Jalen Harris, Tucker Brown, Sal Canella and John Samuel Shenker are all listed as “tight end” on the Auburn roster because tight ends are real no matter what they say . They love it when we think we see a tight end and go talk to the media about it. Nothing delights them more than us raving about seeing a mysterious figure catching a touchdown pass or being targeted in the red zone or existing in the woods behind our house.
The tight end position has changed at Auburn. Some say it’s due to a change in mindset or the personnel being better suited to a different style of running or blocking. The fullback or H-back does most of the things the traditional tight end used to do, so there is no real need for one in the offense. Even though the offense is ostensibly the same, there just havent been any CJ Uzomah-type players on campus for a while. The players recruited to play tight end never really pan out at that position, and sometimes are better suited at other spots. Maybe they get to campus and it turns out they can’t catch a football. Or maybe it’s because it is tough finding a nomadic, mostly nocturnal, apex predator when only an estimated 10,000 individuals exist in all of North America.
But I saw Jalen Harris catch a touchdown pass in 2016 against Ole Miss, I swear. He was wide open on a sort of “trick play” but it was no trick—I saw it with my own eyes. I promise he even caught a five yard pass against Bama this year, I think. He may have even scored against OU in the Sugar Bowl. No, I’m not crazy. You gotta believe me, an Auburn tight end exists and has scored touchdowns. I tell people this, and they come to my house and put me on the news in order to make me look bad.
Sure, I had to rough-talk him to get him away from the dogs, and I wish I had a picture of him, but I swear he’s real. You’ll see. Auburn will have a tight end score a touchdown this year and you’ll all see it’s real. They’ve been talking about him since the 15th century in Russia—called him ‘Almas’ back then. Almost every culture has these stories, but I’m crazy for thinking he exists in Auburn? Even Gus Malzahn has talked about sightings of tight ends at practices recently. But until one shows up and beats Alabama or something, the Lamestream Media will continue to come on to our property and stick their cameras in our face while we describe a tight end “hot” read or that time we saw him in the back yard and how beautiful his long hair was.