I really cannot stand Georgia. The state, Atlanta traffic, Braves management...
Good grief, did we really get rid of the best defensive player in baseball? Really???
GEORGIA, YOU ARE KILLING ME THIS WEEK.
Ah, but we're still #soblessed, Barn, because it's #UGAHateWeek or #DwagHateWeek or whatever week involving Georgia and your dislike for it you want it to be that you can put a hashtag in front of, and that means things are going to be okay.
JUST KIDDING. THINGS ARE NOT OKAY. IT'S NOT A GOOD DAY TO BE A BARVE EVERYONE PANIC.
If you're struggling to find something positive about Georgia this week, do not despair, and seriously, don't waste your time, because when it comes to Athens and the school there and the head coach of that program and its three or four quarterbacks and everything that goes with these things, there is nothing positive to be found.
You grow up in a place like Birmingham, and you expect to deal with Bammers. It's just a part of life. You live with a publication that used to show up on your doorstep seven days a week and had the name "Birmingham" in it and this publication would be a thing you'd hold in your hand and you'd read about how Auburn sucks while you ate your Wheaties and how Bama are the good guys and "Is Auburn better off without [insert coach/player]?" and HOLY COW WHAT A SIMPLER TIME THAT WAS.
The one thing you don't expect is having to grow up next to the only Georgia fans in a 20-mile radius and question your religion as a nine-year-old because of it. Growing up in a Birmingham suburb and having to deal with a Georgia fan is almost like living in a desert and having to deal with frostbite. It's like, "Are you kidding me?"
But, hey. You know what? The important thing is that, even though Thanksgiving is around the corner, Christmas is somehow even more around the corner, so it's time to extend some goodwill and cheer to our rivals (shh, don't tell Bama CFB Twitter) who hail from another state and wear spiked shoulder pads and bark at you (even when they're 40 years old and have neat adult jobs!) and lose to Alabama in embarrassing fashion every four years or so (y'all really oughta leave that to "little brother," Dwags).
The Smoking Barn presents...
The 2015 Christmas Book of Dwag Swag
That's right, folks! Christmas is coming! Not sure what to buy the dwag in your life this holiday season? Looking for the perfect gift that screams, "I live for squat thrusts"? Just trying to survive the month of December in your safe space without being assaulted about Herschel Walker and Mark Richt being a good man and all that? Look no further than this year's book of Dwag Swag. We'll find the Christmas gift that best matches the personality of your loved ones who are still stuck in a time and place where Georgia was relevant and a legitimate threat to the college football landscape. Weren't those fun times?
Christmas Gift #1 - Journey's Escape and Frontiers Combo Pack
Journey is a timeless band, but for the sake of your dwag, let's go back to the good ol' days and relive a time when they were on top of the world. Who doesn't love "Don't Stop Believin'"? Did you know that in 20 years or so, this will be the hottest karaoke track OF ALL TIME? It's also fitting, because why stop believin' that every year is gonna be your year, Dwags? Remember in 2008 when it was all but a given that Stafford and Moreno were both somehow going to win the Heisman trophy on their way to the national title? "Who's Crying Now" is a great track to accompany that sadness.
And let's not forget Frontiers, which includes such tracks as "Faithfully," the love story between a fan base and its lovable "good man," Mark Richt. "Circus life" indeed. We all need the clowns to make us smile sometimes.
Christmas Gift #2 - Lite Brite
"Lite Brite, Lite Brite. All bark, no bite?"
Nah, that's hurtful. A bite would also be hurtful, but the SEC wouldn't know this year, because y'all were actually on the receiving end of a pretty satiating bite from the boys of T-Town in October. Yes sir, when it comes to the bright lights of SEC football, perhaps a scaled-down version is more accessible for your fanbase. After all, when the chips are down and the scoreboard isn't going your way, you can always make up your own winning score on your very own Lite Brite! Or, you could just leave your Lite Brite blank, because sometimes black outs are more fu—PFFFTTTT HA YEAH RIGHT THAT SURE WORKED OUT FOR Y'ALL AGAINST THE TIDE, HUH, PAWWWLLLL???
By the way, don't eat any of the little pieces. You might choke, and y'all never do that, right?
Christmas Gift #3 - A DVD box set of Murder, She Wrote, Matlock, and M*A*S*H*
The 1980's wouldn't be complete without some of televisions best shows. Unfortunately, they've long been off the air by the time you get to 2015, and only your uncle or your grandparents care to reminisce about 'em anymore. It's fitting, though, because while your favorite dwag probably wasn't alive when these shows hit the air, he or she also probably wasn't alive the last time Georgia won a title, so it's no harm, no foul (unless you count this, which is really going to make you mad, so maybe don't click it?).
(Also, don't click this one, either.)
Christmas Gift #4 - A VHS copy of Star Wars: A New Hope
It's always great when a football team can focus on something other than winning football games. Really gets you in the spirit of what it means to be a student-athlete, doesn't it?
Your favorite dwag can watch Star Wars over and over and over again, knowing that at the last second, the Death Star will always blow up. It's true! You'll never have to worry about any crazy alternate endings where something else happens.
(C'mon. You didn't really think we'd ignore that one, did you?)
I mean, it's called A New Hope for a reason, right? Every season can be a new hope for your program when you've got Obi Wan Richtobi doing gainers off the high dive before he loses the SEC East/SEC Championship Game/World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.
Christmas Gift #5 - A brand new set of spiked shoulder pads
It's a dwag's biggest Christmas wish come true! Nothing says, "I'm superior" than a set of shoulder pads...with spikes on them. What is this, Mad Max? Not sure what road you're trying to be the warrior of, but it's certainly not the road to the CFB Playoff, or an SEC Championship, or beating Florida. Or Alabama. Or Tennessee.
Well, it's not the prettiest or wittiest list, but it'll get the job done, which is the story of our team currently. Texas A&M was the closest to a complete game we've played all year, so anything that just gets the job done tomorrow will be satisfying enough for me. But take cheer, Georgia fans, because it's a win-win for y'all. If you win, great! You beat Auburn! Woof! If you lose, well y'all sucked this year anyway, so it's like it doesn't even count! Double Woof!
Opposing Team/Coach/Fanbase Hate Index: 11/10
Score Prediction: Auburn 27 Georgia 17
Because where there's smoke, there's probably a FIRE DANCER HOLY COW I FORGOT ABOUT Y'ALL'S HALFTIME SHOW I'M SUPER EXCITED NOW, and I'll fire up your fanbase until the cows come home, baby.
DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BARN. WAR DAMN EAGLE.