Deep Inside the Numbers: Auburn-LaMo

“Are you gonna write the most ‘War Damn Eagle’ thing ever about football right now?” -My wife just as I sat in front of the computer.”

“Yes.”

Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Gus Malzahn’s comments after the Georgia game were...interesting. Did you guys hear them? (tune)

“O-o-o-o-o-ok.

BMW M3, Georgia just can’t check me

I’m in your two seat beamer with your ‘cruits they tryna sign me

swerve

KJ juke ya to the floor, make the stands shake

Make your rankings fall, make your khakis quake

Bring Nick Fairley out, that’s a lotta hate

Play some Soulja Boy, that’s our dance break

Sensei, Sensei, it’s like he sacked you every play-play? (Huh!)

Jarrett Stidham long pass, long passes get a big play (Huh!)

A coach named Kirby?, Guess that makes me King Dedede

(Any Auburn fans still hatin'?)

Eat crow and watch this screen play

Now we in the WaHo, I’m All-Star Specialin'

Smothered, Covered QBs? Hey thanks Marlon Davidson

Ranked pretty high, no sign of fadin’

Cause Kevin Steele’s D makes you keep puntin’”

Seriously, “we beat the dog crap out of them, didn’t we?” is my new mantra. No one has beaten Georgians like that since the Battle for Tbilisi in 1921. Georgia fans were leaving the stadium so fast, you’d think Phil Mickelson was signing autographs topless in the parking lot. Georgia’s offense looked like their PS3 controller got sticky from old Mountain Dew and now only like two buttons work. The Dawgs kept trying the same thing over and over like they had a really great insurance policy taken out on Chubb and Michel and needed one of them to cash out. Georgia fans are so salty they might try to steal extra water from Tennessee this month to stay hydrated. Let’s be honest, Mercer’s still the best team from the Peach state Auburn has played this season, Bama better buckle their chinstraps when the Bears come to town this weekend.

Is the SEC down, or is the Auburn offense actually good? Well, it can’t be an average of 43 points per game down, or the scores would look like Big 12 games each week. Auburn’s offense is terrifying this season. If you read some of the comments on this website you wouldn’t know it, but Gus Malzahn might actually know a thing or two about scoring points.

Auburn has a 1000 yard rusher for the 9th straight year. The previous SEC record was 4 seasons. Every single Gus-hater should comment on this post why that doesn’t matter so I can just reply “40-17” over and over. I’m like angry Russell Westbrook this week, just looking to dunk on everyone I see. Seriously, I’m over it. Did you know Auburn has scored the second most points in SEC play in school history? The only season Auburn scored more was 2010 when “High School” was calling plays. Man, if only he could develop quarterbacks. If only he could identify talent. If only he could take a kid who didn’t even play competitive football games last season and have him lead the SEC in passing efficiency. If only___ fill that blank in yourself and then say “Oh, right, but 40-17.”

Gus is about to have coached four of the 10 leading passers in the history of Auburn. Who is madder this week, the Gus hater or the salty Dawg? Are there actually Auburn fans who are upset Gus beat Georgia and proved them so absolutely and completely wrong? How sad for them. Living a pessimistic life is never fun. Y’all should try riding in this swagcopter I just stole from Kevin Sumlin. Me and Gus flying high above the haters. Keep calling him High School. Keep saying teams are going to figure his offense out. Keep it up. Just remember:

40-17

40-17

40-17

HT: Ryan Sterritt

Auburn plays Louisiana-Monroe for the 11th time this weekend. Auburn has a 10-0 record against the Warhawks, a program with an all-time 0-1 record in bowl games. Auburn has only been held to less than 30 points by LaMo once—in 1996 the Tigers only scored 28. The Warhawks are not going to win on Saturday.

Auburn beat ULM 31-28 in 2012. Auburn couldn’t beat a drum in 2012, yet it still managed to beat the Warhawks. Auburn’s average victory against ULM is 45-8. Ten games isn’t a small sample size, either. Ten different times, the Warhawks have walked into Jordan-Hare Stadium, and limped back after a whoopin’. It will happen again. Auburn hasn’t ever lost to a Sun Belt team, and is riding a 25 game winning streak against the south’s other conference.

Hopefully, we see Auburn play its bench a ton on Saturday. I personally would love to see Malik Willis end up as the leading passer in the game and Kam Martin the leading rusher. I don’t think the coaches are overlooking the Warhawks and I don’t see Gus holding any starters out of the game completely, but I want the second quarter to be the beginning of mop-up time.

However, even if Auburn loses this game, which it statistically can’t, I wouldn’t care. 40-17 heals all wounds, my friends. Auburn did something I only hoped it could do, but never really expected it would do. The Gus Malzahn who coached with his hair on fire is back and we should wave our Auburn Pirate flags forever in celebration.