It's time to reach into Gus Malzahn's (happy birthday, Gustav!) bag o' tricks (that gimmicky high school offense, PAWWWLLLL) and bring home some treats on Saturday. We're talking 400+ yards of offense, forced turnovers on defense, and sexy special teams. And hey, we're striping Jordan-Hare! How festive!
So grab your candy bucket or your recycled Whole Foods burlap bag or your pillow case (that just seems like lazy parenting), kids. It's time to make this the best Halloween ever, even though the scary part is how many Bammers will be pulling for us to win in order to give them hope in the West. Football is weird sometimes. Thank goodness we're not Bama's biggest rival, or else this would be super awkward.
Hope you don't get a bag full of rocks!
The Smoking Barn presents...
Trick or Treat, Ole Miss Defeat
Wait, seriously. Whose idea was the pillow case, anyway? You're gonna wash that thing afterwards, right?
1. Sean White - Kit Kat Bar
Crispy passes covered in smooth chocolate pocket presence. And why anyone would reject a Kit Kat is a damn mystery, but for some reason, none of our receivers wanted anything to do with breaking off a piece of hundreds of potential passing yards from the Fantastic Freshman last week.
Sean White is best enjoyed when staying cool in the pocket. Likewise, don't let your Kit Kats melt in your backpack on Monday at school.
2. Hugh Freeze - Hershey Bar with Almonds
I really wish we'd done this with Mississippi State, because Dan Mullen as Circus Peanuts would've been #soblessed.
But nah, Hugh Freeze is a mainstay. You know, the guy just doesn't really bother anyone (unless you're allergic to chocolate or nice people or something, in which case I pity your existence and ask you to consider, I don't know, MANNING UP). I mean, really, though. Does anyone dislike Hugh Freeze? Like, enough to suddenly reveal that his starting quarterback had some questionable grades at his previous school (yep, that's still on you, Mullen clan)?
He's just a nice guy. That's nice.
Except it's not nice, Hugh. Chocolate is so good by itself. It's like beating Alabama at Bryant-Denny. But then you have to ruin it and throw in almonds aka lose to Florida and Memphis and now we've got a candy bar that only 26% of America and your parents genuinely enjoy. Not sweet.
3. Gus Malzahn - Tootsie Pop
There are four stages of a Tootsie Pop: the initial candy layer lick stage, the pre-candy-layer-crunch to the center lick stage, the center crunch tootsie roll stage, and the "thank goodness I'm done eating that" stage.
What a coincidence! Auburn football (usually) has four quarters!
Gosh, you know, excluding last week's third-quarter touchdown drive against Arkansas, Gus' third quarters do seem kinda like that center tootsie roll crunch stage. It's the kind of situation where people start doubting and ask themselves, "I mean, are Tootsie Rolls even any good? Is this worth it? It's not even really chocolate/Tommy Tuberville...why do I torture myself with this every Halloween? Like, this tasted good a few minutes ago, and now I'm chewing through some kind of half-chocolate sticky tack?"
Hopefully Gustav will get the wheels on the bus rolling again this Saturday against Ole Miss, because let's face it—Blow-Pops are so much better.
4. Auburn Defense - Everlasting Gobstoppers
Sometimes you land on a tasty flavor, but really it just...it never ends. My gosh, they just stay on the field changing formations and missing tackles and getting burned in the trenches. And if you try to bite too early, oh shoot, there goes a Kentucky running back for 1000 yards, and congratulations, you now have a cracked filling.
Three-and-out is best. Going to the dentist is worse than going to work.
5. Robert Nkemdiche - Butterfinger
Sometimes Butterfinger plays defensive end, but then sometimes he plays running back, and at other times, he's a slot receiver, and hey, Bama might need a kicker soon...does Butterfinger kick, too?
6. Peyton Barber - Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
Because Peyton is the real deal, and Reese's is better than Butterfinger. I'm sorry. Just smooth, rich goodness hitting you POW! RIGHT IN THE MOUTH FOR 300 YARDS AND 18 TOUCHDOWNS, EUREKA!
Their slogan used to be, "There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's." Well it's pretty clear that there's no wrong way to run Peyton up the middle at the goal line...as long as he follows his blockers.
7. Laquon Treadwell - Three Musketeers Minis
Gosh, they're so light that they can't be filling, right? Then all of a sudden you've eaten like 20 in a row, aka given up consecutive 10+ yards per catch and crap now he's scored two touchdowns and you need to get to the nearest bathroom.
8. Auburn CFB Twitter - Sour Warheads/Sour Patch Kids/Sweet Tarts
Sour, then sweet...kinda? Basically, anything that starts out "We're not a very good football team" and still ends with "It's great to be an Auburn Tiger," or something. Sigh...you're always changing, but we'll let you stay, as in we'll keep all of the black cherry-flavored Warheads and trade the lemon-flavored ones to Melvin at school for his White Mystery Airhead.
9. The Entire SEC Network Football Commentary Roster - Two Yellow Starbursts in the Same Pack
HOW IS THERE NOT A SINGLE PINK STARBURST IN THIS ENTIRE BAG OF CANDY. NOBODY IS MEANT TO HAVE THIS MANY MATT STINCHCOMBS/ANDRE WARES.
10. SEC Officials - Dots/Bit-O-Honey/Nickels/Pencils
I'm sorry, there's been a mistake, ma'am. None of this is edible.
Basically anything that gets put in your bucket that's guaranteed to break every tooth in your mouth without even the satisfaction of it being delicious. Also, it's totally not fair that your neighbor handed you a pamphlet on the environment because she gave all of the Sour Skittles to the other kids on your street.
Be sure to brush your teeth, fam! I'll see y'all on Sunday when all the candy is like, 90% off so that we can all eat our feelings together depending on the outcome.
Opposing Team/Coach/Fanbase Hate Index: 2.1/10
Score Prediction: Auburn 41 Ole Miss 35
Because where there's smoke, there's fire, and I'll fire up some scary ghost stories that I swear I didn't steal from Wright Thompson until the cows come home, baby.
DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BARN. WAR DAMN EAGLE.