Me: Well Aubie, I guess we are still doing this. I mean this column is about as well received as one of Stidham’s passes at this point, but I think it is best to press on.
Aubie: Hey, don’t get too down on yourself. At least you won’t spend every waking hour refreshing to see how many pageviews you get this week.
Me: I….I don’t do that. Anyway, let’s get on with it shall we? What miserable wretch are we interviewing? Some gas station attendant or something?
Aubie: No, I went back in time in the Jacobs-Dye Time Machine With the Biggest Screen in the Land and actually made a new best friend. I brought him here to cheer you right up.
Me: Oh! It’s finally a serious guest who knows a lot about football, I bet!
Aubie: It’s French Existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre!
JPS: bonjour les malheureux hommes
Me: Mr Sartre, with all do respect, you’re gonna need to use your English
JPS: Je sui... I am sorry, I will do my best to meet you in your loneliness. Although, If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company.
Aubie: Isn’t this guy a blast!?
Me: Ok, Mr. Sartre. Auburn fans have been very disappointed this season, but some have said we had unnecessarily high expectations. What do you know about sadness?
JPS: Life begins on the other side of despair.
Me: So does that mean you think the offense will get it together this week?
JPS: Only the guy who isn’t rowing has time to rock the boat... Every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance.
Aubie: haha oh man this guy gets me.
Me: Aubie, I don’t think he is making jokes—I think he is staring into the void of meaninglessness that is the Auburn offense.
JPS: You must discern the true essence of this offense to which you refer. Because, as we should all agree, existence preceeds essence. Although, this true essence may in fact result in divergent values and meanings for each individual engaged in such an endeavor.
Me: the offense sucks. That’s it’s essence. It is supposed to be good, but isn’t. The line doesn’t block well, the QB and receivers aren’t on the same page, it’s madness.
JPS: Like all dreamers, I mistook disenchantment for truth.
Aubie: Someone’s a real Debbie Downer, Crow
Me: What’s that even mean Sartre!?
Me: Aubie, this is no time for your sunshine pumping either.
JPS: your cynicism is a symptom of your illness, your disease. You are a free man, and man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does. And do not forget that freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.
Me: If I hear Gus take responsibility one more time…
Aubie: There’s still time! The offense can change, it has the freedom to get better!
JPS: It would seem that to this... Gus... everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Me: Or run the dang ball.
Aubie: You guys are bumming me out. And what is that, like, your 10th espresso at this point Jean-Paul?
Me: Welcome to the club, Aubie. Me and JPS understand the meaninglessness of all of this.
JPS: In your analysis and attempt to understand your consternation, do not forget that when the rich wage war it’s the poor who die. Meaning, of course, that this Gus has engaged in an endeavor that has ended in your proverbial death.
Me: $49 million bucks man.
Aubie: Shut up both of you. Crow, you aren’t paying Gus any of that money so you don’t get to complain about it. It was market value. Sartre, first of all put, out your cigarette it is 2018 and no one smokes inside of Waffle Houses anymore. Secondly, most of what you said is like an emo philosophy major trying to sound smart and has zero relation to Auburn.
Me: Aubie, look--
Aubie: Crow, shut it. What happened to you? You were the sunshine pumpin’ chosen one, man. You were the king of the rose colored glasses crowd. Nothing could phase you. Now you’re just some old sad sack fan.
Me: I guess the State game made me a realist.
Aubie: Well snap out of it!
JPS: Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.
Me: Sounds like the Arkansas game.
Aubie: A win is a win Sartre. And when we beat Tennessee, it will count the same in the standings as a win over Alabama would. Crow, just make it to Sunday man, I promise you’ll feel better.
Me: Sartre, Thank you for being here. It was meaningful I think.
JPS: If you are not already dead, forgive. Rancor is heavy, it is worldly; leave it on earth: die light.
Aubie: We are NOT best friends anymore, Jean Paul.