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Gus Malzahn Shouldn't Go to the NFL and Here Are Reasons Why

If I had to convince Gus Malzahn not to leave Auburn for the NFL, this is how I would do it. With nonsense.

Hey, are you mulling? Stop that mulling!
Hey, are you mulling? Stop that mulling!
John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports

Gus. (Can I call you Gus?) Gus, sit down. We need to talk. I need to show you some things.

You don't want to go the NFL. Here's why.

What's in a Name?

When's the last time a guy named Gus even coached in the NFL? Turns out there's only been one Gustav in the history of the league and a few others nicknamed Gus, including the current Jacksonville Jaguars coach. Let's see how they did!

Gus's in the NFL

Hmm, not so good. Tebell has the best record, but he only coached three games. Plus, it was sort of a unique situation. He was a player at the time, too. Simply put, if your name is Gus, and yours is, don't coach in the NFL.

The Spurrier Experience

You have repeated many times that Steve Spurrier was a role model of yours as he began his coaching career. After all, that's where your visor comes from. Spurrier tried the NFL for two seasons and resigned after going 12-20 in those two seasons. Once returning to the college game, he said, "Obviously my last two years in the NFL were not much fun at all." Did you hear that, Gus? Your role model was trying to warn you. THE NFL IS NOT MUCH FUN AT ALL.

Wardrobe Considerations

Speaking of that visor, is that something you would keep wearing in the NFL? What about your sweater vests? Auburn fans love the vests, but NFL fans? Probably not. Take a look at this.

NFL Wardrobe

Seven active NFL head coaches have won the Super Bowl. Only one wears a visor. Yep. Just one. Four others wear visors, too, and they're a bunch of losers. I mean, have you even heard of Doug Marrone? And who let a 15-year-old coach the Raiders?

On the sweater vest side of things, there's just one guy. Rex Ryan. The players love him, but that's about it. And the New York Post zings him weekly with vicious headlines. Could you handle that level of scrutiny? That level of ridicule? And even if you could, why would you do that to yourself?

So, no one wears both a visor and a sweater vest in the NFL. No one. And if they did, do you really think they could win the Super Bowl? That's a bet I'm not willing to take.

Location, Location, Location

If you did leave for the NFL, where would you even go? Let's take a look at some hot seats as possible destinations.

Atlanta: You'll give certain #AuburnTwitter personalities another excuse to root for Alabama players. What are you, some kind of enabler?

Chicago: I hate to go back to the sweater thing, but they're not gonna let you do this as coach of the Bears.

New York: Again, those headlines! Yeesh!

Jacksonville: If there have only been four head coaches named Gus in NFL history, Roger Goodell isn't going to let there be two in a row for the same team.

San Francisco: That's a looong way from Irving, Texas.

And if it doesn't work out for you, what then? You'll have to come back to college ball and probably betray your most loyal Auburn fans. It might even make a liar out of you.

Really, anywhere you end up is going to have hardly any talent on the roster. That's what got the previous coach on the hot seat in the first place. And before you say your offense can work with any players, look what they're doing with YOUR offense with CAM NEWTON of all people.

So You're a Basketball Fan?

On a different note, I hear you like basketball. Well, would you like to see a program rebuilt from the ground up? It's about to get super interesting on the Plains. It would be a shame if you missed it. I mean, didn't you hear. Auburn just beat Xavier! Yeah, that Xavier!

I know they're not ranked this year, but they've made the NCAA's eight of the last nine seasons. And not just appearances, but Sweet Sixteens and Elite Eights. Yep, the Tigers beat that Xavier. So things are looking up with Bruce Pearl at the helm and you could be the Jack Nicholson or Spike Lee to Auburn's Lakers or Knicks.

Look, things are great here in Auburn. You just landed the most coveted defensive coordinator of this season's coaching carousel. You have a stable of running backs and, a quarterback with a sniper-rifle arm. Those Mississippi schools aren't going to finish 2nd and 3rd in the division in the same year ever again.

Just stick around. See where this journey takes us. And, whatever you do, don't read this.