What a world we live in.
What a time to be alive.
What a great season for fake rivalries.
What a year for real trophies. Made up trophies. Participation trophies. Trophy wives. Trophy fish. TROPHIES EVERYWHERE, OH MY GOSH, SO MANY TROPHIES WHAT DOES THAT WORD EVEN MEAN ANYMORE AGGHHGH MY BRAIN!!!
2015 has certainly been the year of fake rivalries. On the one hand, you have a fanbase in the state of Alabama trying to convince itself that a team in a different state that they haven't lost to since Palm Pilots and AOL were still relevant is their biggest rival. There isn't a fart noise loud enough to demonstrate the humor and utter stupidity of that magical fantasy land those Houndstooth zealots live in.
On the other hand, you have a coach of a team who hasn't beaten the state of Alabama (I'm sorry, but Samford and UAB don't count because they're not in the SEC) since he joined said team in 2013, yet believes that an 0-2 record with one of those teams and an inexplicably bitter, one-sided feud with its head coach is enough of a fume to spark one of the SEC's biggest football rivalries.
In this situation, he would be perfectly capable of supplying the fart noise to symbolize how laughably stupid that notion is, because it would need to be a big one.
Here's the problem with both of these scenarios—a rivalry needs to be, oh, I don't know...competitive.
Bert, you've been in the SEC two years and change now, and apparently it's getting the best of you. Don't worry. Let this ol' Barner drag you right out of the same La-La Land in which people who genuinely and unironically wear Houndstooth (because they thought the Bear did) have lived for decades. There's no hope for them. There might be some for you yet.
The Smoking Barn presents...
Five Fake Things That Are More Genuinely Real than Bert's Fake Rivalry with Auburn
And just to remind Bert of where he stands, I'll remind him of the scores of the games against the two major teams in this state. Bless your little pork-belly heart, Bertram.
1. George Washington's teeth (2013: Alabama 52, Bert 0)
I'm not even sure if barbecue pork had been invented yet (and then subsequently been labeled sexist and too masculine and why is summertime so male-centric and unequal NNNYYEEAAAHHHH) in the late 1700's, but even if it did exist, it'd be hard to chomp down on that little piggy with the set of not-so-pearly whites that our nation's greatest President had bestowed upon him. While his teeth might not have actually been made of wood, you can use your imagination to guess what was really available to stick inside someone's mouth during that time.
Luckily for Bert, the act of shoveling food into one's mouth at a rapid pace doesn't even require teeth.
2. Every magazine cover shot of anyone ever (2013: Auburn 35, Bert 17)
Isn't Oprah like, 70 now?
The only exception to this rule is Kliff Kingsbury. You're welcome.
3. Manti Te'o's fake girlfriend that didn't actually exist at all in any reality whatsoever (2014: Auburn 45, Bert 21)
Did I mention that she's not even a real person?
By the way, besides the millions of dollars Bert gets paid to lose games to Alabama and Auburn every year, is there any aspect of that plump bundle of hyperbolic hot air that his wife genuinely finds appealing? Like, this is all a huge joke, right?
Gosh, "horns down" makes so much more sense to me now. It's a cry for help.
Again, did I mention that Manti Te'o's girlfriend was an ABSOLUTE HOAX?
4. "The moon landing was totally fake" conspiracy theories, and for that matter, anything that Alex Jones has ever produced...like, ever (2014: Alabama 14, Bert 13)
Actually, how fitting. This video sums up exactly what this state thinks of you and your annoying little fake rivalry buzzing, Bert (at the 1:20 mark):
You really oughta stop harrassing us, Bert. Are five punches right in the face not enough for you? TAKE THE HINT.
5. Kevin Scarbinsky (2015: Alabama 27, Bert 14)
Remember kids. If you're good this year, jolly ol' Scarbomb ($1 @grantbland) will fly to your house, pick the lock with his Alabama Media Group cafeteria card, and use Inception to enter your dreams and do that "If you're hand's bigger than your face, you have cancer" bit over and over again.
Wait, maybe that's if you're bad...
(RT for awareness)
You know what? I'm so sick and tired of this season anyway that I don't even care if you beat us this weekend, Bert. You know why? Because you'll still be one loss worse than us in this fake rivalry you've created for your delusional fan base. Oh, hey, another fun fact? The combined point total for both games you've lost to us probably isn't even half of your body weight, so remember that when you try to tap dance around one of our players trying to draw a (yep, FAKE) penalty. That might've worked against the Tide, but even with home cooking this weekend, you ought not to try your luck.
GAH, Bert. You really are the worst. You're just a big ol' whiny wet blanket that doesn't know how to beat SEC teams in the state of Alabama. I hope Gus puts a thousand points on your ginormous backside.
Opposing Team/Coach/Fanbase Hate Index: 9.7/10
Score Prediction: Auburn 27, Bert 21
Because where there's smoke, there's Bert trying to legitimize a rivalry that doesn't exist anywhere outside his big ol' melon head full of hot air and pork fat, and I'll fire up some genuinely hot controversial statements until the cows come home, baby.
DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BARN. WAR DAMN EAGLE.