Rivalry Trophies are fun. There's something super awesome about players holding up some unique and odd piece of brass, wood, or bits of broken chairs after a win. Auburn doesn't really have any rivalry trophies. Sure, they play Alabama for the ODK-Foy Sportsmanship Trophy. However, that's only given out at a basketball game and even then it just serves a reason to get people to those games and to have one another's fan bases complain when the losing SGA President doesn't sing.
So, without further ado. Here are my suggestions for some new rivalry trophies and a little explanation behind them.
Alabama: "The Buffalo Blue Thickburger"
This trophy honors famous Auburn graduate turned Ms. QB McChestTat, Katharine Webb. It is an old Hardee's Buffalo Blue Thickburger topped with a Miss Alabama Tiara. It honors Mrs. McCarron's highest post-Iron Bowl fame. A commercial for Hardee's that made me inexplicably buy that piece of garbage meat slathered in Frank's Red Hot. If she's not too busy complaining about her husband's penis appearing on TV then Mrs. McCarron may present the trophy herself.
Georgia: "The Jug of Chattahoochee River"
Ah, the Chattahoochee River, that magical body of water that serves as a Natural Border between our Lottery Loving neighbors to the East. It keeps all the hard-working. honest, and good people of Phenix City out of the hotbed of sin in Columbus. It serves as a reminder that I'm that close to getting cheap booze (and serves to remind Georgia residents that they are this close to cheap fireworks). We honor, thee, disgusting river of sadness, with this rivalry trophy for the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry.
Arkansas: "The War Eagle Mill"
This one was tough. I could have made a BERT joke. I could have made a joke about the GUS/BERT "rivalry". Instead, we'll just have a trophy named for an odd place of map trivia outside of Benton, Arkansas. The War Eagle Mill is a real place and the winner of the Arkansas game will take ownership of this historic site for a year. War Eagle, Arkansas is also the name of a moderately entertaining movie. It's the kind of movie your mom stumbles upon on the Hallmark Channel on a Sunday afternoon.
Florida: "The Uncolored Coloring Book"
Honoring one of Steve Spurrier's best (and possibly apocryphal) quotes. Spurrier was told about a fire at Auburn's dorms that destroyed 20 books. His response "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.". So, we honor you Darth Visor with this Coloring Book that we saved from the RBD. It's in good shape. We've only started on the outlines so technically it is still uncolored. Enjoy.
LSU: "The Golden Corndog"
Easy joke is easy. Easy joke is made even easier when you realize that an Auburn fan has been attributed in starting the near infamous College Football joke.
Mississippi State: "The Golden Cassette Tape"
We found the fabled cassette tape that Kenny Rogers said he had that would prove once and for all that Cam Newton was shopped. It would burn Auburn. It would bury Newton. It would make Mississippi State National Champions in a sport. None of these things have happened to this date.
Mizzou: "Tre Mason's Baby Shoe"
There's not much history between the two schools and really, the only thing I can think of when I think of Mizzou (besides being the ultimate "Hmm. Good for You." school. Is that Tre Mason decided to make the team his Heisman Highlight Reel. We honor the Columbia Tigers with Mason's baby shoe. Since he is Peggy's "Child". Then I thought it would only be fitting.
Ole Miss: "The Pine Box"
There's not much here to hate between the two schools. I mean, to me, Ole Miss and Auburn fans don't really have a hatred for one another. We both have other schools that take up most of our hate-o-meters on a consistent basis. Still, there is a bad blood when it comes to former Ole Miss Coach turned Auburn Coach turned Auburn Quarterback's Dad Tommy Tuberville. Who famously told Ole Miss fans that he wasn't leaving Ole Miss and that if he was that "They'll have to carry me out of here in a pine box." Well, here is that box.
South Carolina: "Darius Rucker"
Again, not much to this rivalry. Not much to the hate here. The only thing I could think of was that the winner gets Darius Rucker for a year. Auburn has no real claim to the former Hootie. However, we will gladly take him and lock him way in Haley Center so that he is no longer able to play "Wagon Wheel" if we win.
Texas A&M: "The Horse Collar"
You want to know a school that holds grudges? The Aggies. Even when one of the best SBNation Blogs tells their fanbase to get over it, some Aggie fans hear Auburn and immediately think "Horse Collar". It's the same way LSU fans think "chop-blockin-cheaters" whenever you mention Auburn's offensive line. There are just some things that, for good or for bad, are going to be ingrained in the rivalry between schools. We can tell people that the Horse Collar honors the Equestrian programs at both schools, but we know what it really refers to (/wink).
Tennessee: "The Biggest Rival"
Alabama fans like to make fun of Auburn and say that the Vols and not Auburn are Alabama's "Biggest Rival". It's a pointless debate. It's like asking someone what the best chicken finger place in Auburn is. Newsflash. They are all the same and it's all the same damn chicken that comes from Wood Fruitticher or Sysco. So, because Auburn and Tennessee probably aren't going to play one another in a while and because only Alabama fans seem to care who their "Biggest Rival" is; the winner of this game will "win" a Golden Elephant trophy that they will then promptly give to BamaHammer or RollTide Weekly or Capstone Report or who ever really gives a shit about who Alabama's biggest rival is.
Vanderbilt: "Dan Murphy's Teeth"
Poor Dan Murphy. The walk-on Tight End at the Harvard of the South (or is that Ole Miss? I get those confused) who was just minding his own business and doing God's work setting up the wedge on a Vanderbilt kick-return. Little did he know that Auburn would have a tractor disguised as a running back that was so buried on the depth chart that the Tigers stuck him as the wedge buster. Well, bust that wedge he did and became the only memory of an otherwise wasted time at Auburn. The trophy for Vandy vs Auburn commemorates this moment in Tiger lore.
Georgia Tech: "A Used TI-82 Graphing Calculator"
What better way to honor these two fine engineering schools but with the magical piece of equipment that allowed Liberal Arts Majors like me to attend and pass a math class. When not playing Snake, Drug Wars, or other games that were not actual math problems, the TI-82 was a miracle of the pre-iphone age. By the way you can still get a ton of games for your TI-82 if you have it laying around.
Any In-State School: "A Golden Paycheck"
Obviously this disregards Alabama. Still, if Auburn was to lose to any in-state school (Jacksonville State, Troy, Samford, Alabama State, Alabama A&M, South Alabama, maybe UAB in the future) then they may as well dip their paycheck for the game in gold because that win is going to be worth a hell of a lot more than the actual monetary value of the check. Seriously, Auburn if you are going to struggle with a rent-a-win game at least pick a school thousands of miles away so that I won't have to interact with the graduates of those schools in the sad instance that Auburn loses to them in football.
California: "Tony Franklin's Book Shelf"
Auburn and the Golden Bears are set to meet in 2020 and 2021. Former Auburn offensive coordinator Tony Franklin is currently the offensive coordinator for Cal. Sure, 5 years seems like more than enough time for Franklin to burn enough bridges in Berkeley to send him packing. So the trophy's original intent may not have the same luster. Still, when the game was announced, one of the first things Auburn fans thought of was sad Tony Franklin and his stack of books after he was fired. Guy didn't even have a Far Side book in the mix there. It really was sad. The books trophy honors both that moment and the stupid fact that Auburn was and is so football crazed that fans were buying Franklin's "System" book for stupid amounts when he was first hired.
Clemson: "Georgia Tech's Heisman Statue"
Auburn and IPTAY Tigers are set to play again next year. Meaning instead of a super-fun and unique matchup like Cal, or Kansas State, or hell, even Idaho; Auburn will once again play Clemson. We'll again be reminded about Clemson ending Auburn's last big extended winning streak. We'll be reminded about Dabo dancing. We'll be reminded that Clemson is just "Auburn with a Lake". We can't very well play for that lake (though that would be awesome). Instead, we'll play for a Heisman Statue. We don't really want to part with ours here in Auburn and I'm sure Clemson wouldn't want to give theirs up either. So, we'll just take Georgia Tech's. They really won't be using it. It's kind of halfway between both schools and we'll just put an Auburn sweater on it if we win. They worship Bobby Dodd more at Tech anyway.
So there are some ideas. Leave yours in the comments for other teams or if you have better ideas for the teams currently listed. War Eagle.