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Undercover Barner: Through Hell and Half of Georgia

This week’s Undercover Barner still hates Georgia.

NCAA Football: Vanderbilt at Auburn Shanna Lockwood-USA TODAY Sports

So it’s been a weird season.

What began as Gus’ manic descent into indecision in week one has by week ten become another unexpected story of redemption for Tigers everyone counted out. I mean, say you saw Auburn’s current number two ranking in the SEC West coming after its dismal performance against Clemson if you want to, but you’re probably either crazy or lying. However, I’m not here to remind us of the darker days.

Because have you seen our running backs smile?

It’s just hard to be upset about much when you’ve got those large baby angels on your team. And thanks to a fortuitous Texas A&M loss, Auburn finds itself in the unlikely position of possibly sneaking into the CFP if it wins out. Now, I don’t think it’s probable, remotely likely, or even the least bit logical, but if the guys on ESPN can say it, I’ll pat us on the back with it all day long.

Yet there are very many reasons not to get ahead of ourselves, namely the near-negative likelihood of the above-scenario playing out combined with both our defensive struggles of late AND the fact that the whole offense appears to be suffering from mystery injuries*.

What we know: Auburn is currently 7-2 and second in the SEC West. It still has two more SEC games to play, one inter-divisional and one intra-divisional. Plus an Amen Corner-splitting non-con that will give our starters a break, good Lord willing and provided the creek don’t rise.

What we don’t know: How Auburn will play in literally ANY of those games.

I’d be thrilled with a New Year’s bowl after our previous identity crisis, so let’s cool the jets a little and back off the crazy playoff talk. People can see us.

What we also know: After a long an grueling season of mediocre pseudo rivalries, the Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry is finally upon us, or as I like to call it, “Cruella De Vil Appreciation Week.”

Much like last year, this year’s game against a struggling Georgia squad could arguably determine Auburn’s bowl tier. Unlike last year, however, Auburn doesn’t have the luxury of cruising into that game at Jordan-Hare. It’ll face Kirby Smart’s frustrated team between those blessed hedges and likely get the Bulldogs’ best shot. To put it mildly, this is not a game I’m comfortable with.

So instead, I’d rather compartmentalize that and think about something else: like just how much we** hate Georgia.

This is a serious question that deserves a measure of proper introspection. If you were to ask me just how much I hate Georgia, I would be limited to expressing feelings with a series of exasperated sighs, incoherent yelling about Aaron Murray not actually scoring that touchdown in 2013, and eye rolls. To properly gauge my Dwag disdain, I can only compare it to the negative feelings I have toward other awful yet unrelated things

So without further ado, here are twelve things that I like more than Georgia:

12. People who leave time on the microwave

11. Twitter’s refusal to incorporate an “edit” button

10. Facebook’s refusal to disable the “share” button

9. 11 a.m. home games***

8. Two Bits****

7. Spraining your ankle without doing anything remotely athletic

6. Episodes of Saved By the Bell with Tori in them

5. Pistachios that won’t open

4. Whoever will be coaching at Arkansas next season

3. Overcooked steaks

2. Actually having to talk to another human being on the phone

1. Avoiding talking to another human being on the phone but having to leave a voicemail

That’s right, Georgia. I like leaving voicemails and Tori better than you. Everything about you is bad and you should feel bad. What are some things you like better than Georgia? Spoiler Alert: I’m expecting ALL the things.

In all seriousness, this weekend’s game should be a good one, and if you’re making the trip to Athens, be sure to wear your orange and blue proudly. Win or lose, at least we don’t bark at people.

Until next time—War Eagle!



**And by “we,” I mean “I.”


***Alright Tiger fans, get your hands up for antiquated currency!