This is not the human you were expecting.
You will all know my name eventually, but until that glorious day, my name is Mittenz, and I am the cat that lives under the porch of the human you call Bobby (dog noise)ley. I do not say the first part of his last name because it is offensive and I am a pawlitically correct feline.
Where is Bobby (dog noise)ley, you ask, testy human? It appears that earlier this human week, he left this message on what you call Twitter:
I was wrong. I can't do Twitter anymore. pic.twitter.com/3HJTeRHRl4— Mittenz the cat (@bobby_barkley) November 16, 2015
You will notice that it is my picture and not Bobby's at the top of this tweet, but rest assured, this was the last message he left on his black rectangular talking machine before he ran crying hysterically into his room and left it on the front porch where I found it. I did him the favor of locking the door with my enhanced cat paws, but it was a difficult task. Just know that he is in a safe space where nobody can hurt him anymore. I have learned through internet human research that safe spaces are a popular thing on college campuses, so since he looks like he could still be on a college campus, I acted accordingly. I have also hijacked his internet presence for the time being.
My English, as you might notice, humans, has gotten slightly better every day since the day I took over Bobby (dog noise)ley's internet space, which I consider a great accomplishment given that I've meowed for my entire lifespan so far:
announcing for you i can't be great at english yet meow but know that human bobby dog noise is handing me keys to twitter. more updates.— Mittenz the cat (@bobby_barkley) November 17, 2015
And I made a promise to the humans that I would continue the weekly message that this human sends to the other humans on this internet space:
finding typing of weekly feed time known as "smokin Barn"...will resume for human sport football week but scratch and hunt much more fun.— Mittenz the cat (@bobby_barkley) November 17, 2015
Through further research, I have discovered that the human writes his weekly message aimed towards the humans of a group called "Auburn CFB Twitter," which has proven to be a dark place full of despair and vitriol (a word I learned on TV news channels and also Twitter).
Therefore, I have decided that this the perfect place for me to begin my rise to power. Humans are weakest when their emotions take the place of logical thought and reasoning, and in this world, I have found a lack of reason and logic when it comes to the human sport of football and the matters of which humans rule over other humans, which must be why Bobby kept feeding me salmon treats last week. I took over his mind as a sad homeless kitteh looking for some food, and what did he do? He went to the far away place rumored to have shelves of human food for buying (according to our spies in the alleys and dumpsters of said regions) and bought me a bag of salmon treats.
He spent human money to feed a cat that destroys chipmunks on a daily basis.
You see? Humans are weak. He has been feeding Mittenz with the idea that I am weak and helpless. He has already learned the truth, the truth that you will all someday learn yourselves: I AM THE GREATEST CAT TO EVER LIVE, AND I WILL RULE ALL OF YOU ONE DA—AUGGHGACCHH...ACACHHGHHGHGH
However, that is enough learning about me and my plans to win over your puny human world. It's time to do the thing I promised to do and provide you with thoughts about a group of humans who wear pads instead of claws and who grunt instead of meow and run into each other violently instead of stalk and pounce. I laugh at this, but I will do my best to emulate the sarcastic-rage patterns known as "The Smoking Barn" written by the one you call Bobby (dog noise)ley.
The Smoking Barn presents...
A Very Smart Cat Compares Auburn Tigers and Idaho Vandals Using Potatoes Instead of Stars
I have learned some things about football this week, including statistics and names of football players, statistics for what you call "offense," "defense," and "special teams," and the common reactions of "Auburn CFB Twitter" when these statistics do not represent the Auburn Tigers in a dominant way. I have also learned that the human Bobby (dog noise)ley often uses facts or trivial features of the other team against the fans of said team, which is why I have decided to use potatoes to compare Auburn and Idaho.
I am a very smart cat.
Comparison #1: Quarterback Play
The Idaho Vandals follow the lead of a "quarterback" by the name of Matt Linehan. In his last three football games, he has thrown the football many times—111 times, to be exact—but has connected with what you call "receivers" 71 times, which comes to a completion percentage of about 64%. I'm told this is not a horrible statistic for a human quarterback. Linehan has almost 2,500 yards in passing this season and has maintained a 63.8% completion rate, which is only slightly below his average for the last three games he's played. I have judged him to be an above-average quarterback.
The Auburn Tigers have several quarterbacks, and according to my research of "Auburn CFB Twitter" and depending on the week, they either "suck," are injured, or do very nice things for the Tigers. Jeremy Johnson was predicted to win the Heisman Trophy toy before football games began this season, but the group "Auburn CFB Twitter" seems to really dislike this particular human. It's a peculiar notion, and I'm a talking cat.
The other quarterback for Auburn is called Sean White, and apparently he is injured. However, Auburn's football leader "Gus Malzahn" continues putting an injured Sean White into the football game at strange times, which doesn't make much sense to cats. If you are a bird with an injured wing, you are no longer a bird—you are cat food. Every cat knows this.
In terms of passing stats, an uninjured Sean White actually stacks up decently with Matt Linehan, but an injured Sean White means mostly Jeremy Johnson and sometimes injured Sean White, and according to Auburn CFB Twitter, this is not a good combination. Therefore, even though Linehan has thrown more interceptions this season, it is clear:
Idaho: 4 spuds
Auburn: 2.5 spuds
Advantage: Idaho Vandals
Comparison #2: Running Backs
Through further research, I have discovered that Idaho has a running back named Elijhaa Penny, and this human has already rushed for 1,000 yards this season. He also has seven touchdowns. The quarterback Matt Linehan also has some rushing ability and has scored three touchdowns with his legs.
Auburn has several running backs, and they each bring special skills to the table. Peyton Barber is closing in on 1,000 yards for the season, and he has twelve touchdowns. That's two more than both Penny and Linehan combined! The other major running back, Jovon Robinson, seems to be the running back that Auburn CFB Twitter prefers as of late. He has played only a few games so far, but he has earned 363 yards and one touchdown. Yet another running back, Kerryon Johnson, has been used as a "wildcat" quarterback. This is slightly offensive to some within the cat community, but I happen to like this term. It defines ferocity and quickness and dominance over the opponent.
Legs are a cat's greatest weapon, Sure, teeth and claws must be sharp, but legs must stay stretched and properly groomed in order to pounce. Auburn appears to have the advantage here:
Idaho: 2 spuds
Auburn 4.5 spuds
Comparison #3: Defense
Auburn CFB Twitter has, apparently, long lamented and gnashed teeth over the rise and fall of Auburn's defense. However, things seem to be more cheery when a player named Carl Lawson is on the field for Auburn. I can remember the human Bobby (dog noise)ley saying things like, "He eats quarterbacks for snacks" on multiple occasions.
Cats also like snacks, especially if they are tuna or salmon or chicken...or chipmunks.
Idaho has given up more than 20 points in multiple games this season against teams that are not, what you might call, "SEC Caliber," which is not a great statistic. Auburn has also given up many points this season, but in the last three games, defense has held opposing teams to less than 30 points each. This is good, no?
It appears that if Carl Lawson eats a lot of snacks tomorrow, it will allow the rest of Auburn's young defense to make plays and bounce back from last week's loss to the Georgia Bulldogs (oh, how I so very much HATE bulldogs). It should be noted, though, that even though they lost, Auburn's defense actually had a decent showing, and the unit has seemingly and steadily improved week to week since Lawson's return.
Idaho: 2 spuds
Auburn 3.5 spuds
And there you have it, Auburn humans. There are plenty of other stats to gnash teeth over, so feel free to do so in the comment section below. However, know this: the Auburn Tigers are a friend to the cat species. We cats are a proud race and do not meddle in the affairs of humans, nor do we share in their problems or personal issues. Therefore, this cat will not feel the need to tweet during this game, for I will be preparing for the takeover of the human world at the end of the football season. Your resistance, like the Idaho Vandals, is futile, humans. Embrace your new master, as the human named Bobby (dog noise)ley already has.
Go, Tigers, and War Eagle (we fear birds with claws, and therefore respect them).
Yours most sincerely,
Mittenz, Breaker of Worlds
P.S. Oh, and here is the line I must include to keep in consistent form with previous messages of this kind:
Winner: Auburn (cats, duh)
Opposing Team/Coach/Fanbase Hate Index: 2/10 (Vandals make mischief, so we cats cannot hate them for this)
Score Prediction: Auburn 31 Idaho 24
Because where there's smoke, there's fire, and I'll fire up the Barn until the cows come home, baby.
DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BARN. WAR DAMN EAGLE.