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History Repeating? Auburn - Lousiana-Monroe

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Can One Rich Old White Guy Beating Another at Yachting in the 1600’s Predict This Week’s Auburn Game? YOUBETCHA

LSU v Auburn
The Captain Himself
Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

History Repeating?: An Auburn fan/ "historian", attempts to predict outcomes of Auburn games by looking at seemingly unrelated historical events. A waste of time? Only if it doesn’t work.

WE BACK BABY!

After a miserable week second-third-and-fourth-guessing myself and my amateur historian powers, I was finally vindicated.

Predict the outcome of the game: CHECK

Predict the SCORE of the game within 10 points: CHECK

Predict one of the coaches would be fired: CHECK

3/3 Ain’t bad. Now, as a guy who actually likes Les Miles as a coach and weird conjurer of football spells, I am not super excited about the last prediction coming true. It stinks for football in general when everyone has to try to be as boring as possible because the most boring human alive happens to also be the most successful coach in America. At least Belichick dresses like a lost homeless person enough to make the NFL’s best coach somewhat interesting.

Oh well, last week is over. Can’t live in the past.

BUT WE CAN LEARN THE FUTURE FROM IT. (BUM BUM BUM)

The First Race From Greenwich to Gravesend

October 1, 1661, was a seemingly insignificant date in the history of the world. King Charles II had been restored to the throne in England one year prior and was making history every day. All Charles happened to do on October first was beat his brother James, Duke of York, in a race by boat from Greenwich to Gravesend.

Charles II had been in exile while Cromwell tried to rule England in his place. It was a whole big thing, but Charles was living in the Netherlands that whole time and learned to do the Dutch people’s second favorite thing: sailing. Their first favorite thing is adding vowels to words needlessly.

Charles II (the Dutch probably spelled it Chaaaaaarlees) fell in love with fast, small, yachts. In fact, he loved them so much the Dutch people just gave him one of his own, called Mary. When he got back to England and resumed Kinging the place, he got his brother into the hobby and the two of them decided to have a race.

This is the first instance of a traditional Match-Race in history. One vs one, there and back. Charles II beat him pretty severely. The English sport of Yachting had been born. From that day forward, rich white people would sail from one place to another, betting vast sums of money and laughing at how poor some people are.

The thing about a boat race is once you get enough of a lead, you can cut over in front of your competitor, making it impossible for you to be overtaken. King Charles probably knew this tactic and James was probably still trying to figure out how to steer when he was beaten. This is why boat races are super boring to watch sometimes.

Boat Drinks, however...

Auburn-ULM

October 1, 2016, will be a seemingly insignificant day in Auburn history. No one remembers the outcomes of games like this. Auburn plays a team that has beaten one FBS team in the past few years and whose biggest fan is this dope:

Dress like a tree, get cut down like a tree. Tale as old as time.

Auburn won’t waste a lot of time with LAMO. Like most boat races, Auburn will get out to an early lead and then coast into the finish. Charles II will be proud looking down on Auburn from his big boat in the sky.

This defense is so good but still has yet to be the turnover-machine it could be. That can change this weekend. I think we see a defensive touchdown to go with the already dominant and suffocating play of our defensive line. The Warhawks don’t have a guy on their team who can block two of our four defensive line starters.

Auburn will find the end zone this weekend, that is for sure. I predict John Franklin will get almost equal snaps to Sean White, simply because the Fearless Tiny QB will be watching the end of a game he won from the sideline. Kam Martin will get his first career TD.

The only winners on Saturday will be Auburn and Arkansas State because no one will remember the ASU game after this blow-out. Auburn will finish this one off, Gus will have his third win of the season, and I will be able to go to sleep before 4AM Germany Time (praise Gus).

Also, big prediction time: This time next week Auburn will have a little number next to its name on the TV. I mean, how hard can it be, Georgia is currently ranked!

Auburn boat-races em.

Charles II: 51

Stupid James: 10

In Jordan-Hare, no one can hear your duck calls.

Bonus: Good music to listen to on a boat: