Gus Malzahn has never been one to hand out tons of info in press conferences. [Insert joke about sweater vests and their closeness to things here.] His favorite answers are things like "There's no doubt," and "We're gonna get better" and "No doubt." He gets abrasive if you start asking about his playbook. Or does he get take it all in stride? It's hard to tell sometimes. After all, this man has no personality.
So, with that in mind, we have to dig a little deeper into Malzahn's press conferences. If we can't take what he says at face value, that means we'll have to ZONE READ BETWEEN THE LINES.
The press conference ended with a question about Jim Harbaugh and his planned spring practices in Florida. That's right, a Michigan coach holding practices in ESS-EEE-SEE (and #goacc) country during Spring Break. The nerve. How did Gus react?
That reminds me of a time when, "I went down to the beach and saw Kiki. She was, like, all ‘ehhhh' and I was, like, ‘whatever!' Then this chick comes up to me and she's all, like, ‘Hey, aren't you that dude?' and I'm, like, ‘yeah, whatever!'"
That's right. To Malzahn, Harbaugh is little more than a typical Kiki. A Kiki on a beach that deserves no more reaction than a, "yeah, whatever." And by actually saying those words out loud, we can infer that Gus has been channeling that sense of patriotic nihilism heard in "United States of Whatever."
Why would a football coach in the state of Alabama be channeling a sense of patriotic nihilism? It's hard to say, but it might have a little something to do with SUUUPERRRRR TUUUUUUEESSDAAAYYAYAYY!!!!!
Now, we don't get political here on College and Magnolia. It's in our community guidelines for crying out loud. (Oh, it's not? We just can't be jerks? Wow, that is vague.) So I'm not gonna speculate on Gus' political leanings or what his political leanings should be or do a EVERY SEC COACH AS A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE SLIDESHOW but I can make one more inference.
Even with a strong sense that "it's just one vote" and "my vote wouldn't single-handedly change the outcome in any election," and "yeah, whatever," Gus voted. After all, this is his United States of Whatever. But it's your United States of Whatever, too. And yours. And yours and yours. Every American citizen can claim the United States of Whatever as his or her own.
But especially so if you vote. So go vote. SUUUPERRRRR TUUUUUUEESSDAAAYYAYAYY!!!!!