My fellow football fans, welcome to the 2016 Auburn Football Elections. Or FootbAUl AUlections? JAUst kidding. SAUrry. Isn’t that AUnnoying?
What were we talking about? Oh yeah, after a long and daunting election season, it’s finally time to cast your vote and make your voice heard about everything important in orange and blue. In fact, in this age of false dichotomies, we’re making you choose between orange and blue!
For your convenience, we here at Undercover Barner Foundation for Freedom and Democracy* have done a little research and provided a short description of each candidate’s platform (if applicable--some things speak for themselves) to help you in making your decisions. While we do understand the serious nature of these questions facing our fanbase, please remember that at the end of the day, we’re still a Family © and nothing can change that**.
Orange wants to Make Auburn the Jungle Again.
After all the Boddas have been Getta’ed, Blue's been kicking butts since before your parents were born.
I will eat you.
Eagle Flying through the A
I may or may not fly out of JHS.
Least Frightening Heisman Statue
Nearing the end of my first term, I’d just like to remind the voters of all the success we had and of the accessibility my design offers the average voter.
Move over, visor. There’s a new sheriff in town, and that sheriff wants to cover up bald spots.
Least Controversial Question
Tommy Tuberville ate here.
Mike and Ed’s
We have curly fries.
Ghost of Price’s
We regret not serving breakfast on Saturdays***
Barn's Best Cheating, Pawl
Flooding the Field
When your biggest strength is the exact same as your opponent’s, there’s literally nothing smarter than making it harder for everyone to do that very thing by leaving the sprinklers on!
Prepaid Debit Cards
True Spirit GIF
When their field goals go wide left
When someone tells you, "Roll Tide," unsolicited.
Apparently Georgia fans still haven't #4gotten.
I have the best speed. I have very very good speed. I promise you’ll never find anyone with more speed than me, especially not Poundin Pettway.
I am large. I have the very best size. Ask Runnin’ Kerryon, even he’ll agree. I will run the wildest cat you've ever seen.
We’ll be up late**** tabulating these results as they come in. The particulars of our fandom depend on it.
Enjoy a stress-free week and weekend of other people’s football, Tiger fans. We return to SEC play just in time for my birthday so we’ll all celebrate accordingly when the time comes.
Until next time—War Eagle!
*And fun run for the cure
** Except for a quarterback controversy.
***Perhaps I'm projecting.
****Just kidding. They update in real time.
*****Bonus: Sorry about the janky polls. Staring a deadline in the face, I couldn't figure out how to insert more than one poll into this thing using either of SBN's articles editors.
Here are the results!