If there’s one thing I hate, it’s being put into a category. Being labeled is no fun. What’s even less fun is when those labels fit you like a glove. When you recognize that you are a stereotype, a caricature, or just a “basic bro.” When this realization sets in, it is important to lean into it. Pain and disappointment are nature’s teachers, and this can teach us all to appreciate the predictability in some human behavior, when most other human tendencies are as random as the running patterns of cocaine-addled squirrels.
What follows is a careful and scholarly attempt at locating individuals within fashion culture and identity. Each of us falls into one of these categories, no matter how much we hate to admit it. I focused primarily on males of our species because I’m not about to walk into the fire ant bed of women’s fashion—plus most of us men are just guessing when it comes to what to wear, and that makes for a more fun article.
The Seven Guys You Meet at Auburn Games
Jacket and Tie Guy
A rare site outside the Fraternity sections, Jacket and Tie guy knows he is either being forced to dress that way, or he is just that much better at not dying of heat stroke than everyone else. “The players look their best, so should we,” he thinks, as a single drop of sweat begins to roll from the middle of his shoulders all the way down to his Polo boxer briefs. His navy sportscoat is damp to the touch, but his look is as classic as the court of Charles II, just don’t try convincing him his look stems from what the French court at Versailles thought was appropriate in the 1600’s. He’s here to drink bourbon and closely approximate an Edwardian-era “morning look.” And he’s almost out of bourbon.
“Is that guy on the team?” no one asks as the jersey-clad man strolls his Levi’s 501s past Tigerwalk and into the stadium. He supports his Tigers the best way he knows how: by dressing up like one as if every Saturday was Halloween. He is wearing upwards of 90 dollars worth of Under Armour performance fabrics emblazoned unironically with the number of an amateur athlete. A related guy you might see at Auburn games is Workout Clothes Guy. He is the jersey guy’s cousin in almost every regard, right down to the secret desire that Gus will mistake him for a member of the team and put him in on kickoff coverage. That won’t happen, and he will somehow get ketchup on his giant jersey sleeves.
Dress Like a Coach Guy
Visor? Check. Official Under Armour Sideline Polo? You Bet. Performance Khakis? Duh. This guy might even bust out the Gus Malzahn sweater vest on occasion, layered over the otherwise useless white Under Armour mock turtleneck. Not sure how he does it, but he usually is able to coordinate his ‘fit with what Gus is going to wear each week. Claims to know someone on the equipment staff. Actually knows the cashier at Anders. Gets zero discount.
Dress Like A Club Pro Guy
Is this guy going to the game before or after his tee-time? That only depends on the time of kickoff. He plays so much golf, the only clothes he owns just happen to be golf clothes. His polarized sunglasses help him see the green as well as all the people he’s better than. He has an alligator skin golf belt that matches his watch band and both cost more than he’s paying the Alabama fan who cleans his pool.
To be fair, Shirtless Guy and Body Paint Guy are technically different, but for the purposes of this, we will combine them. Shirtless Guy might be shirtless on purpose or on accident, the only difference is one shows he’s here to party and one shows he is partying. Shirtless Guy has a high likelihood of getting on TV, but that likelihood only decreases the closer everyone gets to realizing how bad he smells and he’s forced to leave the game because the “haters” texted the cops.
Business Casual Guy
One of the more common guys at Auburn games. This guy is dressed like he just came from the office. He makes so much money, he’s probably making money during the game. Most likely, he’s a college student who is dressing for the job he wants and not the job he has. It’s why I wear hawaiian shirts and flip flops a lot, I’m dressing for the job I want: retired.
Random Bama Fan
It’s late in the third quarter against Mississippi State and Auburn is nursing a 10 point lead. The Gus third quarter lull has claimed another possession and the Tigers are about to punt to the Bulldogs when you see him one section over. What is he doing here? He sits with a Crimson polo shirt and a hat that says 13 or whatever made up number they are on these days perched on his empty head. Are you the only one who can see him? Has he been sent here to torture you? No, at every Auburn sporting event including away golf tournaments, a random Bama fan will appear. No one knows what draws them to Auburn athletics like moths to light, but something does. Is it the appeal of big time college athletics? Maybe, but most likely they just don’t have anything better to do and they wandered into this softball tournament because they thought they “heard the hotdogs were free today and now we’re just gonna sit here and enjoy God’s creation and yes we definitely do have 24 national championships in football if you count the split ones the media doesn’t want you to know about.”