Me: I really don’t want to be here, but Jack is making me at this point so let’s get it over with. Another week, another opportunity to watch tragedy unfold in front of us, eh Aubie?
Aubie: I’m not doing this if you are going to be so sad
Me: Ok, ok, you’re right. This is just one bad year after all and we could salvage some semblance of a good season after this week. Let’s do a straight preview, then. Who do you have for us this week?
Aubie: Well, I met a guy in front of Guthries who has some hot takes and seems to know a lot of inside info. He’s Auburn Message Board guy DyedTubBlue1856!
DyedTubBlue1856: sup sunshine pumpers?
Me: Not much Blue, also we really aren’t that pumpy around here these da--
DyedTubBlue1856: There is nothing more emblematic of a sunshine pumper than pretending this year could be anything other than an abject disaster. I’d rather be a KENTUCKY fan than a dang Auburn fan at this point. Even Maryland was able to beat a team like Texas this year, and they had a murderer coaching them not three months ago.
Aubie: you don’t sound like a lot of fun anymore.
Me: Hey man, whatever you want to say about us, don’t pretend you knew this year was going to be this bad.
DyedTubBlue1856: I know a guy that owns a business near campus and he’s privy to a lot of info that he passes along to me. He told me that the alumni association board is freaking sick of our high school coach and is ready to cut ties and has been since Cam left. Anybody that couldn’t see this coming is a moron. We can’t even get our equipment right. We aren’t wearing TRUE AUBURN colors even! The orange is all wrong and being a UA school is a joke. I tell ya what Bo knows, BO KNOWS that you stick with freaking Nike. Look at what company made his shoes... NIKE, not UA. But what does AD Greene do? All out UA, freaking everywhere. Bullcrap colors and stupid bull crap slippery cleats.
Aubie: ‘Since Cam left’ is a long time and also a weird claim. Plus what if he beats Ole Miss this week? AND I LIKE MY UNDER ARMOUR STUFF
Me: If every “insider” is as inside as you guys all claim you are, then Auburn worse at keeping secrets than an 11 year old whose dad told him not to tell his mom they went to see Jurassic Park instead of the library.
DyedTubBlue1856: I can’t speak for anybody else, but my guy was a business major with some pretty big donors that have a lot of influence in the athletic department and he shoots me straight. It is the real deal.
Me: The cleats aren’t more slippery than other cleats you dope. Cam wears Under Armour and you don’t see him slipping everywhere
Aubie: Crow, don’t call names. you’re going to his level. His stupid, ill-informed, fake-power-hungry level.
DyedTubBlue1856: And even if we beat Ole Miss, who cares? We already lost to the little sisters of the poor in Starkville. Hey! And How would you even know. Cam probably gets his cleats special made, the kind you can’t actually go buy. UA has to do it because they know their production stuff sucks.
Me: Yeah Mississippi State and Tennessee are glaringly bad losses. The cleats thing seems like you are looking for things to be mad about though. But if we beat Ole Miss then the idea of a 7-5 season comes into play.
Aubie: yeah 7-5 doesn’t seem so awful after this start
DyedTubBlue1856: OF COURSE YOU’D THINK THAT. This isn’t freaking Oxford, this is Auburn ALABAMA. Just because you’ll accept mediocrity doesn’t mean the rest of us should. If Bama can do it so can we. What next? We either don’t fire Gus or we do and hire some doofus like Chump Kelly from UCLA... WHO SUCKS! Of course, JABA. Anyway, I had a mod over at 247 PM me and tell me that we are putting together Gus’ buyout and that we’re going full bore after Dabo. Mark it down, calling it.
Me: Gosh your takes are hot. Ok where do I start? Alabama might be on the greatest run in the history of the sport so it may not be super replicable, which is what “greatest in the history of the sport” would denote. Also, I feel like a lot of you jagaloons wanted Chip Kelly a few years ago. But now he sucks I guess.
Aubie: Yeah 7-5 isn’t a great season historically, but I don’t know if it is worth getting riled up about you trash person
Me: Get ‘em Aubie!
DyedTubBlue1856: You would know about trash you UA schill.
Aubie: Jeez you have a ton of inside info Woodward, whose your Deep Throat, the guy at the Mapco who you buy Marlboro lights from?
Me: Bama shill? You know he’s literally the auburn mascot, right?
DyedTubBlue1856: If he doesn’t see the problem, then he IS the problem
Me: You don’t think the problem might stem from a hyper-aggressive fan base with unrealistic expectations heightened by the success of their closest rivals?
Aubie: Those words are probably too big for Mr Blue here, Crow. Hey Blue, he is saying you are bad and you should feel bad!
DyedTubBlue1856: Well, y’all are just blinded by the sunshine. The sunshine being pumped by your chief awful officer, Gus Malsuck. How am I the bad guy for wanting Auburn to be what it was born to be? You can keep your gimmicky high school offense and be a fan of Louisiana Monroe or something. Might as well re-hire Tuberville while we’re at it, at least his teams competed. I’m going to keep holding our boys to a high standard. Fans like you are why we lose.
Aubie: that or we don’t score as many points as the other team.
Me: Blue, I respect your commitment to your delusion. What do you think the future holds for this program this week? Does Auburn’s defense play well agains the NFL-quality wideouts of Ole Miss or not?
DyedTubBlue1856: If Gus runs out that same crap offensive scheme again this week it doesn’t matter what the defense does. Stidham will spend the whole game on his back and Gus still won’t know how to use our running backs. The defense will have to have a pick six, a scoop and score, and 14 sacks to overcome the misery that is our offense
Aubie: Have you ever thought about doing something else besides watching football on Saturday?
DyedTubBlue1856: I’m not from Europe
Me: Right. Ok, Blue, can I ask you an honest question? Did you like Malzahn after last season?
DyedTubBlue1856: Last year was an anomaly, we got lucky and were overlooked. Gus got away with his gimmicks and his players were able to overcome Gus’ dumb brain with sheer grit and God given talent.
Aubie: Ok, so basically when he wins it’s luck and when he loses it is predictable.
Me: Can I ask you, could it be that you just don’t like the way his offense “looks” even when it works?
DyedTubBlue1856: How could I ever like the offense since it is always losing? If I can pick apart his scheme, you don’t think Saban can?
Me: You’re a real piece of work, man.
Aubie: I don’t even want to watch the game now because I will be thinking about this idiot watching it too and I don’t want to do things he does.
Me: Aubie you have to go, you’re Aubie.
Aubie: DyedTubBlue1856 is just…he’s just so dumb Crow.
Me: I know. But we are a family or something.
Aubie: Don’t give me that family stuff Crow. If we were a family we would be the dumbest bunch of drunk uncles in the history of thanksgiving.
Me: Maybe we are just taking all of this too seriously Aubie, just go have fun on Saturday.
Aubie: Gosh basketball season can’t get here fast enough.