Late in the first quarter of the Georgia Southern game there will be a commercial break. You will wipe the chip crumbs off your lap, head to the kitchen to grab a refill on your beverage. The SEC network will return to action inexplicably while you are in the kitchen and you will miss a significant play. I know this will happen to you, because it happens to me every single game and I don’t think I’m the dumbest boy in school. If you, like me, are forced to watch the games from home due to geographical bugaboos like the Atlantic Ocean, then having your laptop open to your tweetdeck and your #AuburnTwitter list constantly updating is not just recommended—it’s a necessity. These people will let you know what you missed, will breakdown formations the coaches are showing this game, and will post tasty and timely .gifs that totally capture your emotions at any given moment. From pirouetting fullbacks to wildcat touchdowns, these tweeters let you know how to feel.
Let’s be honest: There are a lot of dumb Auburn fans on twitter. Some of them are “professional bloggers” who seem to call for the coaches’ heads incessantly and also happen to steal actually good Auburn bloggers’ ideas and repackage them as their own. Maybe their twitter name rhymes with ShmoreShmloggle, maybe it doesn’t, I don’t want to get mean.
Lucky for you, College and Mag Reader/Champion of Decency and Honor, I am here to give you the definitive list of who to follow on twitter this football season. These men and women are out there on the front lines of Twitter Dot Com, churning out content and opinions and takes on takes on takes. My list includes everything from College and Mag staff writers to actual Auburn beat reporters and everything in between.
My list has been tirelessly and expertly curated over many seasons of Auburn fandom, but I have whittled it down to 15 essential accounts every Auburn fan should follow. These are not ranked in any particular order, so don’t get your britches twisted:
If you consistently leave time on microwaves, are you a bad person or the worst person?— Peggy (@peggyrossmanith) August 6, 2017
She’s an attorney, she’s a writer of the Undercover Barner series on this fine website, and she is really good at Twitter Dot Com. Follow her and experience the range of emotions on game day from someone who just gets it.
If this is marriage I don't want it https://t.co/dLbb4cD34e— Kerryon Johnson (@AyeyoKEJO) July 24, 2017
My favorite tweeter on the football team is running back Kerryon Johnson. He won’t be able to tweet during the games, obviously, but he will give you the slice-of-life you want from an actual Auburn Player. This seems like a decent time to mention that it’s OK to follow players on twitter, but please stop tweeting at recruits. You know who you are.
Malzahn: "Overall, it was a very good day."— Jay G. Tate (@JayGTate) August 19, 2017
This might be controversial, but it shouldn’t be. Jay G. has been churning out Auburn content for a long time, first at the Montgomery paper and now with Rivals. He is a genuinely good and funny dude in real life, or at least he was nice to me back when I was in college. He doesn’t intentionally try to draw Auburn fans offsides and I don’t find his info to be as click-baity as some other Auburn beat reporters. I miss the Hottest Auburn Blog on the Net as well, and not just because I don’t want to pay for Rivals content.
The Grand Master of Auburn uniforms. Clint has spent the past few years learning and writing more about Auburn equipment than anyone else. This dude can spot a Nike Vapor Untouchable uniform template from a mile away, and opine authoritatively on Northwestern stripes.
Oregon may get the solar eclipse first, but Michael Dyer still wasn't down.— Drunk Aubie (@DrunkAubie) August 21, 2017
Drunk Aubie often seems like my superego is tweeting. I don’t know who runs this account, but whoever they are, they take Auburn football as seriously as anyone, and might have a problem.
Jackie Chan G.O.A.T.— The Juice (@thejuiceisgood) February 27, 2017
Hot take after hot take. If you follow the Juice, you will find yourself yelling at your computer screen almost as much as you will find yourself nodding in silent agreement. The Juice is....good at twitter.
If you don't understand what you're talking about, don't open your mouth and expect to be treated like a smart man.— Brandon Marcello (@bmarcello) August 23, 2017
Another actual professional sportswriter makes the list. I trust Brandon because he isn’t trying to work me into a froth with listicles and rankings I shouldn’t care about. He provides updates and content that get me through Monday-Friday and is a decent follow for rational, factual information during the games. He also doesn’t suffer fools.
Go back and read the first word from my tweets this week.— Mark P (@TheAuburner) July 7, 2017
(It doesn't say anything coherent. I just like it when people read my tweets.)
Al Borges’ biggest fan and one of the best follows on #AuburnTwitter. Come for the hot Auburn sports opinions, stay for the random chocolate milk conspiracies.
The bastion of Auburn culture. The keeper of the flame. TWER is the Auburn News of Record and is worth your time. If you don’t know, make yourself acquainted.
Etling is really, really terrible.— Jack Condon (@JackHCondon) November 6, 2016
The editor of this here site, and the guy who asked me to write this article. You should follow him on twitter and tell him you like my articles.
Saw Gary Sinise coming off Splash Mountain. https://t.co/JJZs9NWERC— Stephen D. Wadsworth (@SDWesq) August 19, 2017
Tuco is a great follow on Twitter and once saw Gary Sinise! He also tweets knowledgeably about basketball, which I find refreshing and rare in the Auburn fanbase. His articles on this site are some of my favorites, but the twitter is where he shines.
you: looks like USC might be back, guys— WarRoomEagle (@WarRoomEagle) June 16, 2017
twitter: BUT BAMA
you: how about that Whole Foods news?
twitter: BUT PUBLIX
WarRoomEagle shines during the season by giving you breakdowns of plays, tendencies and formations you didn’t notice during the game. This dude’s knowledge of the game and the x’s and o’s will make your head spin. WarRoom’s youtube account is worth following as well.
[sees Hall of Fame Game] Welcome back, football!— Jerry Hinnen (@JerryHinnen) August 4, 2017
[sees three dogs in a trench coat and fedora] Welcome back, A Person!
One of the best writers on this list. Jerry contributes at TWER, formerly CBS, and now also SEC Country and I always enjoy his well-thought-out opinions on everything from Premier league soccer to Auburn football.
Getting the text of a commitment and not having to worry about an article on it... feels so good.— Walt (@AU_GS_Walt) July 21, 2017
Former editor of College and Mag, current military man, always a good twitter follow. The first week of the season, Walt will be especially interesting as he attempts to cheer for GSU and Auburn at the same time. He is a good dude.
Can the beat guys help me out? Is there any truth to the rumors that JF3 is the new White House Director of Communications?— Aubielicious (@AubieIicious) August 15, 2017
The most abrasive, controversial, enigmatic voice in #AuburnTwitter. AubieIicious (spelled with 4 i’s) is the tweeter you need on that wall spouting truth you can’t handle. At least once a game AubieIicious fires off a tweet that makes me laugh out loud, sometimes through the tears.
There are dozens more really good members of #AuburnTwitter out there, but consider this your starter kit. If I didn’t mention you or your favorite account, don’t @ me, bro. Just comment on this article with someone else people need to follow. This is interactive, y’all. If someone on this list offends you or you think they are bad at Twitter Dot Com, then be happy you have an opinion of your own! You can rest in the knowledge of your own existence and validity in the universe. Also, be sure to follow @collegeandmag, but that should go without saying.