TAKES. 3rd Edition, Vol. 2

I went to Washington D.C. this weekend to do some advance press on a show coming to Birmingham in October. For my third job. And it was a blast. And I lost my iPhone on the flight back from BWI. And I didn't watch the game live, but I actually watched the tape! But still, how many takes can you have after a beating of San Jose State? I'll try, but I'll be brief [brief for me is still, like, 500 words, so a decent trip to the water closet].

1. Quarterbacks! Auburn played three. For 1/6 of the season, Auburn has had the LUXURY of playing THREE quarterbacks. And people are still trying to figure out things to worry about? When you're great, you get to see the second string quarterback, like, three times in a season. Auburn has played two games and seen the THIRD string quarterback twice. So, yeah, the Nick Marshall fumble on the first drive sucked and Auburn had to punt twice, but get over yourselves. Maybe it's reached this ironic level of boring. Maybe when I was giving Alabama grief two years ago for handling opponents with ease, this is what I was talking about. But Barners are gonna Barn, y'all. Tbqh, barning may be the opposite of gumping. But we'll figure that out as we go.

2. Will they go for it? There was a point, I think, with 12 minutes left in the half when color commentator Brian Griese said, "Should [San Jose State] go for it? I think so. I mean, Auburn's gonna score." And really, isn't that all that needs to be said about this game and about this team? It was 14-7 with 42 minutes remaining in the game. "Auburn's gonna score." YEP. And again. So yeah, you go for it there. You can't play for field goals against Auburn unless you are about one of ten teams in America. And I'm being generous.

The worst plays that I have seen this offense run still gain a yard. Your defense isn't going to beat Auburn. Figure something else out.

3. Jermaine Whitehead. Is a man. I never knew he would become one of my favorite players, but here we are.

4. 2004. So happy. I'm so happy that team was recognized and I'm so happy that Tommy Tuberville could be a part of it. Shug Jordan taught us what it meant to be Auburn men and women. Pat Dye taught us that we didn't have to play second fiddle to Alabama. And Thomas Hawley Tuberville taught us that we could compete for national championships. "We're gonna get it done and we ARE gonna win the national championship, you can write that," he said after JetGate. And by God, he did everything he could within twelve months. That man sold his program, he loved Auburn and he gave me one of the most memorable seasons ever. Thanks for that Sugar Bowl, thanks for six in a row and thanks for acting like a regular dude when you brought Tucker into Hastings for Pokemon card tournaments. If I live to be a million, I'll never admire two bros much more than Coach Dye and Coach Tuberville.

5. ATTACK OF THE WILDCATS! Bill Snyder is coachin' em up! Get ready! He's really old! Kansas State has been pretty okay before! It's a Thursday!

Gus Malzahn has never given you a reason to believe that you will lose a game that you're supposed to win. Maybe my main man Tommy did, but not Gus. I mean, damn, he's lost two games ever. He's covered the spread, like, fourteen weeks in a row. Maybe he messes all of that up at some point, but for now, I'm going to base my concern on track record and not sweat too many pounds over a Kansas State team that I know no one on. If y'all just want water cooler conversation, be my guest. But let me also offer: "this weather we're havin," "big plans for the weekend" and "how timmy did in band." Maybe be like, "How many days til football?" If you need generic conversation, idk, maybe just tell your coworkers about how ten years ago we had bob hope, steve jobs and johnny cash and now, ten years later, we have no hope, no jobs and no cash. Then shock them by saying, "I hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die!" They'll laugh and laugh.

Or just tell them how bill snyder really knows how to coach em up. But the hope jobs cash thing will get way more laughs from your coworkers. That joke is classic as hell.