Me: Ok Aubie, Auburn is 4-1, ranked eighth in the nation, but the fanbase is growing restless. We need a big win this weekend to calm people down.
Aubie: Yeah you’re right. My nerves have been all out of whack recently.
Me: I know what you mean. I hope you have a serious guest for us on this roundtable. People have been complaining.
Aubie: No they haven’t. That would require them to read this nonsense.
Me: Be nice. Live the Creed. Ok, who do we have this week, Aubie?
Aubie: Well, we have a MSU fan straight from Starkville, MS, Mr Fred McDurst
Me: OK. uh, Welcome Fred. What do you do for a living there?
Fred: Hey there ol’ Crow, that’s my favorite band to jam out to by the way. I always put on Wagon Wheel at every bar I go to. I run the best dang vape shop in Starkvegas. It’s called StarkVape-us and We sell like every flippin kinda vape you’d want
Me: Of course it is.
Fred: Some folks go down to Hail Vape, but they suck
Aubie: hey bro, you got grape for my juul
Fred: Which type of grape? Dimetap or Grape Crush?
Me: Aubie, c’mon that’s not setting a good example for the kids.
Aubie: LET ME LIVE CROW
Fred: Lemme hook you up tiger face
Me: Fred, Auburn and MSU have developed some bad blood over the years, why do you think that is
Fred: Cuz Auburn is a bunch of cheats. Always paying the refs to get ‘em to the Iron Bowl in the top ten. Gotta line their coffers and what not.
Me: I feel like accusing other schools of cheating is as Mississippi State as cowbells and chain restaurants.
Aubie: If we are supposed to be paying refs this season, that guy forgot to do that (edited)
Me: What can you tell me about your team this year
Fred: Our QB sitiashon [sic] is iffy, but it don’t matter. Just gotta get ol’ Nicky Fitz used to the new O and we’ll be off. The O’ lines been struggling but I’ve got it on good word that we did some extra Oklahoma drills this week and that’s got the fire goin’ in their bellies. Don’t even hafta worry ‘bout the defense none. Auburn can’t run the ball anyhow, so we’ll just sack ‘em and stack’em.
Me: sounds like you’re pretty confident in your team
Fred: Why wouldn’t I be? We’ve got that Hail spirit and the best danged fans in the country. Ain’t nobody ringin’ louder than Hail STATE!
(forty seconds of cowbell ringing)
Me: is that a cowbell with a vape pen built into the handle?
Fred: You bet your butt it is. I have a guy that makes ‘em special just for me. That way you can kill two birds with one puff.
Aubie: I bet you hope this new coaching hire doesn’t go up in smoke
Aubie: If you think you’re going to beat Auburn you better not hold your breath
Fred: Coach Moorhead sure is welcome to come on down and get into some smoke at StarkVape. Free vapes for Coaches and Players—gotta buy your own juice though
Me: That’s a great policy you’ve got there.
Aubie: Coach Moorhead, that’s the second fakest name I’ve heard since Fred McDurst.
Me: C’mon, no Moorhead jokes.
Aubie: Joe Moorhead looks like a character from the Sims
Fred: Shoot man, fake cuz he’s the real McCoy. Too good to be true. Just gotta get through them growing pains.
Me: Fred, what is your prediction for the game?
Aubie: What’s your favorite restaurant in Starkville and why is it Buffalo Wild Wings?
Fred: I see it as a real gritty game, but Auburns goin’ down 61-19 cuz State gets it rollin’ and locks down that plainsman run game. My favorite wings at BW3 is definitely half asian zing and half teriyaki cuz I’m planning on going to Thailand later this year and getting a girlfriend. Gotta immerse myself in her culture, yaknow?
Me: thanks for joining us, Fred. I can honestly say you’re the most Mississippi State person I’ve met this week.
Fred: You got it man, take a look at the different juice types on your way out and let me know if you see anything you like. I’ll give you 17% off
Aubie: for real man?
Me: Aubie c’mon.