Undercover Barner: Come at me

Hey, Auburn shut out Alabama* this past weekend 55-0 on the arm of noted precious angel lamb Jeremy Johnson! Can you believe it? Did you ever think you’d live to see the day? What a way to send off the seniors! It was a great season, guys. Really enjoyed having everyone here, and I think we really turned a corner with discourse in the comments. Remember that time I made a typo and didn’t even pitch a fit at all? Anywho, I feel like Auburn is just one good QB and a secondary and a roster full of healthy players away from making a real run at a national championship. But that’s a worry for next year!

Well anyway, not much else to say other than see you guys at A-Day!

John Reed-USA TODAY Sports

I’m not going to be able to get away with that, am I? Guess it’s that time of year…

It's the most bothersome time of the year

After Thanksgiving yelling

And everyone telling you Sean won’t appear

It's the most bothersome time of the year

It's the crap-crappiest weekend of all

With your “friends’” Facebook sharing and Saban/Bear pairings

And you can’t even stall

It's the crap-crappiest weekend of all

There'll be tailgates for hosting

And records for boasting

And threats to make them eat crow

There'll be running back stories

And tales of the glories of the

Iron Bowls so long, long ago

Well. I mean. I guess. Okay fine…

It's the most terrible bearable time of the year

There'll be whine wine overflowing

And farts hearts will be glowing

When loved ones will sneer are near

It's the most awful tolerable time of the year

Oh it’s the most deplorable adequate time

Yes it’s the least most a-okay time…of the year!

So my alma mater is hosting my amor verus this weekend, and I guess it’s finally that time where my use of the “mute” or “unfollow” features on social media increases exponentially. Trust me, it saves friendships. Also families**?

Tbh, I’ve been struggling to provide any meaningful commentary about this game for a few weeks now. My best friends and I traveled to Baton Rouge to see Florida take on LSU in Death Valley this past weekend, and I could blame my writers’ block on Jack Daniels fatigue, but that would be “lying” or whatever. Don’t get me wrong, we had a great time and I’m absolutely exhausted, but that’s not why the well has run dry on my football sentiment. Honestly, after the election and the Georgia game and the USMNT asdkfjal;sd***, I’m not sure I have a thinkpiece on the nature of rivalry, friendship, redemption, or sportsmanship in me. And who really wants to read that right now anyway? I’m basically on a steady diet of Joe Biden memes and indignant Facebook screenshots. Non-listicles need not apply.

So where does that leave us? Your guess is as good as mine.

Look, I know I should be dreading this game. Taking on the number one team in the nation is never a small order anyway, and the list of Auburn injuries reads like the actual roster. Even if we get the majority of the starters back, how close will they be to 100%? What kind of protection can our offensive line give our poor porcelain angels? Even if Hurts hasn’t been allowed to throw all year, throwing into our secondary hasn’t really been a dangerous game for any quarterback recently. [insert more depressing things here]****. All of that is to say I know all the reasons I should be sick over this game, but I’m just not. It’ll happen and then it’ll be over and then we can go to a fun bowl that’s not in Birmingham. The past few weeks have been a series of kicks in my teeth and I’m basically dead inside so come at me, Bama.

I love this team, I especially love this defense, and I will cheer for them until time expires. “They” say the pain of losing this game is more powerful than the thrill of winning it, but I’ve lived enough years (several of them in Tuscaloosa) for the everlasting gut-punch to have faded away. I would much rather win the game, but I’m also not dreading the next 365 days if we don’t. For whatever reason, sometimes it’s not your year. Or maybe it is. I’m not counting out Carltravius or Bubba*****. Idk we’ll find out on Saturday.

In any case, I hope you all have a happy Thanksgiving, Tiger fans. We have a lot to be thankful for, including this great university community that brings such a diverse group of people together.

Auburn had a football team when Georgia was a pup/

Auburn had a football team when Tech was growin’ up/

TO HELL WITH ALABAMA AND TO HELL WITH ALL THE REST

A-U-B-U-R-N!

Until next time—War Eagle.

--

* Agricultural and Mechanical

** Daniel Carlson’s grandfather is basically Voldemort. I hope he beats them with his golden foot.

*** I don’t actually have words for the USMNT rn. And true to form, during the composition of this article, news broke that we parted ways with Klinsman. TELL HIM BOY BYE.

**** This is not an editing mistake. I am just in no mental state to keep listing the reasons we aren’t supposed to win this game.

***** Until I have to count out Bubba :(