Ah. Texas A&M. Y'all are an enigma, Aggies.
I remember the buzz surrounding your arrival into our sacred conference, and let it be known that I was not for it, nor was I for your East counterpart in Mizzou, either. But it happened. Sometimes you can't get what you want.
(NOTE: the video in that link contains images that might fall under NSFW, so click with caution and laugh until you wet yourself.)
Sometimes Johnny Football can't get what he wants. Actually, I'm not sure he ever gets what he wants.
But hey, y'all have shown up and proven that you can hang with the big boys, and I applaud you for it. You have a good coach, a recently hired defensive genius, two defensive ends that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson studied for his role in San Andreas, and three hundred quarterbacks. Life is good when Texas is the worst team in your state.
But life is bad when you can't beat Bama (talk to us, Aggies...we're not even their biggest rival anymore, so we know your pain). Life is also bad when you can't beat Ole Miss (again, sit down and have a drink with us), who somehow beat Alabama, the team currently in the first CFB Playoff Rankings and how in the hell does that make any sense? Nevertheless, you have persevered, and now, only a year after our infamous "butt snap/fumble" snafu, we're on our way to College Station to face your team, your crowd, your 12th man, your border collie, and your gang of gas station attendants from the 1950's.
Last time we played at College Station, we were blessed with "HORSE COLLAR, PAWWWLLLL IT WAS A HORSE COLLAR YOU CAN'T DO THAT AWBARN CHEATED THEIR WAY TO THE TOP THEY GOT JOHNNY FOOTBALL ON A HORSE COLLAR PAWWWLLLLLLL ROWH TAHD PAWWWLLLL WE DON'T GOTTA HORSE COLLAR NOBODY TO BEAT THEM AGGIES!!!!"
So which quarterback will we get to horse collar on your final drive for the win this time around? Looks like Kyler Murray has heard the call and stepped up to Kyle Field to replace Kyle Allen and why are there so many variations of Kyle in this program???
Really, though. Many of us Auburn fans are just so salty. I mean, really. Can this day just be over? Can we just move on to basketball season to keep up with the school down the road from us who is all of a sudden a basketball school now? #buckleup
Sigh. It's been a tough year, so let's not add any unnecessary stress to the mix. Let's just make fun of everyone else for a change...
...okay, yeah, this is what I do every week, anyway.
The Smoking Barn presents...
The A&M Yell Leader Cheer Book - SEC Edition
Seriously, A&M. This is single-handedly the dumbest tradition in all of college football. It's single-handedly the stupidest thing I've ever personally witnessed, and I watched Dabo Swinney eat peanuts in a limo while I was stuck in Atlanta traffic in 20 12. I'll never understand what your yell leaders are actually saying, nor what their hand motions and dainty arm flailings actually mean, so I'm going to do what I do best and just make them up. You brought this upon yourselves.
Cheer One: South Carolina - "The Visor of Want"
Step One: Arms at your side, feet shoulder-width apart.
Step Two: Lean back with backside protruding slightly outwards and put weight on right leg.
Step Three: With your left hand, adjust an imaginary visor on your head, then wipe imaginary sweat away with right forearm. Be sure that right forearm has been thoroughly moistened with Banana Boat tanning oil and exhibits plenty of arm hair growth.
Step Four: Mold face into exasperated expression, shrug shoulders, and exit the stadium before kickoff.
(Bonus step: Wink at Spencer Hall.)
Cheer Two: LSU - "The Lawnmower Time Machine"
Step One: Arms at your side, with one foot in stride in front of the other.
Step Two: "Crank the lawnmower" with your dominant hand.
Step Three: Unravel imaginary wristwatch on left arm, use throwing motion to chuck the watch in front of your imaginary lawnmower.
Step Four: Run over imaginary watch with your imaginary lawnmower.
(Bonus step: Reach down and pretend to eat clippings with one hand and pinky extended.)
Cheer Three: Ole Miss - "The Hotty Toddy, Destroy My Body"
Step One: Arms loose and relaxed at your side and fingers wiggling by your pockets.
Step Two: Channeling your inner Doc Holliday, give the stink eye to the space directly in front of you.
Step Three: In a sudden-like motion, cup your left hand around an imaginary can of Bud Light and, keeping your arm at a level length, bring up to your mouth. Throw down imaginary can with a violent spiking motion with your left hand.
Step Four: Repeat these motions with your right hand.
Step Five: Alternate hands.
Step Six: (Audibly swear at everyone around you before falling into utter obscurity, you jackass.)
(That man in the orange sweater is my hero, by the way.)
Cheer Four: Vanderbilt - "The Anchorman"
Step One: Leave the library.
Step Two: Or don't, I mean, it's game day, but you need to study.
Step Three: Seriously, you know kickoff is in 20 minutes, right?
Step Four: Hold left hand open and flat in front of your face.
Step Five: With right hand, pretend to draw on open left hand.
Step Six: Turn left open hand around and express excitement followed by immediate regret, as if to reveal an embarrassing preseason logo/slogan about anchors and permission.
Step Seven: Mime checking your wristwatch and running back to the library.
(Bonus Step: Just skip all of these and don't leave the library.)
Cheer Five: Missouri - "Threeve"
Step One: Sit on the ground with legs crossed.
Step Two: Hold an imaginary cup in left hand.
Step Three: Place imaginary dice in imaginary cup.
Step Four: Place your right hand over the imaginary cup in your left hand and make three shaking motions, alternating side to side near your face and keeping an overly gleeful expression.
Step Five: Release imaginary cup onto ground.
Step Six: Reveal only scores resulting in multiples of three, hang head in disappointment.
(Bonus step: Face east towards Atlanta and exclaim "War Eagle" or "Roll Tide".)
Cheer Six: Arkansas - "Baby (Got) Back Ribs"
Step One: Rest in a wall-sit position, as if at an imaginary table (WARNING: Requires excellent trunk and leg strength).
Step Two: Holding an imaginary rack of ribs, alternate planting your face into the rack, licking your lips strenuously.
Step Three: Rise from table and take bumbling steps to your right.
Step Four: Bending over slightly, press imaginary button in front of you.
Step Five: Check your watch as if waiting for the elevator to arrive.
Step Six: Enter elevator.
Step Seven: Do not exit elevator.
(Bonus step: Exhibit a whiny expression during the whole cheer while simultaneously keeping a visible state of bewilderment by keeping the mouth partially open and tongue protruding towards bottom row of teeth.)
Cheer Seven: Moo U - "The Bagman"
Step One: Stretch your legs and arms thoroughly.
Step Two: Raise your right hand to your ear, as if holding a cell phone.
Step Three: Rotate your hips to the right, slightly wind up, and throw imaginary cell phone far away.
Step Four: Squat slightly and use both arms to pick up an imaginary bag full of cash.
Step Five: Assume the Hamburglar position, holding the bag of cash over your shoulder and raising your free hand to place a finger over your lips.
Step Six: Creep away.
(Bonus step: Bonus step? Bonus? Was $180,000 not enough?)
Cheer Eight: Georgia - "Light the Fire"
Step One: Squatting slightly, rotate hips to pick up imaginary items from your left and place them in a pile on your right.
Step Two: Wrap your right hand around an imaginary bottle of lighter fluid, turn upside down, and in a circular motion, pretend to pour on imaginary pile.
Step Three: Raise your left hand to strike a match on the matchbox in your right hand.
Step Four: Drop match onto pile.
Step Five: Express "Richt face," which can be described as looking suspiciously calm, looking to the left, then to the right, then to the scoreboard, then at the pool below the high dive. Keep hands either on hips or crossed at your chest.
(Bonus step: That's too many steps. Here.)
Cheer Nine: Florida - "The Denim Shuffle"
Step One: Stand straight, arms at side.
Step Two: Squat down with knees bent, and place hands near feet.
Step Three: Stand up, pulling imaginary jorts up to waistline, struggling around the hip area.
Step Four. Walk three steps to your right.
Step Five: Unzip jorts and, with one leg raised to keep balance on an imaginary Subaru Outback, pretend to pee on the side of an Arby's.
Step Six: Turn head to face crowd, smile, and with free hand, pretend to chug a Smirnoff Ice.
(Bonus step: Wink at Spencer Hall.)
(BONUS Bonus step: This cheer can be performed simultaneously with Cheer 8, "Light the Fire," for maximum crowd pleasing.)
Cheer Ten: Tennessee - "The Kiffin T Party"
Step One: Stand relaxed, arms at sides.
Step Two: Raise both arms up at shoulder height to form a "T".
Step Three: Spin around seven times or until dizzy.
Step Four: Lose to Florida, attempt to lead the band in Rocky Top anyway.
(Bonus step: Have Terrence Cody on standby to body-check you from the south end zone.)
Cheer Eleven: Kentucky - "The Moonshine Boogaloo"
Step One: Start in a kneeling position.
Step Two: With your left hand, grasp the handle of a jug.
Step Three: Lift imaginary jug to lips.
Step Four: Perform a jig and complete a heel kick to your right.
(Bonus step: Attempt to pour cereal into bowl; miss the bowl entirely.)
Cheer Twelve: Texas A&M - "The Kenny Trill Ferris Wheel"
Step One: Gather four yell leaders together for this cheer.
Step Two: The first yell leader will raise his hands to the sky and rub his fingers together in each hand.
Step Three: The second yell leader will pull the first yell leader down by the back of his collar. However, as the first yell leader is performing his motions, the second yell leader will prematurely strike the Heisman pose.
Step Four: The second yell leader will trip on his own feet after pulling down the first yell leader by the back of his collar. The third yell leader will select a random female fan from the crowd to talk to on the sideline before trotting in to perform The Wobble on top of the second yell leader's back as he lies on the ground.
Step Five: The third yell leader will seriously screw up the Cha-Cha element of The Wobble and fall on top of the second yell leader, which will signal the fourth yell leader to scramble in circles around all three yell leaders on the ground.
(Bonus step: These steps are best performed when under the influence of seven and a half beers and a domestic dispute on the highway.)
Cheer Thirteen: Auburn - "The Bagman Pt. 2"
Step One: Start with hands at sides, relaxed, feet shoulder-width apart.
Step Two: Hold up five fingers with your right hand and a "thumbs-up" with your left.
Step Three: Kneel and raise hands to the sky.
Step Four: Have the yell leader who performed "The Bagman" enter and shake hands with the yell leader performing this cheer.
Step Five: Take both hands and make a fist-like grip, raise to center of chest, pull away level as if to reveal a hidden emblem underneath shirt. Face crowd, shrug shoulders, and smirk.
Step/Kick Six: Stand in south end zone in front of goal posts, run the length of the field.
(Bonus step: Set fire to a copy of Great Expectations or a dumpster after Step Six.)
Cheer Fifteen: Alabama - "The Freshwater Spirit Fingers"
Step One: Stand with arms at sides.
Step Two: Pull imaginary cell phone out of pocket and pretend to text by bringing both hands together and rapidly twitching thumbs.
Step Three: Bend knees, lean to the right, and pretend to crank the motor of a boat.
Step Four: Wink at Spencer Hall.
(Bonus step: Have one yell leader (preferably the shortest one in the group) stand in front of seven or eight other yell leaders. The single yell leader will yell and violently shake his open-faced hands at the group of yell leaders, who will be on their knees with eyes closed, a transfigured grin, and holding out imaginary recording devices in their left hand. Shirts are optional.)
Oh, what's that? This was excessive? Annoying? Didn't make any sense? Well, now you know how we feel, Aggies. For goodness sakes, can you just do a reg'lar ol' "Two Bits" like everyone else in the freakin' country? Make life easier for yourself so that next time to lose to Alabama defense, you'll at least have some pride to take back home with you. Y'all are all about pride, right? Right?
Gah, will this season just get gone, already?
Winner: Auburn (I've picked Auburn all year...I always will...but because of a lack of sleep, I almost didn't today just to see what would happen)
Opposing Team/Coach/Fanbase/Yell Leaders Hate Index: 8/10
Score Prediction: Auburn 30 Texas A&M 28
Because where there's smoke, there's probably some yell leader trying to get you fired up, and I'll fire up your sideline until the cows come home, baby.
DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BARN. WAR DAMN EAGLE.