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Welcome Back, Gary!

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In which I poke fun at Gary Danielson with no regard for his inability to choose his assignments or break television contracts.

The Kick Six. You may have heard of it. No not that one. Or that one. Fakers. I mean THE Kick Six. You know, the one where Alabama and Auburn were playing to win the SEC West and a shot at the National Championship. The one where Auburn tied the game late with a devious, cheating, HE CAN'T DO THAT PAAWWWWL pop pass.

The one where it was going to overtime until Nick Saban demanded a second be added back to the clock. The one where Alabama kicker Cade Foster had already missed three field goals, so Adam Griffith got a shot at a 57-yarder. The one where Auburn punt returner Chris Davis stood innocently under the goal post. The one where this happened.

Kick Six

And then the internet melted down.

During that meltdown, shortly before 6:30 PM central time, Gary Danielson uttered these words.

"You know, what we need to do is come back here more often," he said. Nearly two full seasons later, 728 days to be exact, Gary will finally do that, ending a year long obsession of mine.

What took him so long? Auburn has played 12 home games since that fateful night, with a 13th coming up this Saturday, and every time Gary went somewhere else and watched some boring football game while Auburn did awesome, crazy, unbelievable stuff.

1. August 30th, 2014

Gary's location: Home, presumably. For someone who wanted to come back to Jordan-Hare Stadium more often, that sure was a funny way to show it.

The missed miracle: Jeremy Johnson lighting up the Arkansas defense. Sure, only a miracle in hindsight, but my goodness, can you imagine Johnson throwing the ball all over a defense like that now? I can not. I mean, it was enough to get him a page on draftbreakdown.com.

2. September 6th, 2014

Gary's location: Home again, presumably. Boy, that must be some home you got up in where ever you live. How big's your TV? Probably not as big as ours. Ours is big as h- Oh, this was before we got that. Nevermind.

The missed miracle: That any San Jose State players escaped with their lives. I mean, Auburn was running that deadly HUNH right at them all night. How do explain men surviving such horrors as this? You can't.

No Sub For You

3. September 27th, 2014

Gary's location: Arlington, Texas, for the Texas A&M-Arkansas game. Arkansas led for most of the game and it looked like BERT was going to get his first SEC win. But, totally as expected, the Razorbacks let the Aggies come back from a two touchdown deficit in the final minutes. Then, in overtime, Texas A&M stopped a fourth-down conversion attempt to seal the win. Yawn.

The missed miracle: Go Go Gadget Arm!

Duke Arm

4. October 4th, 2014

Gary's location: Oxford, Mississippi, for the Alabama-Ole Miss game. This one seemed important at the time, but come on, Ole Miss beats Alabama every year now.

The missed miracle: Auburn played LSU that night and put up 45 points while only giving up 17. Auburn had not beaten an LSU team that bad since who knows when. And as far as I know, bulletin board material played no part. Wow!

5. October 25th, 2014

Gary's location: Lexington, Kentucky, for the Mississippi State-Kentucky game. What? Sure, sometimes one of these teams will have a good record for the first half of a season only to lose a close mid-season game and then fall of the face of the earth, but surely not in the same year. And it's not like they're rivals or anything. Wait. Roll Bama Roll is telling me right now that since they are permanent cross-divisional rivals, they are in fact each others biggest rivals, no matter what. Okaaaaaay.

The missed miracle: Steve Spurrier's last shot at Auburn. He largely dominated Auburn while the head coach at Florida, but he had failed to beat the Tigers since moving over to South Carolina. As it turned out, this was his last shot. So he went for every fourth down he could, converting five of six. But the real miracle was that Auburn somehow got away with having both Duke Williams and Montravius Adams on the field at the same time for the Gamecock's final Hail Mary. They both wear number 1.

6. November 8th, 2014

Gary's location: Baton Rouge, Louisiana, for the 85th almost-annual Game of the Century, brought to you by 22 dudes smashing into each other in a proverbial phone booth the way God intended. Just a pastoral scene if you ask me. Get me Daniel Moore!

The missed miracle: For the first time in the existence of Auburn University, and I'm talking all the way back before the John Heisman days, Auburn had some bad luck. Texas A&M blocked a field goal and returned it for a touchdown, Auburn "lost" a fumble inside the five on what would have been a late go-ahead score, and a miscommunication on a snap on the last possession ended the game.

7. November 22nd, 2014

Gary's location: Fayetteville, Arkansas, for the Texas A&M-Ole Miss game. I don't remember anything from this game, and I doubt Gary does either. I'm positive Verne does not.

The missed miracle: Auburn played Samford that night. I don't remember anything from this game and I doubt Gary does either.

8. September 12th, 2015

Gary's location: Nashville, Tennessee, for the Georgia-Vanderbilt game. Sure, Vandy kept it close for more of the game that many thought they would, but it really pales in comparison to the exciting game that day on the Plains.

The missed miracle: Doing its best to give the fans their money's worth, Auburn spotted FCS Jacksonville State a few scores before making a late run, tying the game up with 39 seconds left. It would have only been the biggest upset in college football ever. Should have been there, Gary.

9. September 26th, 2015

Gary's location: Gainesville, Florida, for the Tennessee-Florida game. Tennessee had already given up a big lead to lose to Oklahoma earlier in the season, so when Florida threw a 63-yard touchdown pass with less than two minutes to go, we all knew it was coming. No surprise there.

The missed miracle: Auburn's Sean White got his first start that night. But more importantly, it was this game that showed that the defense was turning the corner. After mostly sub-par defenses since 2008, that is nothing short of miraculous.

10. October 3rd, 2015

Gary's location: Athens, Georgia, for some really boring game where one team looked pretty good and the other didn't and nobody cared. Bad choice, Gary.

The missed miracle: Auburn scored four touchdowns on five red zone trips. It could have been a perfect night had Auburn gone for it on a 4th and short. How the Tigers managed to pull that off, I may never figure out.

11. October 31st, 2015

Gary's location: Jacksonville, Florida, for the Georgia-Florida game. But only because he was contractually obligated to be there.

The missed miracle: Carl Lawson came back! Carl Lawson came back! Carl Lawson came back!

12. November 14th, 2015

Gary's location: Starkville, Mississippi, for the Alabama-Mississippi State game. When's the last time the Bulldogs beat the Tide? 2007. When's the last time the Bulldogs had a chance to beat the Tide? Every dang year if you listen to the "experts" hard enough the week before the game. "Mississippi State's gunning for the division title this year. Bama better watch out." "Dak Prescott is a Heisman contender (suddenly and for this week only). Will the Tide be able to contain him?" And then when Alabama invariably suffocates Mississippi State, like it always does, it's somehow another feather in the Tide's late season cap.

And we don't need your manila folder checklist you made because the CBS graphics department wouldn't listen to you. That's lame, Gary. Verne seems interested though.

Gary Checklist

The missed miracle: I wrote this stupid article instead of breaking down any part of that Auburn-Georgia game for a reason and I'm not gonna start now. You can't make me.

13. November 21st, 2015

Gary's location: Oxford, Mississippi, for the LSU-Ole Miss game. We don't know what's going to happen yet, but it won't be nearly as much fun as...

The missed miracle: Auburn plays Idaho, and with bowl-eligibility on the line, I'm sure the Tigers will find a way to make it more fun than it should be. Can't wait.

Forgiveness

Scumbag Verne and Gary

You've really missed out on some great stuff, Gary, and you only have yourself to blame. You saw the Mircale in Jordan-Hare and the Kick Six with your own eyes. You saw Auburn play games in Atlanta, Starkville, Atlanta again, and Baton Rouge. You saw crazy things like Jeremy Johnson breaking loose on a long touchdown run vs LSU eerily similar to one Cam Newton did. You even described it exactly the same way.

But I'm not mad. I'm just glad you're coming back. And don't wait so long for the next time. If you haven't heard, Auburn is in quite a home stretch right now. The first five games of 2016 are right here in Jordan-Hare.

So, please, pay us a visit a few times next year. I think I speak for all Auburn fans when I say that I'll take your endless Tebow mentions and "We Don't Need a Committee" lectures over 11am games and Jesse Palmer anytime.