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Undercover Barner: Holiday reGIFting

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This week's Undercover Barner makes no apologies for her puns.

Who'da thought they'd lead ya, right here where we need ya? Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot. #welcomeback
Who'da thought they'd lead ya, right here where we need ya? Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot. #welcomeback
Shanna Lockwood-USA TODAY Sports

So Auburn lost to Alabama on Saturday.

It wasn't a particularly pretty game, and Auburn did not play well. Neither did Alabama, if we're being honest, but Auburn played not weller than Alabama so I guess Auburn’s SGA president gets to add his name to the list of people who know Alabama’s fight song* better than its fans when he has to present them the ODK trophy. It was a tough game, and Auburn had its chances. It couldn't capitalize, and Alabama made Auburn pay.

I said it that night, but I really think this has been the year of Never to Conquer, Never to Yield. That team didn't quit. They didn't quit all season. Even when LSU was holding them by the forehead at arm's length, Auburn kept on swinging. But try as they might, they couldn't quite come away with enough wins. In years past, if Auburn could keep the score close, there was never a doubt in my mind that it could win. This team tried, but just couldn't get over the hump. We may never know what happened, other than large pieces of the puzzle didn't quite fit together. Whatever the reason(s), Auburn sits alone at the bottom of the division at the end of a season in which it was picked to win the conference. That could be better.

Despite what I'm sure was a rousing rendition of "Rammer Jammer," Alabama didn't beat the hell out of Auburn on Saturday. It just beat Auburn. And that happens. It sucks, but it happens. But I went to the grocery store on Sunday morning** and saw plenty of people in orange and blue who are fortunate enough not to let the outcome of a college football game or even a season define who they are. Because Auburn men and women love Auburn more than we hate Alabama. Also Auburn is 15-14 in the Iron Bowl during my lifetime so basically they can take their "dominance" talk and shove it.

Since I've found myself at the beginning of yet another jury term (who knew this business had so many jury trials?) and my refusal to eulogize the 2015 Auburn Tigers has not changed (there's still a bowl game to be played in an unglamorous yet still appreciated*** TBD destination), this week's post will feature a rundown a the long holiday weekend that featured a lot of good sports-related entertainment. A year or so ago, @TheAuburner said on twitter that GIF posts were the internet's lowest form of humor. He's probably right, but I went to Alabama so you know I ain't about that highbrow word play. I'm all about those GIFs, 'bout those GIFs, no jpegs.

Camsgiving

Notorious dance thug and child intimidation enthusiast $CAM Newton led the Carolina Panthers to a league-best 11-0 record by defeating the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day. It was enjoyable to watch.

c

It's a shame that guy will never make it as an NFL quarterback.

Iron Bowl of Awkward First Birthday Parties

My Friday was considerably less enjoyable.

When you unwittingly find yourself at a first birthday party at which your Bama ex's family comprises 1/5 of the guest list.

j

But at least you're undefeated in those particular Iron Bowls.

Actual Iron Bowl of Sadness

Nah.

Really?

I'm good.

You sure?

I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR.

Auburn-Watered-The-Grass-Gate

One of the best irrational tinfoil hat conspiracy theories to come out of that game was the idea that Auburn, a team most successful when it ran the ball, somehow overwatered the field (that BOTH teams had to play on) to slow down or injure Derrick Henry.

At first it made me angry but then it just made me tired.

Antisocial Media

There's nothing like the betrayal you feel when you're doing a little ill-advised post-Iron Bowl timeline-scrolling and run across a post by one of your so-called friends you thought was cool.

HAHA RAMMER JAMMER LITTLE BROTHER! LEARN YOUR PLACE! RTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTR #ROADTO16 #PROCESS #BUILTBYBAMA

[Your friend] liked the page "Auburn fans like cow sex."

So #blessed to have noted cool cucumber and #languagepolicecaptain Coach Nick Saban on our sideline. Will Muschamp should be arrested for assaulting that poor official. He was just trying to do his job. I had to put the kids to bed. They were so disturbed and scared. #RollTide and thanks Coach! Learn some manners, Awwwbarn!

Never underestimate the Iron Bowl's ability to turn your friends into raging jerks. On both sides. Above timeline fodder is entirely fictional. Probably.

Nobody Fawkes with Les Miles

LSU's brass only thought they would bully LSU's winningest coach out of his job.

****

Instead, after beating Texas A&M in Tiger Stadium, his players hoisted him atop their shoulders and dared the administration to touch him. Then the stadium sang the alma mater. Forever LSU.

Richt Homie Gone

Idk if it was a good move or a bad move but Georgia fired Mark Richt on Sunday morning. Goodbye, Mark. You beat us a bunch, and the rivalry got pretty nasty about the time you came on board. I'm not too sorry to see you go.

Don't let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

Touchdown Tom Takes a Tumble

And finally, on Sunday night, my other favorite and only other undefeated team lost a snowy overtime contest in Denver.

c

And the cheese stood alone.

Overall, I guess it was a pretty solid holiday weekend. I'll be spending the upcoming Championship Saturday on a farm in North Alabama without cable or internet because that's where I like to be when Alabama is the only team on TV.

Thanks for spending another season with me, Tiger fans. It wasn't what we thought it was going to be, but when are they ever? Enjoy our bowl break, and I'll see you guys pre-Birmingham or Shreveport or other exotic locale.

Until next time--War Eagle!

--

*I write song parodies. It's one of my things. And I wrote one of Alabama's fight song during my sophomore year when someone woke me up by playing said fight song at 6am outside of my dorm window in 2007.

Sample lyrics: Go roll to Saban, he'll take your cash/ You're Dixie's football rash, crimson trash!

I'm not a morning person.

**Wearing my Kick Six Tiger Rags shirt because lol.

***You still won't find me complaining about where we end up. I'm just thankful a team that almost lost to JSU made it to a bowl. And dear sweet baby Jesus please let us not get matched against Memphis.

****For the uninitiated, in Harry Potter, Dumbledore's phoenix is named Fawkes. If Les is Dumbledore, and what a world that would be, the LSU players and fanbase are Fawkes: salty, loyal, and wonderful.