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Auburn's Defense Takes Off the Glasses, Gets a Makeover, and Is Hot!

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Or, Pygmalion in a Poke No More, It's All That

Jamie Squire

OK, I realize that people are concerned about the offense and the national media thought Auburn looked vulnerable or mortal but as a guy who spends more time than he should writing about the Auburn defense, I had a great time watching the game last night.  Auburn's defense changed from a minimalist, dowdy, also-mention of the Auburn offense into a swan.  In my mind, it looked like every bad teen makeover movie ever made.

[Scene, Tuco's House, Tuco Sits on aging leather sofa under autographed picture of Pat Dye, shrimp po-boy on a plate and Good People Brown in a can preparing for the Auburn game muttering]

"Well let's see what the Auburn defense has in store for us tonight.  Auburn's silly, frumpy defense."

"Time to watch Ellis jimmy something up with duct tape and bailing wire against a pretty decent KState Offense.  Nobody in the SEC respects our defense."

"We hardly ever blitz.  Our coverage is thinly disguised. Ellis used to be sexy.  I remember his defenses at Alabama in the 90s.  Those were hot. I remember what he did at South Carolina too.  Cutting edge stuff.  Did Southern Miss break him?  Are our players not as good as they should be?  Are they just not catching on?  Why are we always in base defenses and coverages playing technically sound but boring football?"

"If I use the word minimalist to describe our defense on College and Mag, will that make it sound sexier?  Like it's an artistic choice and not just a band aid?  Worked for Nelly once.  Nah, minimalism is that wing in the museum where three pretentious people stare at a blue canvas talking about how bold and original it is while the rest of the people crowd around the Mona Lisa."

"Meanwhile stupid sexy WarRoomEagle and his stupid sexy gifs gets to talk about Gus all day.  Window dressing, window dressing.  I'd kill for some window dressing.  Nope, it's time to sit back and wait for the worst moment of the night.  The moment that will have all the Barners on the ledge so I can explain what went wrong next week."

[Auburn shows exotic formations and blitzes]

"Wait, what was that? Do we have seven players threatening to blitz?  Well, some of them dropped back into coverage but that was an odd bluff for a normal down."

"That's no 4-2-5.  That's no 4-2-5 at all!"

"How many people are we sending?!!!??? Who's left to cover? Easy Ellis, we don't have help back there.  Jermaine Whitehead is at home."

"Was that a zone blitz?  Did I just see Montravious Adams drop back into zone?"

"Trovon Reed out of nowhere against a really good athlete!  I thought he swapped to defense because he had no hands.  What's happening out there?"

[Tuco turns and looks, his jaw drops]

We just managed to hold Kansas State's offense to 14 points and look interesting while doing it in a Thursday night road game? Auburn's defense may be Auburn's defense again y'all!