Me: Hello again Auburn fans and weird rival fans who lurk on fansites for other teams. We had a great win last weekend versus an obviously overmatched Alabama State team, and I think a lot of Auburn fans are feeling some weird mix of confidence and anxiety heading into this weekends matchup with the Bayou Bengals. To be honest, this is one of my favorite games of the season. Auburn will find out a lot about its team this week, and I am looking forward to this roundtable discussion as well. Aubie, how are you?
Aubie: Crow, it is that time of the year where we get to play the SEC’s Red Star Belgrade:
Me: Yeah, set that video to “Neck” and it might as well be an LSU tailgate. Anyway, Aubie, who do you have for us to interview this week? I know you borrowed the time machine so I am excited to see what celebrity you brought us.
Aubie: Well Crow, our guest today comes from Jarrett Stidham’s own state of Texas. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. William George Crush!
Me: Ok...Mr. Crush, I hate to say that I am unfamiliar with your work, or really anything about you.
Aubie: C’mon Crow, don’t you know anything about history? This man is a legend.
W.G. Crush: GOOD AFTERNOON GENTLEMEN, I SAY, TIS A LOVELY DAY FOR A CHAT.
Aubie: This is going to be a smashing roundtable!
Me: Mr. Crush, your card says “passenger traffic manager,” what does that even mean?
W.G. Crush: I OVERSEE THE CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE, BUT I’M MORE KNOWN FOR BEING A BIT OF A PROMOTER.
Aubie: He really is blowing up as a promoter, he means to say.
Me: That’s smashing and blowing up, so I’m imagining there’s an explosion you are making puns about, Aubie.
Aubie: They named a town after this guy, Crow!
W.G. Crush: I NAMED THE TOWN AFTER MYSELF, MY FURRY FELINE FRIEND!
Me: You just decided there was a town named after you? Even as a fellow Texan, that seems like a bit much.
W.G. Crush: IT FIT THE SPECTACLE OF THE GREATEST EVENT YOU’LL EVER SEE!
Me: Wait, you’re not the train crash guy are you?
W.G. Crush: TRAIN SPECTACTLE!
Aubie: I bet people were blown away.
Me: People died, Aubie!
Aubie: I mean, he crashed two trains together at 50mph and they were there to watch it, what did they think was going to happen?
W.G. Crush: THE MISSOURI-KANSAS-TEXAS RAILROAD IS THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE, COME ONE COME ALL TO THE MARVEL OF THE AGES. MAN’S REACH ONLY EXCEEDS HIS GRASP!
Me: You ran two steam trains into one another at high speeds, you didn’t cure polio.
W.G. Crush: YOU CURED POLIO?!
Me: Well, I didn’t but someone does...eventually.
Aubie: You just blew his mind.
Me: Aubie, that one was weak even for you.
Aubie: Sorry, I lost my train of thought. I’m back on track.
Me: This is a football roundtable.
W.G. Crush: FOOT-BALL, THAT’S A SAVAGE GAME INDEED! WHY, RUTGERS SEEMS TO BE UNSTOPPABLE!
Me: A lot of changes are going to happen, Crush.
W.G. Crush: HOW ARE YOU PROMOTING THIS FOOT-BALL GAME? I KNOW JUST THE THING!
Me: Is it crashing trains into one another at high speeds?
W.G. Crush: THE HIGHEST SPEEDS! THE BIGGEST CRASH YOU’VE EVER SEEN!
Me: I think we are gonna stick with the commercials with the blonde lady on the beach.
Aubie: It just means more...train crashes.
Me: Did you bring this guy on to talk about the LSU game because the Crush, Texas, disaster happened 122 years ago this Saturday, or because the Tiger Bowl always seems to be a giant train crash for both teams?
Aubie: Neither, Mr. Crush is just rad.
W.G. Crush: THANK YOU CAT-MAN. WHEN YOU FIGHT TRAIN ON TRAIN, YOU GOTTA MAKE SURE THE PEOPLE GET WHAT THEY WANT. YOU GOTTA MAKE SURE THEY GET THE SPECTACLE.
Me: No one is crashing any trains. The “trainwreck” is just a term people use to describe a football game that has gone off the rails—
Me: Not trying to make a pun. It’s just the way we talk about a game where everything seems to be coming up weird for both teams. Most Auburn-LSU games are total trainwrecks in that way. Back in the early 2000’s, it usually took two or three weeks for both teams to recover from the physicality of the game.
Aubie: It was loco...motive.
W.G. Crush: IT WILL TAKE YOUR BRAIN WEEKS TO RECOVER FROM THE DELIGHT YOU’LL EXPERIENCE WHEN WE CRASH THESE STEEL BEASTS INTO ONE ANOTHER AT SPEEDS UNHEARD OF IN OUR TIME! THE KATY LINE WILL UNITE THIS GREAT LAND IN RAPID RAILS!
Me: By delight do you mean schrapnel?
Aubie: I think he’s had enough delight for one lifetime.
Me: Well, thanks Aubie for bringing us this wonderful psychopath. This looks to be a great matchup, both teams have worked hard all offseason and are ready for Saturday.
Aubie: They’ve been training for this.
Me: Yeah... Aubie I can’t wait to see who you bring us next week. But let’s close up with our picks, I think Auburn will win this game in the second half after a hard-fought first two quarters. I have the good Tigers winning 24-10.
Aubie: I think Auburn steams its way to a win. Choo Choo-ing up yards on the ground!