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Two Visors Pt. 1

A re-telling of the recent Gus Malzahn saga.

With today being Christmas Day, and The Greatest Story Ever Told ringing true throughout households worldwide, it’s time for a rebranding of another classic tale. I give you Two Cathedrals, and apologize for the crude amateurism of the GIFs that you are about to see.


As another regular season comes to a close, and a defeat to the rolling machine that is Alabama rings steadily in the minds of Auburn fans everywhere, things have become tense.

The promises and dreams of a championship season are long gone, dashed before the leaves turned. It’s not the first time that this has happened, but in the eyes of many, it needs to be the last.

Gus Malzahn has just completed his sixth regular season on the Plains, and despite the fantastic successes of yesteryear, there are those that believe he’s begun to wear out his welcome. Since the fabulous debut season in 2013, there have been two preseason top-ten falls from grace, two double-digit leads blown against LSU, and an ever-present behemoth three hours away applying constant pressure. He needs some guidance, he needs to clear his head, and he needs to vent some frustration, so he visits the only place that will allow him to speak freely — a house of the Lord.

Once inside and alone, Gus is in the clear to open up. He has the floor and his audience is all ears.

Gus: “You’re a son of a gun, you know that?”

“You give me another top ten start only for us to lose five games? What... was that supposed to be funny?”

“‘There’s gonna be a lotta days when you lay your guts on the line and come away empty-handed. Ain’t a damn thing you can do but go back and lay ‘em on the line again... and again and again’ said Pat Dye. I don’t know whose rear end he was kissing there, ‘cause I think you’re just vindictive.”

“What was Rhett Lashlee... a warning shot? That was my son. What did I ever do to yours but praise his glory and praise his name?”

“There are opponents out there that are gaining speed and power. They say we haven’t faced opponents like these since you took out my offensive line. You know what an offensive line does? It just goes around, protecting the other players and keeping them clean. It doesn’t even have weapons. That’s all it can do.”

“Gratias tibi ago, domine! Yes, I’ve made mistakes. Yes, I’ve sinned. I’ve committed many sins! Have I displeased you, you feckless thug? An SEC Championship, another West title, three wins over top-ranked teams, the Miracle in Jordan-Hare, the Kick Six, and more success in the toughest spot in college football...”

“That’s not enough to buy me out of the doghouse?”

“Cruciatus in crucem! Tuus in terra servus nuntius fui officium perfeci.”*

“Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem!”**

*chews Double Bubble pensively*

“You get Petrino!”



*(Translation: Am I really to believe that these are the acts of a loving God? A just God? A wise God? To hell with your punishments. I was your servant here on Earth. And I spread your word and I did your work.)

**(Translation: To hell with your punishments. To hell with you.)