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Dig deep and find your LSU hate

Hatred is a bad thing. I advise against it in every aspect of life save football. There, it can be quarantined since we'll never eliminate it entirely from our human nature. Peggy just detailed her noble reasons for not hating LSU and I applaud her for that. But for those of you willing to take the low road with me, let me explain why you should hate LSU as I do.

1. They are fair-weather

This may not be immediately obvious as their weather has been remarkably fair for 20 years now. But remember that during the 80s and most all of the 90s, LSU was always somewhere between meh and abysmal. For my entire childhood in the Bayou State, you would be hard pressed to find any public display of LSU pride outside of Baton Rouge on Saturdays. Then came Saban and LSU fans suddenly popped up everywhere. An entire generation of purple tiger fans were born with no memory of the struggles they went through believing Saban-esque levels of success to be their birthright. You can feel their entitlement if you're brave enough to visit their beloved message board Tiger Droppings (although I don't recommend it).

2. They have zero problem leaving games early

Yes, a night game in Baton Rouge is special. I can admit that. The unspoken caveat to that though is "if they stick around". Take the Troy game as a recent example but it goes back much much further. That game went down to the wire, but plenty of Tiger fans couldn't even wait until the 4th quarter to call it quits. Blowouts from the start either way are understandable, but who leaves a game that close when your team could use the support? What LSU fans really want is a party and hopefully LSU football can make their party better, but if not, they're done.

3. Tigerbaiting? Really?

If you somehow don't know, when you attend a game in Baton Rouge wearing the opponent's colors, you will be "tiger-baited". This means a grown man who should know the rules of basic human social interactions will point at you and repeatedly yell "Tiger Bait!" That this tradition is beloved by Tiger fans speaks volumes about them. The "baiter" believes he is somehow diminishing his target and elevating himself when it is clearly the other way around. Well-adjusted human beings don't indulge in voluntary Tourette's syndrome. So if you find yourself in this situation, just smile. Maybe give him a thumbs up like you would a child who does something inappropriate but you know he doesn't know any better.

4. Louisiana hates itself

Specifically, the southeastern 1/3 hates the rest of the state. "Anything north/west of Alexandria/Lafayette/I-10 is basically Texas/Arkansas/Mississippi" is phrase repeated way too much in the state. This political and social gatekeeping by the Cajuns and Yats wouldn't be so bad if it weren't so hypocritical, because despite constantly demeaning the rest of the state they still demand its absolute football loyalty. It doesn't stop LSU fans from losing their minds when some kids from Monroe go play for Alabama.

5. Whine is the state's greatest export

Whenever a critical call or flag doesn't go their way, LSU fans won't just lose their minds. They'll go apoplectic with rage. There will be thousands of posts with screen shots zoomed in at 1000x magnification. The volume on the indignation over the indisputable injustice they've suffered won't die down until the next injustice surfaces. While all fanbases do this to some extent, LSU is the master. Sure, there were some Alabama fans in 2013 who said Chris Davis stepped out of bounds, but they were a minority and it was just a momentary claim while the initial stage of denial ran its course, but denial has no end at LSU. They will argue to this day that the flag that allowed a rekick in Auburn in 2004 was bogus (despite their head coach being on the rules committee that came up with that new rule) or that a flag should have been thrown for pass interference at the end of our 2006 game. And I triple-dog dare you to ask them about the interception that should have been against Alabama in 2009.

6. They complain about having good games

I would love to play Florida again regularly. It was a great rivalry. Only LSU would complain about having such a great game on their schedule. Georgia has been every bit a thorn in our side for years, but I've heard absolutely no complaints from Lee County about having Georgia on the schedule every year.

7. 2007

They're the only 2-loss BCS champion, and those two loses came to Arkansas and Kentucky. "Well actually, Kentucky was pretty goo-". No, stop. Losing to Kentucky is always embarrassing. Every Big 6 team of the SEC should always admit that. Being "undefeated in regulation" is a line of argument only a joker like Miles could come up with and only a fanbase like LSU could take seriously.

8. As the Plains burn

Maybe I've been exaggerating about the tendencies of the LSU fanbase thus far. Surely it can't be that bad? To that, I would respond with the ultimate example of college-football conspiracy theory cult dedication: the epic thread at the aforementioned Tiger Droppings that raged for months in 2010 entitled "As the Plains Burn". Thousands of pages of posts linking Auburn with gambling rings and the FBI, and banks, and God knows what else consumed them for that season and beyond. If anyone tells you it was a joke or satire, they're lying. Folks over there took it 100% super cereal. Now message boards for every fanbase clearly skew towards their craziest fans, but LSU demonstrated with that thread that their craziest sector is on another level. But here's the real kicker about the obsession that event showed: we're not even rivals. If Alabama fans had started and fueled that firestorm, that would have been understandable since we have, ya know, historic reasons to not like each other. No such history exists between LSU and Auburn though.

9. Nick Saban did nothing wrong

Successful college coach leaves to try his hand in the NFL. His stint in the NFL doesn't work out so he comes back to the best available college job at the time. Does such a story anger you? No, probably not because you're a rational human being who sees that story for what it is: a talented professional naturally trying to do the best for himself and his career. If I were an LSU fan, I'd love Saban for what he did for my football program. Florida fans still love Spurrier after he did the exact same thing. But you see, at LSU there's an unwritten but universally understood eternal non-compete clause in every coach's contract and woe betide any man who breaks it.

10. We haven't won in Baton Rouge in 18 years

Best reason of all.

Go get this win, Auburn. Beat LSU.

We're all just trying to have a good time here. Don't be a jerk, and we won't have a problem with you. War Eagle!

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