Me: Hey Aubie, big win last week! There’s a bit of hope around the more rational members of the fanbase after that win. I know some are still claiming the program is burning to the ground, but most of us have some hope.
Aubie: You’re right, Crow. I was so excited after that win I unblocked AUFamily.
Me: Wow you must have been feeling good.
Aubie: I re-blocked them almost immediately. Just couldn’t take it.
Me: Understandable. So who did you bring this week?
Aubie: A guy I met at the golf cart dealership, he’s a real Georgia fan. Crow, meet Jackson Franklin
Chip: What’s up ya boners!? Y’all can call me Chip, all my friends call me Chip cuz I ball out like Chipper Jones.
Me: Chip Franklin?
Aubie: Hey Chip.
Chip: (flipping hair out of his eyes) What’s crackin’ Aubster?
Me: so how is the Georgia fanbase dealing with this season so far? Still optimistic about your chances of repeating as SEC champs?
Chip: Well Crowdaddy, its like my main man Dave always says (reaches into back pocket and pulls out a can of Grizzly Mint Pouches) You’ve got your ball, You’ve got your chain, Tied to me tight tie me up again. Just like always, we gotta deal with somma them injuries, but Kirby’s gonna bring us back to the promised land. Magic happens between those hedges.
Me: So….Georgia fans have a domination fetish? I’m confused
Aubie: Kirby is the dumbest coach name in a conference with a Jimbo and a Gus
Chip: Listen up Auberinster, (flips hair out of his eyes and places three pouches under his bottom lip) the Kirb-meister is tied to the victories, they’re his spirit animal, tied right up against his heart. Into his heart those wins will beat again, sweet like candy to my soul
Me: hey man, could you not clean your golf spikes in here?
Chip: Now that we’ve got that Richt boner outta here we aren’t a Program cutting the corners, Loose end, loose end, cut, cut, On the fence, could not to offend, Cut, cut, cut, cut
Aubie: Do you just speak in Dave Matthews lyrics?
Chip: How could you even ask me to not clean my spikes in here? How the heck else am I gonna crush my 2 pm tee time with Coach Tom?
Me: coach tom?
Chip: If I’m speaking in lyrics I don’t even know it my man, DMB is my main man. You mean you don’t know Coach Tom? (Flips hair out of his eyes and spits on the floor) Only the best freaking high school baseball coach in Marietta?
Me: No. I don’t know Coach Tom. Was he your coach?
Aubie: You really are a terrible person.
Chip: You got an old Coke bottle lying around here? Yeah man, flippin’ Coach Tom at The Walker School in Marietta was my varsity baseball coach. Dude took us to the freaking state championship my sophomore and senior year. I played right field sophomore year and then senior year I was playin third base cuz of how me and Chipper are like basically the same players and I batted .330
Me: How old are you?
Chip: I’m 38 years young Crowdaddy, and I’m freakin crushin it.
Aubie: 38 and talking about success that happened more than twenty years ago? That checks out Georgia fan
Chip: Can’t argue with .330 baby, plus I got Chipper to sign my glove from senior year, so...
Me: I really don’t care. So what is UGA’s game plan Saturday
(Chip pulls two of the pouches out of his mouth and replaces them with fresh ones)
Chip: When all the little ants are marching Red and black antennae waving They all do it the same They all do it the same way. Same as always baby, run them backs into space, toss some balls over the top. Red and black waving
Aubie: are you dipping those pouches or just sucking on them like jolly ranchers?
Me: Yeah, that is gross.
Aubie: Do you have a single thought that isn’t a dave lyric?
Chip: You ever had one of these Grizzly Mints before, they’re the effing best. Don’t even have to spit half the time cuz they’re so sweet. If Dave didn’t write it, is it even worth saying? My boy Tucker tried to play something other than our Friday night DMB tailgating mix last week and I punched him right in the ear. Can’t mess with tradition. Gotta start with Ants Marching, then Crash into Me, then Satellite, then we put his entire discography on shuffle. Freaking golden my man.
Me: That tailgate sounds like fresh Hell. Just….try to talk about the football game
Aubie: Coming from you, Crow, that means a lot.
Me: I know….I know.
Aubie: Chip, do you think the Georgia defense can stop the run the way A&M did?
Chip: The d-line sees the best running backs in the world each week in practice, how could we not? They’re crushin it this year.
Me: I mean your run D isn’t the best in terms of statistics
Aubie: Did you know our OC is also a Chip?
Chip: Stats are just lies that those ESPN boners lean on cuz they don’t get the game. Your Chip is fake news compared to me too. Anyway, did y’all see my M3 out front? Georgia red baby, crushin it. It even has room for two pairs of clubs in the trunk.
Me: so four clubs?
Chip: No Crowzilla, (pulls golf tee out of his pocket and starts picking his teeth) two sets ya boner
Aubie: pretty nice car. what do you do for a living?
Chip: You should have seen it last Sunday morning, I hit my tee shot on the 11th onto the fringe on a freakin par 4, it was nuts. Freakin crushin it. I’m in sales. Hit my quarterly numbers twice over before anybody else even made two sales. Bunch of freaking slackers. I closed six deals in four rounds of golf. Like a champ. That’s just how it goes when you’re a scratch golfer though. Y’know what I’m sayin? Lol.
Me: man you’re unstoppable
Chip: That’s just how it go for ol’ Chip (flips hair out of eyes and spits on the floor again)
Aubie: you couldn’t sell me the flu if you sneezed in my mouth.
Me: I really want to beat Georgia so this guy is sad, Aubie.
Aubie: What do you sell, cheap cologne and your dads money?
Chip: We’re in hard goods
Chip: Hey Bro, I don’t speak French, I clepped out of Spanish so I didn’t even have to do any foreign languages
Aubie: look We are out of time, but just know I hate you and your school and your team and your parents.
Me: That’s harsh Aubie, but I have to agree
Chip: If I’ve gone overboard
Then I’m begging you
To forgive me....DAVE BABY!
Me: dave. baby.