The Smoking Barn 2.5 - Bye Week

There's no football this weekend.

Stop.

What you probably just read is that there's no football this weekend. This is not incorrect. The way I see it, the only football I care to watch is Auburn football. There isn't any Auburn football this weekend, so therefore, there's no football this weekend.

Ahem. Let me proceed.

...

...

Oh, okay, what? So you're telling me you're a FOOTBAW fan no matter what team is playing? You actually stay up and give a crap what happens in a PAC-12 game? Really? You care how normal Arkansas does? You get turned on by Butch Jones blowing a 13-point lead or watching perennial Heisman candidate and third or fourth in a long line of Bama running back flops Derrick Henry get stuffed time and time again in the red zone (seriously, it takes him like, maybe 2 or 3 tries to get in from the freakin' one-yard-line...so Heisman-like).

Or maybe you check to see if anyone's in the house, lock the door, and flip with a guilty conscience to the Florida State game with the Ohio State game on the "jump" button on your remote? That's not shady at all, right?

Or worse...

...you tune in to the postgame speech from...

...

...

DABO??????

Pfft (that's a fart noise). Auburn football is the only drug that makes me feel so nice for twenty minutes and then immediately sends me on a roller coaster of emotions and gives me sore thumbs from scrolling through Auburn CFB Twitter—which is, at best, a beautiful, swirling drunk vortex of angst and despair.

Sigh. It'll be a lonely weekend. So in case you can't feel your face without Duuu—ah, too soon. I apologize. That's still way tamer than my reaction to Hunter L. Johnson showing up on my timeline. And you do realize that since I don't follow the guy, or additionally, anybody associated with al,com (except for Wesley Sinor), Auburn fans who find ways to wear Houndstooth or say things like R*** T*** R***, beat writers, lepers, Mormons, avid cyclist groups, gurl-gurls who professionally attend weddings and candlelight ceremonies, and the like, that the only way I see such things IS BECAUSE YOU RETWEET THEM BECAUSE SOMEHOW IT'S OKAY TO RT SOMEONE LIKE THAT AS LONG AS YOU'RE DOING IT HATEFULLY OR IRONICALLY OH HAHAHA BUT GUESS WHAT YOU'RE STILL SUBJECTING THE REST OF US—

—NEWMAN!

(Ahem, sorry.)

Seriously, why do any of you actually follow Bammers on Twitter? You know that's not a law yet, right? They haven't ruled that mandatory in the Supreme Court of the United States yet, either. There's no executive order coming from Baracka Flacka Flame, folks. There's no lousy deal you have to abide by, OH COME ON, AMERICA!

Anyway, while you find something else to do with your hands while you decide which dumpster fire match-ups to witness on your TV this weekend, here's a little number I co-wrote with LeAnn Rimes to help you through the night.

The Smoking Barn presents...

"How Do I Live (without Auburn football)?"

Step One: Click here to open the music in a new tab or window.

***Step Two: Minimize the tab or window with the music in it so you won't be distracted by LeAnn Rimes' rhymes, then come back to this page. You just need the background music, famb.***

Step Three: Grab seven or eight cans of Busch Light (unless you're at work).

Step Four: Sing the words below from the heart (again, unless you're at work, in which case just plug in your earbuds and sing in your head).

Step Five: Find a room to in which to weep gently afterwards. The storage closet downstairs works great, or the supply room. Anywhere with a door that locks. Be sure to hug yourself.

VERSE 1

HOW DO I...

GET THROUGH ONE DAY WITHOUT YOU

EVEN WITH NO DUKE TO THROW TO

WHAT KIND OF LIFE WOULD THAT BE?

OH I....

I FEEL THE NEED TO BARN

WHEN THEY CALL A HOLD

TAKING YEARS OFF OF MY SOUL

WHEN WE BLOW A LEAD

BABY IT'S THE ONLY TIME I CAN FEEL

THE BARN IN MY LIFE

CHORUS

AND TELL ME NOW...

HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT YOU?

GUS WANTS TO THROW

HOW DO I BREATHE WITHOUT YOU?

GO DEEP, RICARDO

HOW DO I EVER, EVER SURVIVE?

HOW DO I

HOW DO I

OH, HOW DO I LIVE?

VERSE 2

WITHOUT YOU?

NO EAGLE UP IN THE SKY

COULDN'T EVEN SEE MUSTACHE GUY

NO SCOREBOARD LIGHTS BLINDING ME

AND I...

NEED TO HEAR THE BAMMERS GO BOO-HOO

I KNOW WE LOST, BUT YOU LOST, TOO

(I MEAN) OLE MISS WAS SO WEAK

COULDN'T EVEN BEAT A BAD GATOR TEAM

AND RICHT BARELY TRIED

CHORUS

BACK TO US NOW...

HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT YOU?

FCS TEAMS

HOW DO I BREATHE WITHOUT YOU?

CAN'T SMITH RUN A SEAM?

HOW DO I EVER, EVER SURVIVE?

HOW DO I

HOW DO I

OH, HOW DO I LIVE?

BRIDGE

GIVE THE BALL TO PEYTON

SNAP TO KERRYONNNNNNN...

VERSE 3

IF YOU EVER LEAVE

AUBURN, WHAT THE HELL WOULD I THROW AT MY

HI-DEF TV?

ALL THE LUCKY CLOTHES I WORE WHEN WE WON

IN TWENTY THIRTEEN?

FINAL CHORUS

AND TELL ME NOW

HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT YOU?

LAWSON, COME HOME

HOW DO I BREATHE WITHOUT YOU?

COACH BOOM WANTS TO SHOW

A BETTER FRONT SEVEN

THAN THE BOUNCERS AT SKY...

HOW DO I

HOW DO I

OH, HOW DO I LIVE?

/tissues

Winner: Auburn (um, duh...bye week?)

Opposing Team/Coach/Fanbase Hate Index: If you're watching any other game, then you're pulling for whoever's playing Bama, Florida State, Notre Dame, Ohio State, Clempson, Georgia, Bert, USC, and Texas (gah, that's not even fair, but it's hilarious), because I hate those teams.

Over/Under on Cardiac Felinitis-related heartburn this weekend: 6.5, and I'll be taking the under

Because where there's smoke, there's LeAnn Rimes' fiery eyes, and I'll fire up the number one hits until the cows come home, baby!

DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BARN. WAR DAMN EAGLE.