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Undercover Barner: Home Improvement

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This week’s Undercover Barner is willing to make a deal.

NCAA Football: Mercer at Auburn John Reed-USA TODAY Sports

Auburn won its homecoming game this past Saturday night and is 2-1 on the season! That’s the whole story, right? Nothing else to see here.

Look, I’m not going to pretend like it was super fun to watch Auburn struggle with Mercer. And I can’t imagine it’s fun to read about Auburn struggling with Mercer. Believe me, it’s not any fun to write about it either.

So let’s make a deal.

I won’t write it, and you won’t have to read it. What do you say?

Perfect. This week’s post is going to focus on improving our mental and physical health. No negativity*.

Before Martha Stewart was a hardened white collar criminal, she was the queen of sophistication and general-life-togetherness. She had a segment on her show called “Good Things,” in which she would tell her audience about a product or a tip that would improve their lives or their homes.

As a tribute to my favorite fabulous felon, we proudly present Undercover Barner’s Official Good Things (c) of 2017:

Hamilton

Look, I know Hamilton was all the rage two years ago, but I’m usually ten years late to important cultural and entertainment phenomena so I’m really ahead of the curve on this one. Hamilton is great because it’s educational, cathartic, relevant, and just plain amazing. You really can find an appropriate Hamilton reference for just about any situation you encounter:

Plus your friends will love the constant humming/whistling/shower-singing that comes along with finally downloading the soundtrack legally.

Marshawn Lynch just in general

Like as a human being. He is one of our best ones. Top Five for sure. I just want to eat Skittles and play XBox with him forever.

Totchos

There’s a really great restaurant around the corner from our apartment called Rojo. They serve a variety of food but my favorite has got to be their Frankenstein tater tot/nacho creation, Totchos. It’s basically all you favorite nacho toppings on top of tater tots, so how could it be bad? This past weekend, to dull the pain of a less than stellar football Saturday, the roommate and I made our own version of Rojo’s Totchos, and we were not disappointed. If you’re looking for a new party food or just an above average comfort food, totchos are the way to go.

Wonder Woman

“What I do is not up to you.” Damn right, girl.

Walgreens Wine

When you’re not yet raking in the big bucks, #weekdaywine is definitely a thing, and I’ve found my new favorite one at Walgreens. It’s called Looking Glass, and it’s $4 per bottle. It sounds weird, but it’s actually good. You could spend twice the amount on a cheap #weekdaywine and get one that doesn’t taste half as good, but why? Plus when you buy four or more bottles at a time, you get a nifty wine caddy and a cool 10% off each bottle. Allegedly. I’ve heard. From a friend. Or something.

Dogs

Because they’re wonderful, and we don’t deserve them.

Joggers

Not the people, the pants. Tardy to the party once again, I’ve only recently discovered these wonderful comfort creations. They’re essentially slim-fitting sweatpants, and I would give at least one limb or several digits for them to be courtroom-appropriate. Really, I’m never taking them off.

Really Awful Twitter Accounts

No not mine. I’m talking about the ones that retweet a bunch of ads for products that either have zero chance of working or are actual viruses but their actual content is so ridiculous it’s hysterical. Sims Problems, Medieval Reactions, Sincerely Tumblr—the gang’s all here!

Water

Idk when I became the hydration police**, but one day I realized I devote a not insignificant amount of my interpersonal interactions to making sure the people in my life are drinking enough water. Headache? Have you had enough water today? Bad mood? Let me get you a nice refreshing glass of H2O! Hard day at the office? Have you thought about getting a Nalgene bottle to keep on your desk? I’ve really found... Lost FIVE turnovers to an FCS school? I know just the thing. It’s whiskey***.

Jarrett Stidham’s Accuracy

NCAA Football: Auburn at Clemson Jeremy Brevard-USA TODAY Sports

Okay, so maybe I crossed my fingers a little when I said I wouldn’t talk about this past Saturday’s game. But as ugly as 95% of it was, one thing that stood out was Stidham making progress at being able to get rid of the ball. Yes, I know he won’t have that kind of time against an SEC defense, but Stidham went from totally confused and seemingly unable to see the field to moving through his progressions and completing 32 of his 37 passes for 364 yards and having the second-best single-game completion percentage in SEC history (with a minimum of 30 completions). YEAH BUT IT WAS MERCER. Right, but no negativity, remember?

There you have it, Tiger fans. From my world to yours, these are the Good Things (c) I think will enrich your life and help you cope with whatever the sports world can throw at you in the coming weeks.

If you’re making the trip to Columbia**** to see our Tigers open SEC action against their Tigers, wear something lucky from 2013. The offense needs all the help it can get. I have less than no idea of how this game will go, but I know it’ll look vastly different than the last time these two teams faced off. Hopefully the result will be the same, though.

Until next time—War Eagle!


*There’s plenty of negativity heading our way in coming weeks.

**On a serious note, you should probably be drinking more water.

***I like to think that small bit of negativity, strictly forbidden in this space, is negated by the whiskey.

****The Missouri one