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Auburn Twitter to Take Over as the New Defensive Coordinator

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Gus Malzahn needs a defensive coordinator to help him turn this thing around. Well, guess what. It’s you.

Well, which is it, #AuburnTwitter? - Johnathan "Rudy" Ford
Well, which is it, #AuburnTwitter? - Johnathan "Rudy" Ford

No, not you personally, you overconfident, go-it-alone mansplainer. I'm talking about you alongside every other Auburn fan on the best thing the internet's got going for itself. www.twitter.com. (Click the link to try it out. You won't regret it.)

How's this gonna work, you say? How can a group of internet users successfully coordinate a defense? I say, what choice do we have? It's been proven that SEC schools continue to wrongly assume they can poach FSU's staff. (It's unclear if the same applies to the players.) There's a nice coach in North Carolina, but only between a 0.0% chance and a 0.0519% chance we can get him. Coaches in Florida are spurning Auburn and coaches in Pennsylvania are spurning Auburn's phone calls.

Look, it's either you or Ted Roof.

You.

Or Ted Roof.

You.

OR TED ROOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFF!!!!!

So what plays are you gonna call? The way I see it, being the resident X's and O's expert around here, we need three plays and three plays only, all focused on stopping the passing game. The run defense can be fixed by simple tackling and alignment drills in spring and fall camp.

Dusts Hands

Defending an opponent's passing game requires more work. More strategy. More savvy. So we'll start with the savviest of all Twitter plays.

Need a Turnover

Need a Turnover is the kind of play that you just feel in your bones. Sometimes it's used when a turnover prone quarterback hasn't delivered in a while. But it's best used when the game is getting out of hand early and the opponent is marching down the field for another score. This season, Arkansas jumped up to a 14-0 lead and threatened to score again as it reached the Auburn 27. Fortunately, a lone voice in the ether cried out.

Then this happened.

It can be abused though. In Auburn's game with Georgia in 2013, dwags were pleading for a turnover during the game, especially after Mark "Good Man" Richt earned a personal foul for insisting Ricardo Louis lost a fumble. Perhaps Josh Harvey-Clemons was destined to go for the interception rather than knock the ball down.

Miracle

Serves ‘em right.

3rd and Auburn

This isn't really a play so much as a mentality. A battle cry. An ironic, self-aware, self-deprecating, meta humble brag. It started as a defeatist submission to the inevitable during the San Jose State game.

first known expression of 3rd and Auburn

But it could become Auburn's version of Tennessee's "Third Down for What." We could have Mic Man tell one side of Jordan-Hare Stadium to yell THIRD AND and the other side to yell AU-BURN. Maybe we can get towels. Perhaps Auburn could have a "legendary" strength coach yelling the phrase at the masses. Opponents would never inexplicably convert a 3rd and 16 again. Right?

TURN AROUND (aka LOOK FOR THE BALL)

If there's one thing #AuburnTwitter will get right in its new role, it's that defensive backs will turn around and look for the ball. Every. Time.

Then again, it looks like Malzahn has been working on it for a while. Since late September at least.

Now, I know what you're thinking. In this world of hurry up offenses, how are we going to be able to get these calls down to the players in time? CFBMatrix.com lists Auburn as the 69th fastest team this season, so speed is clearly no longer a priority for Malzahn. Every Auburn fan then should openly advocate for what I'm calling a Ten-Second Rule to allow #AuburnTwitter time to call the defense.

Set up a gofundme. Set this gif to Sarah McLachlan's "Angel." Secretly attend the Rules Committee meetings. Whatever it takes. Gus is counting on you. Auburn is counting on you. Or else Phillip Marshall will write something with Brian VanGorder's picture at the top.