Undercover Barner: West Georgia’s Finest

Look it’s no secret that Georgia and I don’t get along.

No not that one.

Not that one either!

Bite your tongue. That aquarium is amazing. Like top 2 probably.

They shouldn’t even get to claim this.

No one from East Alabama recognizes this logo. Next.

This one. It’s this one.

And I’ve come to realize it’s not even really the Georgia Bulldogs themselves that I find so intolerable* as much as something else, and I think you might feel the same way: I’m sick and freaking tired of losing to Georgia.

Somewhere along the way, the Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry became one-sided. Auburn has beaten Georgia all of twice in ten years**, once with one Mr. Cameron J. Newton and the other by defying gravity and several other laws of physics after blowing a twenty-point lead in ONE QUARTER***. We all remember last year’s offensive puke-fest that capped off one of the Undercover Barner’s most emotionally trying weeks in recent memory. Then there was the year before when Auburn insisted on playing quarterback roulette with a broken ginger, an interception-prone angel, and probably Chandler Cox IDK it was just bad. Somewhere back in there Bacarri Rambo was a person, and I remember cursing his name over Rod while driving on the interstate and scaring my mother.

Long story short, I’m really sick of losing to a school whose fight song is just one of our ancillary spirit songs****, especially when they’re BAD and Auburn has no business gift-wrapping victories for them. And it’s not basic gift-wrap, either. No Dollar Tree plaid paper here. It’s the big elaborate kind with ribbons and stickers, the kind people pay five extra dollars for at stores with names like Southern Crossing. Losing ultra-winnable games in the past (for mind-numbingly stupid reasons) makes this week’s upcoming matchup with the Bulldogs that much harder to stomach: For the first time in a few years, Georgia looks to be a legitimately good football team. Apparently they were good enough last week to be listed at number one in the first College Football Playoff rankings, a development I completely missed in the midst of moving and freaking out about my job. Turns out the world keeps on turning even when I’m not there to tweet about it. Go figure.

Despite showing flashes of utter incompetence, Auburn’s glimmers of brilliance this season have managed to land it back in the top 10 again. Georgia might be Auburn’s biggest test of the year to date, and I’m willing to leave that clause indefinite because I don’t have the energy to split Clemson vs. Georgia hairs right now. What you need to know is that this game is supposed to be a tough game for Auburn, a far cry from the gimme games we should’ve pocketed in the last few years.

So that’s the bad news. Here’s the good news: This slobber-knocker will be fought within the friendly confines of Jordan-Hare Stadium, hundreds of miles away from any hedges or Rambos. CBS will televise the game, which robs us of a night game but guards against a dreaded 11:00 a.m. home kickoff. Auburn will be missing Kamryn Pettway for the rest of the season, but Kam Martin reminded everyone against A&M that he’s ready and willing to go. Stidham is making better decisions AND RUNNING THE READ OPTION. Kerryon is playing inspired football and begging for the ball even at the end of the game. Darius Slayton has emerged as a deep threat. Jeff Holland is a scary, scary man. The entire defense is clicking. Special teams is *LOOK OVER THERE—A DIVERSION*. So all in all, things have looked a lot better since the LSU game. The chips will have to fall juuuust right for Auburn to come away with a win, but I believe we can do it. If Auburn has a puncher’s chance, I never bet against Auburn.

And hey, if we don’t win, we’ve still got the fire hoses.

If you’re headed to the Plains to see Kirby Smart’s ridiculous haircut, be sure to don your navy apparel! The Georgia game has been designated by the powers that be as True Blue, so don’t be that one person in orange. I know I won’t be.

Until next time—War Eagle!

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*Don’t get me wrong. I find literally nothing about them endearing. I loathe everything about their very existence. I mean not as much as Alabama, but you get my point.

**IN CASE YOU DIDN’T HEAR A MILLION TIMES LAST YEAR.

***Eat your heart out, LSU.

****That we don’t have to add an extra note to!