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The Smoking Barn - Week 3: Kansas State Wildcats

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Despite fans that don't know how to hate talk and Bill Snyder memes, it'll all come down to a field goal in Manhattan.

"Oh, so you got some jokes about Coach Snyder, huh?"
"Oh, so you got some jokes about Coach Snyder, huh?"
Jasen Vinlove-USA TODAY Sports

It used to be when you trash-talked Auburn, you went after one of the following trending jokes:

a) The Auburn Fambleh

b) $cam Newton

c) Boogers

d) Being red-headed and a stepchild/little brother or sister but not necessarily in that order

e) eh, why not? BARNER BARNER COW COLLEGE BARNIN' BARNERS

Because when it comes to being on the receiving end of hate-talk, we as Auburn fans (and I only speak for myself when I use the term "Barners" instead) know what to expect. With Alabama it's always quantity over quality--the same jokes over and over again, forever and ever, amen. With Mississippi State, it's whatever Dan Mullen and his followers can pull out of their keister regarding an Auburn player's grade that mysteriously got in the right person's hands at the right time. With Georgia, it's always--BAHAHAHAHA LEMME KNOW WHEN JOURNEY WINS A GRAMMY AND WE'LL TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY, DWAGS.

And for all of the obscure, crazy hate talk that we take from within the SEC, I have to give Kansas State credit. No, they might not be able to hang in the SEC West from a football perspective, but they sure can kind of almost hate talk like the SEC West!

Or can they?

1. Hate Talkin' 'em Up, Y'all!

Honestly, I couldn't decide if I should engage with these Wildcat fans on Twitter or just feel sorry for them. Bless their little hearts:

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>One day away from showing the SEC how to play football! <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/EMAW?src=hash">#EMAW</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/BIG12?src=hash">#BIG12</a></p>&mdash; Cáℓεв βяîレレ (@Brillionaire3) <a href="https://twitter.com/Brillionaire3/status/512264956679421952">September 17, 2014</a></blockquote>

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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Does this mean we are going to beat Auburn? I think yes. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/KSUvsAUB?src=hash">#KSUvsAUB</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/EMAW?src=hash">#EMAW</a> <a href="http://t.co/8eDlOweJf1">pic.twitter.com/8eDlOweJf1</a></p>&mdash; Kasey Dunlap (@kaialexandra17) <a href="https://twitter.com/kaialexandra17/status/512306851309187073">September 17, 2014</a></blockquote>

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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Auburn fans are a joke. Go &quot;kiss&quot; your cousin or something. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/EMAW?src=hash">#EMAW</a></p>&mdash; Armani Urquilla-Sosa (@armani_sosa) <a href="https://twitter.com/armani_sosa/status/512339979989561344">September 17, 2014</a></blockquote>

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Okay, first of all, everyone knows that fortune cookies come from two giant buckets in the back of the restaurant: "Stay With Your Wife," and "Leave Your Wife." Second, this poor fella named "sosa" does realize that there is a difference between Auburn and the un-branching family tree of fans that is Alabama, right? I mean, this is common worldly knowledge, right? Am I going crazy? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills over here!

And what in the world is #EMAW? Is is like "Memaw"? That's basically what you're scribbling all over Twitter, K-State Nation. I can imagine your first Vine:

K-State fan: "#EMAW!!!"

Grandmother in other room: "Whaaaa?"

K-State fan: "No, #EMAW, Memaw!"

Grandmother in other room who we now know as "Memaw": "WHAAAATTTTTTT? WHAAATTT IS IT???"

(this ensues past the Vine time limit into a large family feud that gets two uncles and a step-dad involved)

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Coworker got the greatest K-State tshirt I have ever seen <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/emaw?src=hash">#emaw</a> <a href="http://t.co/0jLreCAY6P">http://t.co/0jLreCAY6P</a></p>&mdash; Joe Fenton (@a_cup_o_joe) <a href="https://twitter.com/a_cup_o_joe/status/512276992725909505">September 17, 2014</a></blockquote>

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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>All in favor of going to pop the giant tiger in the middle of the auburn RVs? <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/EMAW?src=hash">#EMAW</a></p>&mdash; Kelly Thomson (@kellymae_03) <a href="https://twitter.com/kellymae_03/status/512026585189593089">September 16, 2014</a></blockquote>

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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" lang="en"><p>We&#39;ve got a paw on the Flaw on the Kaw. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/EMAW?src=hash">#EMAW</a> “<a href="https://twitter.com/ESPNCFB">@ESPNCFB</a>: You don&#39;t own me!Coaches&#39; dominance over particular teams » <a href="http://t.co/GuUX9lxT0H">pic.twitter.com/GuUX9lxT0H</a>”</p>&mdash; Fake Willie Wildcat (@FakeWillie) <a href="https://twitter.com/FakeWillie/status/512061774888456193">September 17, 2014</a></blockquote>

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I...I just...I don't have any idea what to say about that last one. "We are all dumber..."

K-State fans. Work on your hate talk. Insult our fambleh. Call Cam Newton dirty. Talk about how we pay all of our players. Tell me I went to a Cow College. Just, like, for goodness sakes, up your hate talk game. Observe:

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Kansas State fan getting on this flight from Dallas to KC just told me we aren&#39;t friends. Well she made it easy, didn&#39;t she? <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/auburn?src=hash">#auburn</a></p>&mdash; WarBlogle.com (@WarBlogle) <a href="https://twitter.com/WarBlogle/status/512390192565858305">September 17, 2014</a></blockquote>

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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>Kansas State Twitter. It&#39;s just FSU Twitter with no purpose.</p>&mdash; AuburnChopper (@AuburnChopper) <a href="https://twitter.com/AuburnChopper/status/512359600964653056">September 17, 2014</a></blockquote>

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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>What sent me over the edge? Getting convinced that Snyder can pull some Miles-level voodoo w/a roster full of hobos.</p>&mdash; BH (@6pintsofkramer) <a href="https://twitter.com/6pintsofkramer/status/512246946028060672">September 17, 2014</a></blockquote>

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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p>DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU</p>&mdash; Dave (@grantbland) <a href="https://twitter.com/grantbland/status/505818091578998784">August 30, 2014</a></blockquote>

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Okay, that last one just needed to be said regardless of who we're playing. Sorry.

Advantage: Auburn

2. Mascots

As if I would blaspheme and claim that any other mascot could hold a candle to Aubie...

But seriously, you guys. We're dealing with another predatory cat here, so it's probably a fair competition. However, I've never been shy about expressing how weird it is to me when teams combine human and animal features in an irreversible way (see Georgia's steroid-shooting dog mascot...how does that work again?).

Enter Kansas State's own Willie the Wildcat. What we have here is a guy who could, arguably, be a second-string cornerback for any B1G team judging from his biceps, yet he chooses to go full-Corso and wear a mascot head that seems to be the offspring of Jaws II and my neighbor's three-legged cat, Limpy. Weird.

Aubie will never lose this contest, but especially not against some cat-man, man-kitten, boy-feline muscle-buff-body named WILLIE.

Advantage: Auburn

3. Famous People

Yeah, look. They've got Eric Stonestreet. He's one of the funniest actors on television. Modern Family is genius. Unless Charles Barkley gets back into acting to finish what he started with Space Jam (but only the scenes where he a) gets told off by the street-court kids as a "Wanna-be," and b) tells the therapist that he'll never date Madonna again), they'll hold that over our heads, and I'll gladly concede that. Dude's hilarious.

Advantage: Kansas State

4. Coaching

Geez, can we stop with the Snyder memes? PLEASE? The guy may be a "wizard" just because he looks old, but we have football Gandalf...if he were like, a thousand years younger and wore glasses and had better hair and looked damn good in a sweater vest all year long...

I mean, seriously, folks. All Gus does in his free time is watch film. That's it. Einstein's Theory of Relativity? CHILD'S PLAY. Gus creates every possible alternate reality for his offense, and then finds ways to screw it up in his head just so he can adapt and come up with a BETTER alternate reality for his offense...er, something like that.

Look, are you really worried about some old guy who should be the greeter at WalMart or could be mistaken for your elderly mailman or the guy at Golden Corral who serves the steak and lobster? Maybe.

Fair enough, but this is also no contest.

Advantage: Auburn (but not by much, according to Twitter)

5. Talent

Is there any scenario in which Auburn doesn't at least match Kansas State position by position? If you're at all worried about our defense (especially with the recent news about losing Jermaine Whitehead due to a violation of team rules), take comfort and remember that our offense can match this team (and most teams) point for point. Look, Gus gets us to 30 points, and we're winning this game. In fact, in preparation for tomorrow night, I want you to take a 5-minute break every hour on the hour and repeat this phrase out loud or in your head:

"In Gus we trust. Our offense won't be a bust. Beat Kansas State, we must. Wildcats, eat our dust."

This game depends on three things in my mind:

a) Nick Marshall's confidence

b) Turnover margin

c) Momentum/scoring early and often

Whether or not you think Nick Marshall is struggling so far this season, tomorrow night is his chance to prove to the world that he's back, and that he's for real. Sure, we already know this as fans, but I'll be honest: I don't think I've seen the real Nick Marshall yet. Tomorrow night, we're going to see it. Sammie Coates is back, and he's got to step up and make plays to help Nick out like last year. Nick needs this. We should expect it. Look for an early hookup in the first quarter for a score worthy of slamming whatever bottle of suds you have in your hand.

We CANNOT turn the ball over. Period. Nick's and Roc's fumbles two weeks ago were mistakes we could afford to make and get out of our system in that game over a team that didn't really pose a threat. This team will not be as forgiving...no matter who's turning the ball over.

Finally, Auburn needs to score on the opening drive. Hands down. And then do it again. And again, and again, and again until the cows come home. I hope Gus runs that score up until the scoreboard bleeds purple. This ain't Tuberville's offense...

Auburn comes out on the positive end of these three things, and we come out of Manhattan with a season-defining win that shuts the mouths of Jesse ("Well, first of all, I think Kansas State was way overrated to begin with..."), Greg ("SEC quarterback of the week goes to Jake Waters."), and Mark May ("No Lou you get NO oxygen I'm taking all of it in this one breath and there's nothing you can do about it Ohio State /INHALES....").

In Gus we trust. There's no reason not to expect victory as an Auburn fan. None of this "I believe" garbage. You should expect Auburn to compete every year, in every game, in every situation, and come out on top.

And at the risk of contradicting the Barning I've just done, my score prediction is Auburn 31, Kansas State 30, with Auburn winning on a last-minute field goal by Daniel Carlson, who becomes the hero Bama's kickers dream daily of becoming. A hero the likes of which we haven't seen since Wes Byrum beat Urban Meyer twice (bless his sweet little heart...ah, yikes...heart jokes...sorry). I don't care how we beat this team. A win is a win, Jesse Palmer logic be damned.

Advantage: Auburn

Final Tally: Auburn 4, Kansas State, 1

Opposing Team/Coach/Fans Hate Index: 9.7/10

Score Prediction: Auburn 31 - Kansas State 30

Because where there's a wizard like Bill Snyder throwin' 50 shades of smoke, there's fire, and I'll fire these hot takes until the cows come home. DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BARN! WAR DAMN EAGLE!