okay, so everybody has said this about T-Swift. The Internet hasn't broken yet, so I guess we can stop saying it. Does Taylor Swift have a ceiling? An off-switch? She's kind of music's equivalent to Alabama's running back philosophy for the last 5 years. You get Mark Ingram as your only Heisman winner EVER, and then every running back after him is exponentially better, yet never wins the Heisman? It doesn't make a lot of sense, but then again, neither does the Taylor Swift story.

But back to Kyle Allen...let's be real for a second. That girl with the camera is a certified cutie. And she was clearly into Mr. Allen, or at the very least, a nice enough person to tolerate him, but he's a handsome dude, and I imagine he can hold a conversation. Let's give him a "W" on this one.

HOWEVER, can Kyle Allen spit mad game on the playing field? Texas A&M barely convinced me they could handle Louisiana Monroe, which is probably the college football equivalent of the "first one out" on The Bachelor...like, not the first girl to avoid getting a rose, but maybe the second or third, and then she's immediately cast as the leading contender on Rock of Love with Bret Michaels.

Historically, Auburn has made back-up quarterbacks look pretty good. I mean, not Heisman-worthy, but maybe better than the starter. I don't watch a lot of Broadway plays, which is to say I've never watched a Broadway play, but regardless, I don't know of many understudies that played (leading role) better than Nathan Lane.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't watch plays. Like, ever.

As I was saying, we all know what happened in 2010. It seems like every game saw us take out the opposing starting QB, and in trots this little freshman or sophomore who's barely got any peach fuzz on his face, but then he looks surprisingly good (except for Connor Shaw, who somehow out-Garcia'd Stephen Garcia in that game).

We take out Ryan Mallett, and then his Padewan Tyler Wilson throws FOUR TOUCHDOWNS. What's that you say? You're unhappy with our defense this season?

We had the Jekyll and Hyde of the SEC in Jordan Jefferson and Jarrett Lee against LSU. We had to beat TWO quarterbacks. But let's be real. Les Miles beat them that night.

We played against Jeremiah Masoli for Ole Miss. Remember when he was gonna be the savior for the Rebels? I mean, he was gonna solve ALL of their offensive problems. So in a way, since he was the only answer, he was kind of his own back-up. Therefore, we played the Ole Miss back-up QB that year, also. Somewhere Bo Wallace is Manning-faced.

We played Erin Murray for the entirety of the Georgia game. A) I love Nick Fairley, and B) I don't give a damn how dirty he is.

And of course, the cherry on top is when AJ McTatterchestWebb came in for the dying minutes of the Iron Bowl after now-SEC Network analyst/more prepared for the NFL than Cam Newon Greg McElroy was slammed to the turf harder than a Gronk touchdown ball.

Nope, Kyle Allen just can't compete with the 2010 Hall of Fame of back-up QB's that faced Auburn. BUT, we can dream that he might have a chance with some of today's most famous women. Let's try it out, shall we?

1. Kyle Allen and Katherine Webb / Angelo Blackson is hungry

As I'm writing this, I'm watching the Browns--THE BROWNS--beat the crap out of the Bengals. I would love nothing more than for Cincinnati to toss McCarron into the fray. I just want to watch Karlos Dansby absolutely truck AJ into the turf. At that point, you know, since McCarron would be a vegetable, KYLE ALLEN: COME ON DOOOOWWWNNN.

Just kidding. This couple ain't happening. The original one is bad enough. You have this brain-dead little girl who can't seem to understand why she isn't more famous for what she does on a daily basis and who she married, AND she betrayed her school when things started getting tough--and then you have Katherine Webb who's just more vapid than a three-toed sloth.

Kyle Allen would stand a chance, but we wouldn't wish that on him...or anyone. But let's face it. AJ and KWebb deserve each other. See you at the Wedding Expo in Birmingham!

Angelo Blackson has been one of the most underrated defensive players on this defense all year. The guy is doing some serious work, and he might love sacking quarterbacks more than Carl Lawson. I know that's blasphemy, but we're living in the Playoff Era now. It's pretty much already the Apocalypse anyway. I expect that he and Monty Adams will give Kyle Allen plenty of bruises for Camera Girl to put ice on, but they'll leave enough for Gabe Wright, too.

Relationship Odds: 48%

Duration: After splitting with McCryersonTattWebbson? I give it 4 months.

Death Blow: KWebb finds out that Kyle has an aunt who is crazier than Dee Dee Bonner. Kyle comes home to see KWebb wearing burnt orange.

Advantage: Auburn

2. Kyle Allen and Miley Cyrus / Auburn's Revolving Door of DB's

Do we even want this relationship to happen? That's probably what you're asking me, but just hear me out. I really think Kyle Allen would bring back the "Party in the USA" Miley Cyrus. Even I liked that Miley Cyrus.

You watch Kyle Allen talking to Camera Girl on the sideline, and you can just visualize what he'd say to Miley Cyrus:

"Man, why are you wearing that? Come on, Miley. I mean, just don't wear that stuff, girl."

Look, I hate Miley Cyrus, but I'm trying to be more open-minded about this kind of stuff. If Kyle Allen is the answer, then by all means, let's give him a shot. If you want Billy Ray as your father-in-law, that's your cross to bear, my friend. Godspeed.

Will Auburn finally get on the same page in the secondary? I would say yeah...so long as they don't do stupid things like pop late hits on receivers at the worst possible times during a game. And yeah, look, I'm gonna Barn, okay, but late hits are dumb. They just are. Just don't do 'em.

Kyle Allen ain't no Kenny Trill, but then again Kenny Trill threw EIGHT picks in the last 5 games before wearing street clothes against LA Monroe. Kyle got his first start of 2014, and he turned the ball over twice. One of those turnovers was an interception. If Ellis can somehow just get his guys to play their assignments and avoid stupid-ass penalties (what's up, Tom Ritter?), they should get a chance or two at a potential pick-six.

Derrick Moncrief, Rudy Ford, Josh Holsey. Let's make a statement this weekend. A Kyle Allen under pressure cannot stand, and he's sure to lob some balls up there in your area code.

Relationship Odds: 37%

Duration: Two months, MAX. At this point, it's whatever pisses off Daddy the most.

Death Blow: Kyle runs for the hills when Billy Ray invites him to go hunting and "hang out" during an episode of The Big Bang Theory.

Billy Ray: "I just don't get why people like this show, Kahl. I don't get the jokes."

Kyle: "May I suggest, sir, that your entire existence as a celebrity and a father is a joke?"

Billy Ray: "Ha ha ha, yeah, yeah.....yeah."

Advantage: Auburn

3. Kyle Allen and Katy Perry / Kyle Allen ain't no Heisman finalist

I still don't know if I like Katy Perry. One of my good buddies asked on Twitter one time if she was actually talented, or just really good at yelling. We might never know.

She was pretty good at picking us to beat LSU, but it's not hard to go against Lee Corso when he's up there screaming like your little brother after he tries a soda for the first time. Kyle could probably keep up with her.

Unfortunately, he can't keep up with Nick Marshall. Nick is putting up Heisman-worthy numbers this season, and he's doing it with ZERO media attention. But you know what? That's okay. Yeah, I'd probably enjoy it if a few more folks (paging Robert Smith...) gave him some more credit in that regard, but Nick Marshall is cool as a cucumber, and he doesn't need your approval to keep balling out.

And as much as the nation seems to want Auburn to lose, Nick just don't care. A guy with that much ice in his veins can't feel the heat, anyway. If he keeps doing what he's been doing for the last few games (heck, the season...one loss to Mississippi State, for those of you counting at home...on one hand, no less), he's going to be in the Heisman conversation soon--that is, if Cameron Artis-Payne doesn't beat him there, which is absolutely a possibility.

Relationship Odds: 92%

Duration: 20 seconds

Death Blow: Katy totally forgets that she told Trevor Knight to call her on GameDay. She leaves a note on Kyle's kitchen counter along with a single, sad, cold corn dog.

Advantage: Auburn

4. Kyle Allen and Taylor Swift / Auburn has some pretty talented RB's/WR's

Look, I'm gonna get super real with y'all: I like one Taylor Swift song. Only one...

...Tim McGraw.

And look, you can make fun of that all you want, but I seem to remember she actually looked and sounded like a country artist when she sang that tune, so you can all just think of me whenever you hear Tim McGraw, or however that song goes.

Gah, you know, as much as I hate to say it, Kyle Allen and Taylor Swift might actually make a good couple. Allen is essentially the anti-Manziel, and Taylor Swift has had more identity crises than Prince, Puff Daddy or P-Diddy or Puffy or whatever his name is now, and Cat Stevens all put together. Kyle Allen is the solid, dependable option Taylor Swift needs to finally settle down with and start singing about. She could sing about how he doesn't have any tattoos, or how he drives his Prius with one hand on the steering wheel and the windows down, or how he plays Apples to Apples with the nursing home folks every other Thursday. Really, just, such a sweet guy.

You know what else is sweet? Our other Heisman-worthy guy on offense: Cameron Artis-Payne. The guy lives and breathes to punch you straight in the mouth, but not in the way LSU's Jeremy Hill did it to those folks in public those times. He's 31 yards away from 1000 on the season, and it's only the first week in November.

You know what else else is sweet? Our Heisman-like receiver who could kill a grown man just by looking at him: Duke freakin' Williams. "Shark Eyes" is one of the most dependable players on our roster. It's not just his mechanics--it's his attitude. When he and Nick don't connect, he gets furious, and I love that. He gets fired up about getting things right on the field. I trust him to run the routes, catch the ball, score the points.

ALSO on the menu: Corey Grant, Roc Thomas, Ricardo Louis, Sammie Coates, Melvin Ray, Marcus "Clutch" Davis, CJ Uzomah, BRANDON FULSE...

A&M's defense is terrible, and our offense will feast on it...and if Taylor Swift writes a jam about that, I'll play it on repeat for the rest of my 20's.

Relationship Odds: 89%

Duration: This one has marriage potential, folks.

Death Blow: Death itself, which is the only thing that shall come between this sacred union.

Advantage: KYLE. Look, I know T-Swift did that "A Hug for Taylor Swift" in Auburn a while back, but those bros are dumb and desperate, and you know one of those bros was wishing for a little more than just a stupid hug for all that effort--I think she did kiss one of 'em on the cheek in the end. Kyle Allen wouldn't take 6 weeks and a bunch of videos to get her attention. He would just walk up to her and be like, "Hey, so hey. Hey. So, I'm the back-up QB at A&M? We're playing Auburn in a couple of weeks. Should be fun. Hey, I bet you could write a cool song about that. Right? Haha, yeah."

Advantage: Auburn
Honorable Mentions: Kim Kardashian (44%), Lindsey Lohan (24%), Amanda Bynes (37%), Bert's Wife (99%)
Final Tally: Auburn 3 - Kyle Allen 1
Opposing Coach Hate Index: 6.8/10
Score Prediction: Auburn 45 - Texas A&M 24.

Because where there's a smoke-show on the sideline, there's fire, and I'll fire these hot takes until the cows come home. DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BARN! WAR DAMN EAGLE!

P.S. I'll be in Auburn this weekend for the first time this season. It's about time, and I can't wait. I hope to see a lot of y'all there. Come find me tailgating and let's, I dunno, take a picture or something. Barn hard, y'all.