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Revenge games. They're peculiar little monsters.
Is this a revenge game? And for who? Arkansas? Surely Bert can't be serious...and don't call him Shirley...call him BERT (his wife's name is Jen, by the way). Auburn? Now there's a fun argument. Bert's not convinced that we beat him fair and square last year, and if we use my patented "Jesse Palmer Calculator," we'll find the answer to be "AUBURN SQUEAKED BY" in that little LCD display at the top. But this isn't math class, and we're not friends with Jesse Palmer on Facebook, and until he gets a Twitter, I'll continue to hurl insults at him passive aggressively about his hair, his affinity for romance-based TV competitions, and the fact that he's from Canada.
No, folks, this is not a revenge game. It's a RE-revenge game. It's the kind of matchup where you've prayed every night on your knees, perhaps beneath your Cam Newton bobble-head on your nightstand, for Gus to tie a cement block to the gas pedal of the Gus Bus and LEAVE NO DOUBT. (Who do I quote? Coach Yoast or Coach Gus?)
Oh, and speaking of leaving no doubt, when our offense runs the victory formation as the clock winds down in the 4th quarter, I think it'd be fitting if all 11 of our guys fell first to their knees, then completely on their faces. Like, don't even block. Maybe we can get the entire stadium to do this in the stands. Can you imagine? You know, just to show Bert that he's not the only person who's ever fallen down at a fan wa--BAHAHAHAHAHA NOPE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE, BERT. NOT EVEN GONNA INCLUDE THE GIF ON THIS ONE.
It's the kind of game you played when you were in 8th-grade P.E., and your side just obliterated the other in a game of dodgeball. Now it's time to sweep the series 2-0, and do it quickly, because 6th-period biology promised frog dissection today, and you want to get a seat next to Katie from the cheerleading squad, and not Lyle, who's probably going to end up on the Geek Squad.
It's like in Warrior, when Tommy Riordan BEAT THE CRAP out of Pete "Mad Dog" Grimes at the gym, then BEAT THE REMAINING CRAP out of him AGAIN in Atlantic City.
Because, c'mon, you guys. I'm not worried about losing the first game of the season against an SEC West opponent. I'm worried about losing to Bert. LOSING TO BERT. Can you process that? And speaking of process, can BERT process the fact that he hasn't beaten the state of Alabama? Ever? Nick says put your hand down, because he's sick and tired of you media guys turning this whole thing into a spectacle.
We're going to beat Arkansas. We've already beaten Arkansas in so many other ways. Let's take a look, shall we?
1. Quarterbacks
It's on everyone's minds how long Nick Marshall is going to be on that sideline. It's certainly on Bert's mind.
No, wait. That's ribs. Sorry. They're both pretty appetizing, give him a break.
Jeremy Johnson is more than capable of taking care of business on Saturday. I'm perfectly fine with him playing the entire game, but then again, I Barn harder than most of y'all, so I don't expect y'all to lower yourselves to that level of crazy. In all seriousness, though, I want this to be like when Goldberg returned to WWF Smackdown and saved The Rock from nWo, except The Rock, who's JJ in this scenario, will have already crippled Hulk Hogan (Arkansas' ailing, not-made-for-TV-anymore secondary), and now they're just toying with Kevin Nash and Scott Hall (er...everyone else on that squad). GIVE HIM THE CHAIR.
Just a revolving door of quarterbacks. Hey, throw TUCKER TUBERVILLE in there, except make him jump out of the plane from "Jetgate" and parachute onto Pat Dye Field. Better yet, can we paint a red circle on Bert's belly? Can we copyright "Bert's Belly"?
Arkansas' quarterback is Brandon Allen and Brandon Allen's truck was set on fire earlier this week, so you see? We're usually the ones being labeled a dumpster-fire of a program, when his truck LITERALLY caught fire. What's the "dumpster" of the truck community? Ram?
Advantage: Auburn
2. Fun with Names
You'd be hard-pressed to find the actual SEC hipster who called Bret Bert before it was cool. And even if you did, they wouldn't want you to find them, because they don't want the attention. Probably a privilege thing.
For your game-day smack talk, though, allow me to offer you some fun, Arkansas-player-name-related puns to sling around like the greasy roller franks at the 7-Eleven down the street from Bert's office in Starkville:
- Brandon Allen, QB - More like "brandin' my truck with fire" Allen.
- Luke Charpentier, C - I cannot WAIT for Verne to attempt this one later in the season. Seriously, why is there a French guy on this roster? I bet they hate the HUNH over there, too. YEAH, FREEDOM FRIES, AND ALL THAT!
- Lane Saling, K - There isn't even a picture of this guy on their roster page. Seriously. Go check. I'll wait....
- ...did you check? It's just an image of the Hog. Like, Bert loves trick plays so much that he's actually HIDING his kicker so you can't figure out if an onside kick is coming. And yeah, I KNOW it's a freshman, but seriously, who taught Bert how to code? When did he have time for a class at the Y?
Because where there's smoke, there's fire, and I'll fire these hot takes until the cows come home. DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BARN! WAR DAMN EAGLE!