Man I love a stress-free game.
Auburn gashed its homecoming opponent, the University of Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks, on Saturday, scoring 58 points and racking up 688 yards of total offense. Auburn showed improvement on offense and continued to be stingy on defense. It was a low-pressure game that helped some young guys see the field and gave the crowd a good show.
It also offered a glimpse of just how many Davises Auburn currently has on its roster. Hint: it’s more than you thought.
For your convenience, dear reader, we here at UcB have prepared a quick guide to Auburn’s various and sundry players named Davis. Based on our extensive research (just kidding), Auburn’s Davises are the most diverse in the country, and for that, we should be proud.
Carlton is best known by opposing quarterbacks because they don’t throw to his side of the field.
Clive is the ultimate game manager, known for producing record-breaking collaborations both on and off Pat Dye Field.
Deshaun doesn’t like cowbells.
Geena was actually recruited by Auburn’s baseball team but was allowed to play both sports because of her quick reflexes and insistence on never showing emotion during games.
Javaris is the most brutal oppressor of Christians since the Roman Empire.
Kyle enjoys long strolls down the sideline and reading soft spots in zone defenses.
Marcus caught a clutch third down pass against Texas A&M in 2013, and he will live on in my heart forever literally without ever having to lift another finger.
Rece was recently greyshirted by Nick Saban due to an overabundance of hydration specialists. Auburn, quick to embrace a University of Alabama journalism alum* with no Auburn degree to speak of, welcomed him with open arms.
Ryan is following in the footsteps of all the many Auburn Ryans and Davises before him.
Sammy Davis, Jr.
Sammy is best known for his footwork and hanging out with a pretty rough pack. To quote Coach Herman Boone from Remember the Titans, "Jerry tells the jokes, Dean sings the songs, and Sammy kicks the field goals." Probably.
Stephen Davis, Jr.
Stephen, Jr., is actually a fifth** generation Auburn athlete, dating back to his great great grandfather Ezekiel Davis, starting running back for the 1892 Auburn Tigers. He will return to active duty in 2017.
Stephen Davis, Sr.
Stephen, Sr., can still be seen roaming the sidelines of Pat Dye Field, hazing his son, Stephen Davis, Jr., and reveling in his status as this Undercover Barner’s very first favorite football player.
TJ enjoys not playing for a grown man named Jimbo.
Viola Davis is the kween of everything the light touches. The fruits of her labor can be seen in Auburn’s 2010 National Championship because she knows how to get away with murder.
Whew! Who even knew we had so many Davi*** on the Plains? The more the merrier, I always say.
If you’re traveling to Starkville to watch our Tigers take on the Mississippi State Bulldogs, take along some earplugs and have a Happy Hippy at Lost Pizza Company for me. Auburn has a chance to prove itself against another SEC opponent. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the offense won’t sputter out again. I believe in them.
Until next time—War Eagle!
**This is a lie.
***Obviously we’d love to claim Auburn legend Chris Davis, but he’s currently living rent free on the roster of every Alabama fan’s memory so we had to move him to inactive status.