Got your stogies ready?
Is LSU's marching band secretly practicing "Neck" in case of a victory? Confession: I kinda like that song.
Is our scoreboard still big as—NOPE NOT GOING THERE. NOT HERE. THIS PLACE IS SACRED.
LSU's win streak at Death Valley is potentially on the verge of its Sweet Sixteen birthday, but Auburn is looking to play the role of LSU's frenemy that definitely wasn't supposed to show up WHO INVITED HER ANYWAY THIS IS SO NOT FAIR!!!
I've watched a lot of games in this series. The 2007 game, for example, was a game I watched as a college freshman with a bunch of people I went to high school with, and I'm still not sure why I was hanging out with them. Didn't matter, though. Once LSU called that deep pass that just barely slipped through Jerraud Powers' hands, I threw whatever hat I was wearing on the floor (or at the TV, I can't remember...it got blurry realllly fast) and let fly a few choice curse words that made the people in that room second-guess my religious convictions. We didn't hang out after that, and it was for the best...for both parties.
But hey, it's 2015, and the world is so much more complex than it ever was in 2007. Let's embrace this, shall we? We're going to take a look back at the last eight games in this series through a special #nofilter.
The Smoking Barn presents...
The Auburn vs. LSU App Store
1. LSU 30, Auburn 24 (2007, Baton Rouge): Maps
A game that wasn't pretty, but for the most part, it was looking like a typical slugfest between two SEC West teams. Fourth quarter comes along, and even though it's been, like, four hours, Auburn fans can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel...right down to the last second.
This trip was going so well. There were some bumps in the road, but hey, kids! We're almost there...
MAPS: "Slight left..."
Dad: "Nah, there's a short cut here"
MAPS: "Slight left..."
Dad: "I got this. Siri doesn't know what she's—"
Kids: "OH MY GOSH WHY ARE WE IN A VOLCANO, DADDY? WHY???"
The difference between giving Nick Saban a second and giving Les Miles a second is that Les Miles is just crazy enough to make you pay for it. Saban will just put all fat guys out there, only to throw them under the bus when one of his kickers cements his name into history forever with the worst miss of all time.
2. LSU 26, Auburn 21 (2008, Auburn): Facebook Messenger
Because you don't have that girl's number, but y'all are Facebook friends, so this might still work out?
Also, because you can't just message somebody on the Facebook app. Zuckerberg wants your soul—you will creep on a COMPLETELY SEPARATE APP, PITIFUL ANTS.
Yeah, and Auburn can't just go up by 11 and keep scoring. Maybe I'll try Snapchat, instead...
3. LSU 31, Auburn 10 (2009, Baton Rouge): iOS Software Update
Because it's just an endless losing battle to begin with and you left your charger at home and don't feel like it.
4. Auburn 24, LSU 17 (2010, Auburn): Instagram
*I can still remember watching this run in person...in real time. It was the greatest individual play from the line of scrimmage I've ever witnessed
**I can also still remember watching this run in person. It looked like McCalebb was ice skating.
5. LSU 45, Auburn 10 (2011, Baton Rouge): Uber
You call for a car. You're in a hurry. You just want to get home from Chipotle.
Your car pulls up.
"Heyyyy...are you Darren?"
Buckle your seatbelt, because Darren is a racist, and he has a Samurai sword in the back floorboards. He's also got an outstanding warrant for his arrest, despite a thorough background check. And is that Aristocrat on his breath? So now he's a racist and he's cheap, and he's letting you know about it violently at every red light he's running (that's six now, plus an illegal right-turn).
This was a horrible decision.
Clint Moseley was a horrible decision.
6. LSU 12, Auburn 10 (2012, Auburn): Tinder
An embarrassing situation with zero action and plenty of teasing. Nobody's getting lucky tonight. Regrets.
7. LSU 35, Auburn 21 (2013, Baton Rouge): Candy Crush Saga / Snapchat
Because you're a glutton for punishment, even though you promised yourself that you could quit any time you wanted.
(Seriously, we still had a chance to win that game in the fourth quarter. Just a wet, sticky mess in a half-empty Death Valley. Gus wouldn't let us change the channel.)
And why do you keep opening these Snapchat stories? 3 minutes of Fourth of July fireworks? Duck face at five different bars downtown? You want to be part of the group, but it's late, and you need to get to bed. Just leave your phone face-up and on vibrate on your nightstand and see how much REM sleep you can piss away while you wait for the inevitable Snapchat that isn't a story (awesome, finally!), but rather an eight-second video where seven seconds is just the sidewalk followed by one second of the person's face and someone shouting "IS MCDONALD'S—"
Did I dream that?
8. Auburn 41, LSU 7 (2014, Auburn): TweetBot
I CAN'T FAVORITE THESE TWEETS FAST ENOUGH
OH MY GOSH MY TWEETS ARE ON FIRE
41 RETWEETS HOLY CRAP
I MISSED TODD BLACKLEDGE BUT NOT REALLY TASTE OF THE TOWN SO MUCH IS HE ON TWITTER
This game was made for Auburn CFB Twitter. Auburn CFB Twitter is a salty old man whose wife is making him buy new slacks at the Belk in the mall. Oh, sure, we're gonna swing by Cinnabon in a minute, but that's the only positive thing in this scenario. It needs this.
CLEARLY, I'm not an app developer, and for good reason. SO LET'S CROWDFUND THIS THING, FAM. THAT'S HOW THIS COUNTRY FULL OF SLACKTIVISTS AND ARMCHAIR QUARTERBACKS GETS THINGS DONE IN TWENTY FIFTEEN, BABY!
Give me your best shot in the comment section. Every Auburn-LSU match-up is an app. We can do this. Hey, go back before 2007, why don't'cha?
I'm not going to talk about the match-up here today because I've already talked about it here and Barned about it here, and everybody's buzzing enough about this game without me needing to come in and act like a big ol' football dummy talking X's and O's and scoring drives and what not.
Final Advantage: Auburn (FIELD GOALS U)
Opposing Team/Coach/Fanbase Hate Index: 6.9/10
Score Prediction: Auburn 27, LSU 23
Because where there's smoke, there's probably fire emojis, and I'll fire emoji this thing until the cows come home.
DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BARN. WAR DAMN EAGLE.