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Undercover Barner: 10 Things I Hate About BERT

This week's Undercover Barner doesn't like BERT and doesn't mind talking about it.

Thank you for not coaching our team.
Thank you for not coaching our team.
Marvin Gentry-USA TODAY Sports

Well, Tiger fans, it looks like the 2014 football season is finally upon us.

After an offseason that seemed to drag on like a late night Pac12 game, we’ve now endured our last football-less Saturday until January. Goodbye lazy summer evenings, hello blood pressure spikes and capital letters. Welcome back, baby. We’ve missed you.

This season will be a bittersweet one for me. You see, while I will always be a Barner, I’ve started my final year of education at the Capstone. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed spending each week with you all, even through the abomination of 2012 but especially through the exhilaration of 2013. It’s not over yet, though, so I’m going to enjoy the ride. Let’s War Eagle awhile longer, shall we?

I’ll go ahead and put this out there: I don’t like BERT. At all. And I’m not ashamed of it.

Hi, I’m Peggy Rossmanith, and I hate BERT with a passion that borders on irrational.

Whether it’s his baseless claims that HUNH is a danger to athletes or his baseless claims that Auburn left out "crucial" game tape in their courtesy film, I hate* everything about him. I hate him so much, in fact, that I’ve written** a poem about it entitled 10 Things I Hate About BERT:

I hate the way you talk to Gus

and the way you blankly stare

I hate the way you whine for days

I hate that you breathe our air.

I hate your big dumb moonface head

and the HUNH crap that you opined.

I hate you so much MY CAPS LOCK STICKS,

and I’ll even curse from time to time.

I hate the way you slow the game,

And thousands will agree

I hate it when you score a point,

because you don’t deserve the glee.

I hate that we must play each year,

and the fact that you didn’t bawl.

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate it,

When you’re walking…

And it’s raining…

And BERT can’t help but fall.



BERT is basically a caricature of the rival coach everyone loves to hate. He’s loud, he’s mean, and he’s cocky. While it is most certainly #ArkansasHateWeek, it feels more like #BERTHateWeek. Unfortunately, #BERTHateWeek doesn’t have much of a ring to it. If you ask me, we need to spice it up a little. Maybe #EatDirtBERT? #MakeBERTHurt? See what you can come up with. Leave your suggestions in the comments and I’ll probably relentlessly tweet them as #DropTheDessertBERT Week unfolds. Sorry not sorry.

Arkansas has played spoiler for us more times than I’d like to count. But this time feels different. I’ve moved beyond my usual cautious optimism into full confidence*** about Saturday’s game. After coming so close to the mountaintop, these Tigers will be anything but complacent. As much as I shy away from anything and everything related to the BCS National Championship Game, if you don’t think Gus reminds them of that heartache every single day, you’re crazy. Gus is hungry. Auburn is hungry. Arkansas, you have the unfortunate distinction of both playing Auburn when they have something to prove and of purposefully having hired the biggest blowhard coach the SEC has to offer. I hope we hang 50 on you.

Even with Nick Marshall on the bench for an undetermined amount of time, I don't think Auburn struggles mightily at home against this Arkansas team. I've been drooling over the prospect of a Sammie Coates/Duke Williams 1-2 punch since A-Day. And have you seen Corey Grant****, lately? He's not just a scat back anymore. Long story short, I can't wait to see the 2014 Auburn Tigers take the field.

If you’re heading to the Plains this weekend, soak up the atmosphere. I spent last weekend at home and loved every second and I wish I could be in Auburn for the first game. If you’ll be watching the game on the SEC Network, join us in the College and Magnolia open thread. I’ll be livetweeting the game as well, complete with capital letters and questionable language.

Man, I missed football season.

Until next time—War Eagle.


*Calm down. It's hyperbolic hate.

**Parodied. The source material is here, and in my defense, it was based on Taming of the Shrew, so it's like, Shakespeare and stuff.

***Yeah, well, okay I'm still worried. Because Hawg Hex. But I'm not as doom and gloom as I usually am. I definitely think we'll win.

****Corey Grant is my child, obviously. And I will love him with all the ferocity of a mama bear. Tre is chasing his Sunday dreams and I want the same for Corey. Expect ALL the OPELIKAAAA tweets when he touches the ball.