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Undercover Barner: Back at it again

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This week’s Undercover Barner gives 2017 a progress report your parents will have to sign and return.

Shanna Lockwood-USA TODAY Sports

Hey guess what.

We can all exhale: our long regional nightmare is finally over. After a turbulent offseason, the most unifying force known to man is finally within sight: Auburn Football.

Seriously, with red states and blue states at each other’s throats, it’s good to know that the only red* versus blue fight we’ll have to worry about this November is the Iron Bowl.

What even happened in the offseason? I can’t decide if it was quick or unbearably slow, seeming like equal parts intense blur and molasses pouring contest. That’s a thing, right? Point being, it’s been a minute since our last heart to heart.

When last we spoke, Auburn was headed into an improbable Sugar Bowl bid against the fighting Joe Mixons (wait- isnt that redundant?). We all know how that turned out. And we don’t have to talk about it. Seriously.

Accordingly, we’ve all grown as both people and sports fans, right? Something something adversity or whatever.

Anyway, if I remember correctly, we made some resolutions for the new fresh year of 2017. And by “we,” I mean “I.” We/I read somewhere** that 80% of New Year’s resolutions fail by February and 93% fail entirely. Let’s check on ours/mine and see how we/I’ve done:

In 2017, I resolved to …

...Follow more players’ moms on twitter

As soon as in-game live tweeting ramps up and the best mom tweets find their way into my TL, I promise to share them all with you. There’s nothing like a proud mama bear.

...Never to participate in Two Bits because it’s a ridiculous waste of time

No worries there.

...Always remember to #buckleup and never turn off an Auburn basketball game before the clock reads 00:00.

I cant promise that I did this one. But here’s a pleasant distraction/diversion! Look over there!

...Appreciate healthy players more because when half your roster is injured, it’s no fun

I’ve been lighting prayer candles for Bubba’s hamstrings, Kerryon’s ankles, and Jarrett Stidham’s entire person all offseason. If we can just wrap them in bubble wrap and float them on clouds for the next four months, that would be great.

....Never to forget to make fun of Lane Kiffin just because he's at FAU or wherever

More like Vain Kiffin, amirite? Whatever. I’ll keep working on it.

...Tweet less about Donald Trump for the benefit of everyone’s timeline but also because it will probably be illegal soon.

Eh, you win some, you lose some.

...Use more products made by the companies that sponsor Auburn Athletics.

If your Fourth of July cookout didn’t include Carolina Pride, do you even Auburn?

...Learn all of the Davises as long as they don’t change numbers

Carlton, Kyle, Ryan, Deshaun, and Javaris. The gang’s all here!

...Not to write any odes to opposing coaches. Probably.

If we’re being honest, I’m not *not* currently in the process of writing a song for Coach O. I’ll keep you posted.

And finally, I resolve to use more GIFs. Because, ya know.

DONE AND DONE.

2017 has been a whirlwind of ridiculous so far, so it looks like we’re moving through it right on schedule.

What else has happened while we were away?

Gus finally took some positive steps by both handing over the offensive reins to an actual coordinator AND naming a starting quarterback before the third quarter of the second game of the season.

Auburn had another pretty solid Top 10 recruiting class. Looking forward to adopting a new child!

I moved to Bammerham, which technically means I’m undercover again. I’m already looking for the best places to watch our games with like-minded folk*** so any suggestions on that front are welcome.

And Auburn’s softball program came under some scrutiny for allegedly fostering a disgusting environment of sexual harassment and intimidation. If even half of the allegations are true, it’s time to clean house and make this right. I’ve said my piece on twitter, so for a much more eloquent look at what’s happening with Auburn Softball, read Tuco’s piece here. Seriously, read it.

If you’re heading to the Plains this weekend to see our Tigers take on a former CaM editor’s alma mater, do wear your finest orange. I’ll be there with you to cheer on our men in their dress blues, my vote for the finest uniform in all of college football. It’s time to protect our house again, Tiger fans.

If you’re keeping score at home, this is the sixth season of Undercover Barner, a ridiculous experiment that probably wasn’t meant to last past my law school tenure in Tuscaloosa****. Thanks for clicking that tweet link for another year. I’m not totally sure what our team is going to look like, but I do think we’re in for a fun ride.

Until next time—War Eagle!

—-

* Don’t @ me.

** On the internet so it has to be true!

*** This is one particular echo chamber I don’t mind.

**** You know, when I was actually undercover.

BONUS ADDENDUM:

***** I’m sure by now you’ve seen the heartbreaking pictures coming out of Houston of our nation’s fourth largest city underwater and bracing for even more rain. While there are very few silver linings in hurricane clouds, a small one is that crises can bring out the best in people. If you’re considering donating money to help with the relief effort, please consider giving to organizations other than the Red Cross, where a smaller percentage of the donations goes to the actual relief effort. Instead, consider donating to any of the greater Houston area’s local food banks or peruse this article for a list of alternatives. Our hearts are with you, Houston.