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OCTOBER!
ROCTOBER!
LEAVES!
BOOTS!
CHILI!
HALLOWEEN!
YOGA PANTS!
FLANNEL!
and oh yeah...
PUMMMMMPKINNNNNNNNNN SPIIIIIIIIIIIICE Y'ALLLLLLLLLLL
Here are some more fall favorites for October:
@bobby_barkley 1) Conference games 2) no more back sweat 3) cheap candy 4) mosquitoes finally die 5) no more back sweat
— Ryan Sterritt (@RyanSSterritt) October 1, 2015
Oh my gosh, THE BACK SWEAT. GONE. This is a man's list, right here.
@bobby_barkley 1. Bonfires 2. Vest weather 3. Not sweating before games/tailgating 4. Chili/taco soup 5. Thick socks
— Robby Hale (@robbyhale21) October 1, 2015
AGAIN WITH THE NO MORE SWEATING. These guys just get it.
@bobby_barkley pic.twitter.com/1Dcv7Mpr2v
— DM (@dmiller1856) October 1, 2015
Oh yeah, this is great, too, except HEY WAIT A MINUTE. YOU DON'T BARVE?
It's October, which means it's finally and truly fall, which means it's time for pumpkin spice everything. I mean, hey, nothing is sacred in this country anymore. Let's just add pumpkin spice to our sunscreen, our motor oil, our tax code, your chinchilla vests, Axe body spray (AJ McCarron would jump all over that, unless they sold it at Kroger), EVERYTHING.
Hold on a second. Has anyone actually eaten the inside of a real dead gum pumpkin before? Have you seen what comes out of those things? Have you spent a significant amount of time the week before Halloween cleaning off that dried pumpkin goo from under your freshly 'cured fingernails?
HOW THE HELL DO THEY TAKE AN ORANGE MUCOUSY GOURD AND TURN YOU SO BASIC, AMERICA?
(For what it's worth, you'll still never be as basic as Jesse Palmer...that skinny tie wearing hyperbolic Canadian candy wrapper OH, HE IS SO BASIC.)
I'm not convinced that a fruit/vegetable/backwoods soccer ball with more seeds than March Madness and more gross sticky goo than the inside of an hippopotamus' nose can possibly be so irresistible this time of year as to turn every other female that I once knew as kind and gentle and volunteering at animal shelters on Wednesdays into the ravenous, Venti-crazed, autumn Amazons who will throw five dollars on the counter for the glory of having their name mispronounced out loud WITHOUT BREAKING A SWEATTTT
/INNNNNHAAALLLESSSSS
Sorry. Went all Mark May again and sucked all the oxygen out of the room.
But seriously, wait a minute. How many ways are there to spell Ashley/eigh/ie/ee/eyegih? Starbucks needs to get ahead of the curve and just manufacture those five-dollar ozone-killing cylinders with predetermined name spellings straight from the factory. You're welcome, board of directors.
And again, so seriously, wait another minute. Wouldn't Verne Lundquist make the perfect barista? When's the last time he got anybody's name right? He would look so dainty in a green apron, too. /sigh...
Anyway, that's enough ranting and gourd-shaming. I'm a man of action, and I say we can do better. We're hosting San Jose State this weekend, after all, and for Homecoming week, no less. Isn't it time we came together and tried to make things a little sweeter for a team that basically has to relive The Oregon Trail just to come down here and pretend to keep the game close for two quarters? (I say this, of course, sarcastically, because the Barn, as you know, is still burning..."we're just not a very good football team," don't ya know?)
So let's take some of the greatest parts of San Jose and stir in some silky smooth Spartaneity (I'm so sorry) for this weekend's festivities.
The Smoking Barn presents...
"The San Jose Statebucks Spartumpkin Spice Secret Menu"
(brought to you by Jesse Palmer's Closet: where regular-width ties go to die)
1. The Joey Chestnut Pumpkin Spice Latte
Hey, you know, the hot dog guy? Did you know he's from San Jose? "No way," you say?
Ahem, sorry.
Joey Chestnut has won, like, SO many hotdog eating contests over the years (#blessed). Why not give him first crack at spicing up an already pumpkin spicy latte? But be careful, y'all. As soon as you order it, you have all of 2 seconds to drink it down before it gets cold, and it's going to taste so good coming back up.
You know, hurrying up to eat is never a good practice, but hurry-up offense is always proper in October. We've got this kid Sean White at the helm now, and this Saturday, he's got every chance to ball out and turn this thing around. Now, if Gustav will stop getting cute on odd-numbered downs and in the entire third quarter, maybe we can hang 35+ points on the Spartans.
Geez, Joey Chestnut is such a better fake name than Joey Freshwater, Lane. Take note, son.
Price: $4.87 + heartburn + so many regrets
2. The Dustin Diamond Pumpkin Spice Cookies
You know...Screech? The guy who played Screech on Saved By the Bell and who also stabbed someone? I think? Also from San Jose.
Speaking of violent piercing, it'd be nice if Auburn's running attack could gash San Jose State's defense for, like, a thousand yards Saturday. If Peyton Barber would just do more of this:
and less of this:
If that were the case, then Peyton Barber and Kerryon Johnson might have a longer run than Dustin Diamond ever did on television.
We're sorry, Dustin, but that's how the cookie crumbles. Please don't stab us.
Price: $1.59 each or three for $3.50 + a bit of your soul + four months of jail time (mention "Zoinks" or "Hey, hey, hey, HEY, HEY!" at the counter for a 5% discount)
3. The "It's not you, it's me" Pumpkin Spice Mocha Java Latte Espresso Shot
Okay, clearly by now, you realize that I don't drink coffee, so I'm just making stuff up now...kind of like Lane Kiffin and names on the Internet and smart phones and such.
So, apparently, San Jose is one of the worst cities in which to try to date.
No, really. Look it up.
And how fitting, really, because if you ever try to get in between a girl (or guy! or guy! We're not spice-shaming in this great country, Joe Biden, don't worry!) and her (OR HIS! IT'S OKAY!) pumpkin spice, you deserve to be swiped to the left, to the left, everything you own in a suspicious memory database to the left. Oh, and also, everyone in San Jose is trying to invent an app that alerts you whenever pizza face Jacob Coker is too close or breathing the same air within a 3-foot radius of any woman ever, so thank goodness for technology and capitalism and seriously, Jake...you haven't even thought about calling that number for Proactiv yet?
How fitting, also, that Auburn fans are so funny and fickle! I mean, first, we love Jeremy Johnson. Then, we kinda don't wanna see Jeremy Johnson anymore. Then we love Sean White. And then let's just see where this goes, because we kinda just want some space, Sean White. But now, see, we don't have any plans for Saturday, and we NEED you, Sean White, but not that much.
Oh, and we're kind of seeing Peyton Barber, but Kerryon Johnson is our side, and Duke Williams texted us earlier...we miss him. But oh, heyyyyy, Stanton Truitt eyeing us from across the bar...UGH, Carl Lawson is just, like, playing hard to get, and it's really bumming me out.
Sigh, love is so complicated in the city of perpetual screen-gazing...or the Loveliest Village of Instant Gratification.
Price: A below-the-belt valuation from your rival startup company in Silicon Valley, plus tax
4. The San Jose Shark Pumpkin Spice Muffin
Baby shark, doo, doo doo, doo doo, doo-doo
Baby shark, doo, doo doo, doo doo, doo-doo
Baby shark, doo, doo doo, doo doo, doo-doo
Baby shark, doo, doo doo, doo doo, doo-doo
Oh, you like hockey, and you're not a fan of the Red Wings, Blackhawks, Lightning, Predators, Avalanche, Bruins, or Penguins?
Well then, hey. You can be our friend, honest-about-your-allegiance and self-admitting hockey fan.
And we totally won't judge you for this muffin you're eating at 4:30 in the afternoon.
Hey, Shark Eyes...Dhaquille. Will you be our friend again? Can we set you up with Sean White for so many touchdowns and thousands of yards? Please make this happen around 3:02 on Saturday so that we can Netflix and chill Saturday night (JUST FRIENDS, OKAY?!?!).
Price: $1.50 and two touchdowns Saturday, please?
5. The Rear Axle Pumpkin Spice Coffee Cake
San Jose is apparently also one of the more bike-friendly cities IN THE COUNTRY, YES THAT'S RIGHT, JESSE PALMER.
Oh wow, a sport where I endanger my life and the lives of everyone on the road at all times, AND I get to wear spandex? What a wonderful time to be alive!
I can't think of an easier, more environmentally conscious way to slip someone's technicolored, saran-wrapped body into a coffin when they're horribly mangled from cycling into a four-way intersection for their health, or a more fashionable set of undergarments to wear under your new Wal-Mart threads when you undoubtedly lose the lawsuit brought to you by a guy who just wanted to get to work on time in a Buick, gee whiz, MOVE OVER, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS "LEFT ARM OVER MY HEAD" SIGNAL BULL CRAP IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN, YOU HIPPIE!!!
The only thing more dangerous, more speedy, and certainly more practical than a guy on two wheels keeping you from a promotion at Deloitte is none other than Marcus Davis, punt return specialist/advisor. I'm telling you...it's not going to be long before this kid breaks out a big return and gets Jordan-Hare rocking harder than Lane Kiffin's boat at the North River Yacht Club that he uses on weekends as a member THAT IS TOTALLY A REAL PART OF HIS COACHING PERKS AT ALABAMA. YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS UP. LOOK IT UP ON THE INTERNET OR AL.COM'S ARCHIVES/ACCOUNTS PAYABLE.
Price: $250,000, plus Alexander Shunnarah's legal fees, community service, and a four-hour driving school course sanctioned by the government (don't worry...there's a vending machine in the back of the courthouse, but there's only one bag of Reese's Pieces left)
Auburn has every opportunity to drink deep of a bountiful, sensational offense on Saturday, warm fuzzies included. It's homecoming week, and for the first time this season (maybe ever as a fan), I have a set of expectations for this team and this game, and if they're not met, I will be upset.
Now for the last time, IT'S A-U-B-U-R-N, BARISTA. SPELL IT RIGHT.
Winner: Auburn
My Pumpkin Spice preference: Whatever gets me a date with Selena Roberts
Opposing Team/Coach/Fanbase Hate Index: 2.3/10 (but ask me again if we're losing at halftime)
Score Prediction: Auburn 38, San Jose State 24
Because where there's smoke, there's fire and spice and everything nice, and I'll fire up the spice in your latte until the cows come home, baby!
DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BARN. WAR DAMN EAGLE.