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Coach Malzahn Reviews the Clemson Win

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In Which Coachspeak Describes the Improbable

Alabama A&M v Auburn Photo by Michael Chang/Getty Images

We at College and Mag love Coach Malzahn and wish him nothing but the best. It has to be said, however that Gus is a master of coachspeak. His answers are designed to minimize the amount of information publicly available about the team. When asked if the Kick Six was his biggest win, he said in his natural even voice “I've got a lot of emotion right now. You know it ranks up there right now, and I will probably be able to answer that better tomorrow. Huge win against our rival to go to the SEC Championship playing at home in front of our fans. (Kristi says “just say yes”) Yes. Probably so, I’ll say probably so.”

This week, Gus Malzahn did something remarkable: he confirmed that Kerryon Johnson was injured.

By Gus’s standards this was pretty forthcoming, actually.

(Don’t worry about Kerryon, he has other ways of getting around.)

We at College and Magnolia have a time machine. We only use it in cases of emergencies. Last night I made two trips, one to last Thursday so I could pay my phone bill on time and one to see Coach Malzahn’s press conference after

[SPOILER ALERT]

Auburn’s 35-33 last second win over Clemson this Saturday.

“Coach, Kerryon Johnson suffered a non-contact injury last week. Why did you play him this week?”

“It was a game-time decision. We taped him up and he was moving pretty good.”

“Coach, you taped him to a dragon.”

“Our trainers did a good job getting him ready.”

“Does the NCAA allow players to ride mythological beasts?”

“We did some research on that and it’s a gray area.”

“When Kerryon said that hypothetically he was riding Smaug, we thought he was being funny.”

“We talk to our players about keeping information private. Kerryon should have known better than to let that slip. Brent Venables does a lot of Google research, I’m surprised he didn’t dress out an archer to slow down the attack. We’ll have a talk with Kerryon this week on privacy.”

“After Kerryon rode Smaug for 353 yards, four touchdowns, and three eaten Clemson defenders in the first half, why did you get away from it in the second half?”

“We like to mix up our playcalling. Keep it unpredictable. We were proud of the way our other players performed.”

“Coach, any comment on that play in the third quarter where Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, and the rest of the Four Horsemen came out of the stands to assault Jarrett Stidham?”

“You’ve got to be ready for anything. We’ve run that look a few times in practice and felt we were ready to respond.”

“Wait, you practice plays with off the field invaders?”

“After Tommy Lewis got Dicky Maegle in the ‘54 Cotton Bowl, every team does. We could have handled the steel chair better.”

“Coach, turn with me now to the fourth quarter and the last-second, game-winning kickoff return . . . there’s no easy way to describe this but . . . did Noah Igbinoghene literally sprout wings and fly?”

“We came in this season knowing that he would likely contribute. We’ve followed him closely since his days at Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters. This was something we worked on all week. Glad it worked out.”

“Coach, any thoughts on Mercer?”

“Probably our biggest challenge of the season, they do a lot of things well.”

“Gus, is this a Waffle House night?”

“Probably. I’ll say probably.”

“Thanks for your time, Coach.”

“Thank you.”