Undercover Barner

Undercover Barner: Decision 2016

This week’s Undercover Barner celebrates democracy, football, and opinions!

By peggyrossmanith@peggyrossmanith Oct 11, 2016, 10:00am CDT

My fellow football fans, welcome to the 2016 Auburn Football Elections. Or FootbAUl AUlections? JAUst kidding. SAUrry. Isn’t that AUnnoying?

What were we talking about? Oh yeah, after a long and daunting election season, it’s finally time to cast your vote and make your voice heard about everything important in orange and blue. In fact, in this age of false dichotomies, we’re making you choose between orange and blue!

For your convenience, we here at Undercover Barner Foundation for Freedom and Democracy* have done a little research and provided a short description of each candidate’s platform (if applicable--some things speak for themselves) to help you in making your decisions. While we do understand the serious nature of these questions facing our fanbase, please remember that at the end of the day, we’re still a Family © and nothing can change that**.

Signature Color

Orange

Orange wants to Make Auburn the Jungle Again.

Blue

After all the Boddas have been Getta’ed, Blue's been kicking butts since before your parents were born.

Alternate Logo

Leaping Tiger

I will eat you.

Eagle Flying through the A

I may or may not fly out of JHS.

Least Frightening Heisman Statue

Pat

Bo

Cam

Necessary Headgear

The Visor

Nearing the end of my first term, I’d just like to remind the voters of all the success we had and of the accessibility my design offers the average voter.

The Hat

Move over, visor. There’s a new sheriff in town, and that sheriff wants to cover up bald spots.

Least Controversial Question

Byron’s Smokehouse

Tommy Tuberville ate here.

Mike and Ed’s

We have curly fries.

Ghost of Price’s

We regret not serving breakfast on Saturdays***

Barn's Best Cheating, Pawl

Flooding the Field

When your biggest strength is the exact same as your opponent’s, there’s literally nothing smarter than making it harder for everyone to do that very thing by leaving the sprinklers on!

Prepaid Debit Cards

No comment.

True Spirit GIF

Smirk

When their field goals go wide left

Side eye

When someone tells you, "Roll Tide," unsolicited.

Disney Villain

Junior Rosegreen

#Never4get

Nick Fairley

Apparently Georgia fans still haven't #4gotten.

QB Tamer

Montra

I’m hungry.

Carl

I’m hungrier.

Wildest Cat

Kerryon Johnson

I have the best speed. I have very very good speed. I promise you’ll never find anyone with more speed than me, especially not Poundin Pettway.

Kamryn Pettway

I am large. I have the very best size. Ask Runnin’ Kerryon, even he’ll agree. I will run the wildest cat you've ever seen.

We’ll be up late**** tabulating these results as they come in. The particulars of our fandom depend on it.

Enjoy a stress-free week and weekend of other people’s football, Tiger fans. We return to SEC play just in time for my birthday so we’ll all celebrate accordingly when the time comes.

Until next time—War Eagle!

*And fun run for the cure

** Except for a quarterback controversy.

***Perhaps I'm projecting.

****Just kidding. They update in real time.

*****Bonus: Sorry about the janky polls. Staring a deadline in the face, I couldn't figure out how to insert more than one poll into this thing using either of SBN's articles editors.

UPDATE:

Here are the results!